How to deal with the sudden death of a sibling

Helping People

2011-11-26T13:42:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted since February, soooo...almost a year. That's unreal. I started this blog so that I could journal my feelings and what I was going through after Stephen died. I wanted to do it online so that others who were going through the same things could read it and find comfort in knowing they weren't alone. Today I received a very nice comment from a woman named Lisa. It's nice to know that people are reading it and feeling like there's someone out there feeling the same things.

Surprisingly, I am doing ok. When Stephen died, I just knew we had to take it days at-a-time, then that turned into weeks, then into months, and then now it has been 4 years plus. I can't believe how long it has been and we have all "made it." There are times when I think, "This is getting old already. I just want to hear his voice." Or I am so aggravated that he's not here when he very well should be. I am even more annoyed that the offender has not tried to contact me. I want to know what she's doing to try and make up for his loss (although she never really could.)

There are times very often that I wish Stephen was here to do things with the kids. He would love to go watch Trey QB during a football game. He would have been so proud of Makinsey when she became Student Council Vice-President last year and made Honors Choir. He would have loved to go watch Jake play catcher during his All-Star Baseball tournament. My kids are missing out on an awesome uncle who would have cherished them and their accomplishments.

People don't think ahead to the future when they choose to drink and drive. They don't think about the ramifications of their selfish choices.

If you read this blog and it helps you, I am so glad. I love to hear people's comments. It makes me happy to know people have found it helpful.

My dad on the news in Arizona

2011-02-17T20:44:00.002-05:00

My dad was featured in a news story about tying red ribbons on for MADD. The Ambulance Service was tying them on to call attention to drunk driving.

The news story called my dad Mike "Dipatric." They got his last name wrong. It's "DiPatri."

I am so proud of my dad and step-mom and all their hard work with MADD. Stephen would be so proud!!!

Southwest Ambulance and M.A.D.D. Team Up to Prevent Drunk Driving

Southwest Ambulance and M.A.D.D. Team Up to Prevent Drunk Driving: MyFoxPHOENIX.com

A Christmas Message

2010-12-21T11:05:00.004-05:00

So today I had a little Christmas "miracle." My dad has this picture that's his favorite and he uses it every time he does a presentation. Here's the picture:

He says, "Look at Stephen in the back. Look at his face. He has his arms stretched around Frank and Nicole and it's like he's saying 'This is my brother and sister. I'm so proud of them and I'm watching over them.'"

So anyway, I was going through old CDs of saved pictures to find all our past Christmas pictures so I could make a slideshow, and I came across a picture that I never knew existed. It's the same picture as above except for one difference: my dad is in the picture.

It's almost like Stephen's acknowledging Dad and all he's been doing in Stephen's name. Dad and Linda have worked tirelessly trying to stop underage drinking and driving under the influence. They've spent every year since Stephen died, working with MADD. They even went to Washington D.C. for the MADD National Conference. I guess I never used this picture because it was so dark. I guess the flash never went off. But when I showed it to Dad, he and I both said we didn't remember taking one with him in it. He just kept saying, "I don't believe it." He really feels it's a little acknowledgement and Stephen's way of letting him know that he's proud of Dad and he's looking out for Dad too, not just Frank and me.

Merry Christmas!!!

Running out of chances...

2010-10-14T16:04:00.002-04:00

I saw a sign yesterday that immediately reminded me of Stephen:

"The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them."

I thought about Stephen and how much of a risk-taker he was. How many chances he had in life. All the times he didn't want to live. How many dares he took from his friends. How many things he did to be funny and get a thrill. All the accidents he was in. All the broken bones he had in his lifetime. Even as a kid, Stephen wandered around like he was looking for an injury and he always found one.

Then I thought about the night he died. How that night he had said, "I'm finally happy. I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." He wasn't speeding. He wasn't riding like a daredevil. He wasn't impaired. He was doing everything right. And that's when he died. He quit taking chances, and he ran out of them. How fair is that? How fair is it that all those times he could have died, he didn't? Then when he did die, it wasn't his fault. Hmmm....

When will I be healed?

2010-09-09T06:01:00.002-04:00

Last Sunday, our sermon was about the woman who had suffered for 12 years and wanted just to touch Jesus' robes to be healed. Here is the passage:

Mark 5:24-34

25 -29A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, "If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well." The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with.
30At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?"
31His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, 'Who touched me?' Dozens have touched you!"
32 -33But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story.
34Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague."

And it got me thinking...

This woman suffered for 12 years, had exhausted every other option (doctors, medicine, etc) and she thought, if I can just get to Jesus...even if I can only touch His robes...He can help me! She fought the crowd. She stumbled, squeezed, crawled, and climbed through the crowd and finally made her way to Him. She was determined to get to Him and be healed. She touched His robes and immediately her bleeding stopped and she was healed. Her suffering was over! Going to Jesus was all it took.

I started thinking, I wish suffering the loss of a loved one was as easy to be healed of. I have prayed and have been so determined, but it's not a physical ailment that can just be cured. It's an emotional devastation that isn't so easily healed. Jesus has healed me enough. I can physically feel my answered prayer. I am able to get through the day-to-day. He has made it easier to LIVE.

But I won't ever be completely healed. Not while I'm here on Earth. I won't be completely healed until I get to Heaven, meet God face-to-face, and see my brother again. But Jesus has answered my prayers and has made be able to live, day-to-day, free of complete, debilitating pain. And I am thankful for that. I just have to stay determined, thankful, and keep coming to Jesus for healing.

Whatcha gonna do about it?

2010-08-21T10:13:00.002-04:00

So, I just happened to stumble across an amazing story that I saw in the comments section of the heartbreaking story I posted before. His name is Matt Maher. He was your average all-American guy who had everything going for him, who chose to drink and drive and killed a father of six. He is now in prison for 5.5 years. Before he went to prison, he created a presentation called "I'm That Guy." Nobody ever thinks they're going to be "that guy," that they're invincible. But he became him. Yet, he lived every day thinking, What can I do to even begin to try and make up for it? He knows there's no way he can ever make up for it, but he can try to live his life to honor Hort Kap and his family.

I became fascinated with Matt Maher's website and his blog, which he writes from prison. I began corresponding with Matt's mother.

All of this got me thinking, what's Chrissie doing? She has not reached out to us since her sentencing. Before the sentencing, she sent me a card. She came to meet us (in person) without her attorney, to tell us how sorry she was and how she never went a day without thinking about Stephen or us. Yet, since the sentencing, I haven't heard a thing about her. She told us in person that she wants to work with MADD, she wants to talk to kids about what she did. She's supposed to be doing 300 hours of community service. I want to know what she's doing to begin to try to make up for what she did. Yeah, she did less than 1 year in prison. But that's to punish her. My punishment has lasted a lot longer than that. What's she going to do to help us? My dad and step-mom go to schools and speak to kids and young-adults all the time about the dangers of alcohol abuse and driving under the influence. My parents lost a son and they're doing more to make it mean something than the person who took him away has even tried to do.

The last thing I heard about her was when the South Carolina Victims Notification e-system called me and told me she was being released. I know she'll be on house arrest until April 2013. These are all facts that anybody can look up. I want to know what she's doing day-to-day. I want to know what she's doing for her community service. I want to know if she's giving speeches using my brother's name. I'm not trying to be a stalker, I just want to know if she's making good on her word, or if what she told us was just her way of trying to look good in the eyes of the court.

I know that people close to her have read this blog because they mentioned it in court. I hope they're still reading it. I hope she's reading it. Chrissie: If you are reading this, you can contact me. I want you to. I want to know that, since my brother can't live his life anymore, that you're making yours mean something. That you're doing something positive with yours and not just wallowing in self-pity. I want to know that you are trying to discourage people from making the same choices you did. I use every opportunity I have to tell people about what happened to my brother so that hopefully it will stick in someone's mind and when the opportunity presents itself to drink-and-drive or get a ride home, they will remember Stephen and Chrissie and think twice.

I'm not mad. I'm not bitter. I have forgiven her, even before court, I forgave her. I just want to know she's living her life for Stephen's memory and that what she did really affected her. It affected me. I'm suffering. I can't imagine how angry I would be if I knew that she was "over it," "it's in the past." I want her to contact me. Chrissie: I haven't moved. It's still the same address you sent the card to. Let me know how you're doing. Let me know what you're doing. I'm here.

For Matt Maher's story, click HERE.

Four Men Dead at the Hands of Underage Drunk Driver

2010-08-04T06:51:00.004-04:00

Photo from Tampa Bay Online

August 3, 2010
Story from: Lauren Russell at CNN

(CNN) -- Roy McConnell and his three sons left their wives and children to go see the film "Predators" in St. Petersburg, Florida, Saturday night. They were enjoying a family reunion with a week at the beach.

Around 4:30 a.m. Sunday morning, Anais McConnell woke up and noticed her husband, Nathan, wasn't lying beside her. She got out of bed and woke up the other women in the house. They waited on the sofa for the men to return, hoping they hadn't been carjacked.

They saw a television report about an accident involving a black car, similar to the one the men drove to the movies, that left four people dead, but they didn't want to consider the possibility that it could be their loved ones.

Anais McConnell said police weren't returning their phone calls. Hours later, authorities showed up on their porch to bring them the news: Their husbands were dead.

Anais McConnell, as well as her sister-in-law and mother-in-law, were widows.

Nathan, 24; his father, 51, and his two brothers, Elroy III, 28, and Kelly, 19, were killed by a drunk driver who ran a red light, police said.

Their widows spoke about their losses during a news conference Tuesday in Orlando, Florida, holding framed photographs of the men. They said they hope that sharing their story will make people think twice before getting behind the wheel after drinking.

"He wanted to teach our son how to play football and how to treat a girl right," said Elroy McConnell's wife, Sandie.

"I know that people will drink and drive, but know that this could have been any of you. I hope and pray that the next time you drink and drive you think about this."

Demetrius Jordan, the driver of the other car, has been charged with four counts of manslaughter while driving under the influence and one count of serious injury while driving under the influence, according to a report from the St. Petersburg Police Department. Jordan, 20, and his passenger, Mario Robinson, also 20, were taken to Bayfront Hospital with serious injuries soon after the midnight accident. The McConnell men were pronounced dead at the scene, according to the report.

Kelly McConnell had celebrated his 19th birthday with his family and girlfriend the day before, a family member said.

As the women described the men's accomplishments and characters, there were some chuckles and many tears. One of the women, debilitated by grief, was carried off in the middle of the news conference.

The reality was still hard to accept, but they didn't want to dwell on why this happened to them, a few said.

"I hope we could work toward forgiveness," said Amy Voelker, Roy McConnell's widow, who also lost her three sons. "We want to honor our guys... it would be tragic to let that young man's decision affect us in a negative way."

Voelker said the family members who stood beside her during the news conference represented only a fraction of the people affected by the men's deaths, and she hoped others could learn from the horror that had befallen her family.

"I'd hate for anyone else to have to bear this type of tragedy," she said.

As the news conference ended, family members placed the men's photographs around a tree, where others could see and remember.

Another article which describes the men in more detail:

Family tearfully remembers 4 killed by suspected drunken driver

Howard Altman of the Tampa Tribune and Jennifer Leigh of News Channel 8

ORLANDO - One by one, the women came to the bank of microphones, alternately crying and fighting back tears, recalling the four men in their lives who died when a driver slammed into their Ford Fusion as they were headed back to a vacation rental from a movie.

The driver of that car, Demetrius Jordan, 20, has been charged with four counts of driving while under the influence, four counts of manslaughter and one count of DUI/great bodily injury. He also was charged with being an underage person in possession of alcohol.

Elroy McConnell II and his adult sons Elroy McConnell III, Kelly McConnell, and Nathan McConnell were killed when their vehicle was hit by the car driven by Jordan, police said.

But the women, surrounded by more than a dozen family and friends, were not there to talk about Jordan. They were there to talk about the men who died.

Rebecca Watson – aunt of crash victim Kelly McConnell - said Kelly's father, Elroy McConnell II, lived life full throttle.

"Roy did everything 1,000 percent," said Watson. "He didn't just coach youth football, he helped start a new league so more kids in this community of East Orlando could play youth football. He didn't just quickly profess his faith, he studied the Bible daily and pored over books and discussed the Bible with anybody who would listen.''

Watson said Elroy McConnell II had the same attitude toward physical fitness, and charity, tithing and helping those less fortunate.

"He surprised people at restaurants by paying for their meals," she said. "He gave cash or food to people who did not have it. A week ago, he took $100 in cash and spent the day trying to find people to help."

McConnell's son, Kelly, turned 19 just days before the wreck, Watson said.

"We celebrated Kelly's 19th birthday on July 30, less than two days before he died," she said. "Nineteen years is a brief amount of time, but somehow Kelly seemed to fill it up to overflowing."

Watson described Kelly as a "tough guy" who loved football.

He played from age 6 to high school, she said.

"Even at 3 he could recognize the NFL team names from football cards," she said.

Kelly also followed in the family tradition of helping others.

"When Kelly was about 8, he realized his mom and dad tithed, and pledged part of his allowance, giving $2 of the $8 allowance every two weeks, Watson said."

He took that same plan forward with his girlfriend, Celine Parietti, she said.

"They planned to give 10 percent to charity when they graduated from college," she said.

Anaiis McConnell says her daughter wakes up every morning looking for her father, Nathan.

"She always looked up to her dad," she said. "She loved him very much. Each morning she wakes up asking for daddy and I don't know what to say to her."

McConnell said she and Nathan had just celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary. Sunday morning, when her husband had still not come to bed, McConnell said she started to wake up others at the vacation home.

"We did not know what was going on,'' McConnell said. "Hours passed. We sat on the couch waiting for him to walk through the door."

Then they saw a TV story about a fatal accident.

"We knew the car was black, but we did not want to think it was their car," she said. "Minutes and seconds passed. Police never returned our phone calls. We checked every hospital everywhere."

Eventually, they got the horrible news.

"I realized he was gone," McConnell said. "It was not his time to go. It was too soon."

Sandie McConnell, wife of Elroy McConnell III, remembered her husband as her "heart and soul, the beat of my heart and light of day, the air that I breathe. He was not just my husband, but my best friend."

She had a message for anyone who drinks and drives.

"We all know people who drink and drive," she said, "but ultimately, this is the result. It could be any one of you. Your spouse. Your child. It could be your life. Because of this poor decision, now we are widows and kids have to grow up without daddies. I hope and pray the next time you go to drink and drive, stop and think about this tragedy."

A celebration of life service will be held for the McConnells at 2 p.m. Monday at University Carillon United Methodist Church, 1395 Campus View Court, Oviedo, Fla., 32765. For information, call the church at (407) 359-2112.

The family is setting up an account at Bank of America to assist with funeral services and college trust funds for Elroy McConnell II's grandchildren.

Reporter Howard Altman can be reached at (813) 259-7629.

And click here to see a video from Fox 13 in Tampa Bay.

I will be following this story. This is so terribly sad. So many people needlessly lost their lives in such a preventable way. I am so sad for the family.

Charlie St. Cloud

2010-07-31T00:02:00.005-04:00

Sorry the right-hand side of the video is cut-off. The player is too big for the blog layout. But you can still see the trailer.

I took my daughter to see the movie Charlie St. Cloud today. It's about a young man (Charlie) whose younger brother (Sam) dies in a car crash, caused by a drunk driver, but Charlie can still see Sam. They meet every day to play catch. They talk and just "act like brothers". We fast-forward to 5 years later and find that Charlie didn't go away to college because if he did, he wouldn't be able to meet Sam for catch. He's stuck in the past, not letting go of Sam so he can live his life.

Then Charlie meets a girl. He wants to be with her, but would he sacrifice his time with Sam to make a life with Tess? His friend sums it up when he says, "What'll it be? Do you go back, or do you move forward?"

Charlie has to come to the conclusion about why he was given a second chance and was saved from the accident. What was his purpose? Why was he still here?

So the premise of the movie is: do you grieve forever, stay in the moment when your life changed, and never let go? Or do you let go, move forward and live your life to the fullest, take chances, and find happiness?

It was an excellent movie. Granted, I cried. A lot. Since Stephen died, I have longed to just hear his voice again. Stupidly wishing Heaven had a phone. Dumb things like that. I've not had a single dream about Stephen. Other people I know, family and friends, have had dreams of him, but not me. I have wanted to dream of him so maybe I could see his face or hear his voice just one more time.

So when this movie came out, about a boy who could still hang out with his little brother, I just had to go see it. I had to imagine what it would be like. Then ultimately, he had to let his brother go. That is so fitting. I realized that I wasn't moving forward about 18 months after Stephen died. People around me were, but I wasn't. I was spending more time on Stephen dead, than I was on the living people around me. It wasn't healthy and I had to move on. Don't get me wrong. I think of Stephen very often, but it's fleeting memories or thoughts. I don't dwell. I don't mope. I don't pity myself. I have a thought, I smile, or cry, and I move on. I have to. I had to let go. I will see him again. This life goes by faster than we know it. We have to live it while we're here. He's waiting while we do.

On a side note: my 5-year-old Jake asked me a serious question the other day, and this was our conversation:

Jake: Mom, why did they have to send Uncle Steve to Heaven? They could have just took him to the hospital and fixed him.
Me: Well, Jake, Uncle Steve was broken too badly and he had to go to Heaven. He couldn't stay here. They couldn't fix him.
And that was the end of that discussion. The answer was enough for him.

Grief comes in waves

2010-07-10T20:52:00.005-04:00

So, let me first say that I can't believe I haven't posted in 10 months! That's crazy. Life gets hectic, I start feeling "better" and I don't need to vent as much. But something happened yesterday that just broke my heart.

We were riding in the car and the sun was behind the clouds. It kindof made the cloud look like it had a silver lining. I said, "That, to me, looks like Heaven." Trey said to Jake, "You know, where Uncle Steve lives now."

About a minute later, Jake says, "I like Heaven," then started to cry. You know, that slow cry where you see it in the face before you actually hear it. The eyes close, the head bows and the face wrinkles up, then the tears come.

I said, "What's the matter?" He said he missed Uncle Steve. It made me so sad because it was the first time since Stephen's been gone that I've actually seen Jake cry over it. Jake was only 2 (almost 3) when Stephen died and I was so afraid he would forget him. I always thought in my mind, Oh I hope he doesn't forget Stephen and how great an uncle he was and all the fun stuff they did together. But what I didn't realize was, with all the memories of the fun, comes sadness that it's gone. I never realized that three years later, my 5-year-old would still be grieving the loss of an uncle he hadn't seen in so long. I mean, it's only natural. I'm still grieving his loss, why wouldn't my child? I guess I figured he was too little to remember. But pain is pain, and loss is loss, no matter how old you are.

This is what I saw:

It is 21 days until Stephen's birthday. On July 31, he would be 27 years old. Robbed of his precious life at such a young age. In August, the drunk driver who took my brother's life will celebrate her 23rd birthday...with her family...in her home...with gifts and love. Something we'll never again get to do with Stephen. That hurts so much. And no amount of house arrest or community service or fines can erase that or give him back.

The 3-year anniversary is coming up on September 7th. And it doesn't feel like it's been that long. It sounds cliche, but it honestly does seem like it was "just yesterday." The pain isn't as severe, but the sadness is still fresh and I think it always will be.

"I'm finally where I'm supposed to be."

2009-09-27T18:07:00.002-04:00

So I've been thinking about this for a while now. The other night, while watching "Grey's Anatomy," there was a story about a girl who had been badly injured and lost the will to live. She just wanted to die. It made me think of something that happened last month.

Last month, a friend from high school committed suicide. He had gotten some bad news (not life-threatening news) from the doctor and then hung himself. I was very distraught and saddened for him and his family. I felt that he must have been so wrought with pain and sadness and didn't feel like he could turn to anyone. I was very sad.

But as time passed and the more I thought about it, I got angry. Anytime I see anything about someone wanting to kill themself, I get so angry. And this is why...

The night Stephen died, he was on a date. The young lady he was with told me that one of the last things Stephen said before he died was this: "I am happy. I feel like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." No matter what Stephen had been through in his life, no matter what he may have felt or done to himself in the past, in the end, he VALUED his life. He wanted to live. He wanted to be here, and it was taken away from him. He didn't choose to drink and drive. He was a victim. And yet, the person who chose to take the risk is still living. How is that fair?

It makes me so angry to see people live a risky lifestyle. People that don't care what happens to them. People who put themselves in harm's way all the time for fun. People like young girls who go out and party with all guys, not knowing what could happen to them if they passed out. People who speed or drive recklessly. I'm sorry. I just felt the need to vent a little.

I wish Stephen could be here. He wanted to be.

It's been 2 years...

2009-09-07T01:05:00.005-04:00

It has been 2 years since my brother was killed by an underage drunk driver. We have learned so much over the last 2 years. We have tried to live our lives like he would want us to. We have become more empathetic and sympathetic with people. We have learned that grief comes in waves. Grief moves like a circle. It comes and goes but each time, the circle gets bigger and bigger and takes longer to go around, but it always comes back. We have learned compassion and forgiveness for the drunk driver. We miss Stephen terribly, but we have made it our family's mission to tell those we meet about drunk driving and what it does to people's lives.

I have had people contact me through this blog, and tell me how helpful it has been to them. Most have been sisters who have lost brothers. I've also had some very rude comments left, but I have to understand that they are probably still in the "anger" stage of grief. I feel I have let God lead me in my journey through grief and recovery.

Around 14 months after Stephen died, I realized the weight I was carrying around. I was aging myself, alienating myself from my family. I knew I had to give my worry, anxiety, anger, sadness, my entire life, over to God and let Him hold the reigns. I couldn't do it anymore. Ever since that day, a weight has been lifted. I have found a "new normal," and I am able to live my life, my new life, without Stephen.

I hope that others can find joy in the sadness and compassion and forgiveness where there's anger. Life is so much better if you can let all that go and let God do what he wants done.

Anger doesn't bring your loved one back. Nor does crying or lying around and moping. I have done all of those things and Stephen's still gone. I feel I have come a long way. I don't want to sound callous or cold, and like I don't miss Stephen. I do. And when I really sit down and say to myself "he's gone and he's not coming back," it tears me up inside. But I can't do that all the time. Sometimes, I forget he's gone. There are things that the kids will do, or stuff I see that I want to pick up the phone and call him. Then it hits me. I've adjusted to him not being here. I know I'll see him again. And this life will seem so small by the time that happens.

Featured on the news...

2009-08-04T20:15:00.002-04:00

Stephen's death was featured in a news story today on www.wspa.com Channel 7 in South Carolina. SC is trying to get their constitution changed on the topic of the drinking age vs the buying age of alcohol. The picture at the end is my dad.

It's been a while...

2009-07-23T11:26:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I posted here. Mainly because I'm trying to put this part of my life behind me. It sounds so cold when I actually say it. I'm not trying to forget Stephen. I'm trying to get my life back, my spirit back. So much of me has been exhausted and lost during the last (almost) 2 years. I have changed. I am short-tempered, I am snapping at my family. I'm sad and down. It's not all the time, but it's enough that I need to fix it.

The biggest change thus far is my fear of dying in a traffic accident. Or the fear of killing someone in one. I am so paranoid while driving, especially at night. I am so afraid I'm not going to see someone or someone is going to pull out in front of me, or run a red light while I'm going through an intersection. I'm terrified that while driving through a parking lot, a child will run out from between cars. I am so scared.

I know that I'm not supposed to worry. Worrying is a sin. Worrying shows that we don't trust God to handle any situation. At what point does being extremely aware fade into worry and fear?

I just find myself checking and triple checking before backing out. I look like I'm watching a ping-pong match when pulling out of a spot. I guess I have this fear of dying at an early age because look at how quickly my brother's life was snuffed out. I am so afraid of being killed or of becoming the one who's taken a life on the road. It's a scary place to be and I'm working on it.

Dateline NBC special about the Impact of Drunk Driving...

2009-06-27T20:18:00.001-04:00

It's from 2003 but I feel everyone should watch it.

Feeling sorry...

2009-06-22T02:19:00.004-04:00

So, I've been keeping up with Chrissie via the SCDC inmate search application. I think about her a lot. I wonder what she's doing right now. I wonder if she'd care if I wrote to her. I wonder if she really meant what she said in the court room. I really hope she wasn't "pulling a fast one" on us. None of us wanted her to get a decade or more behind bars. We knew, being the type of person she is, if she went away for a long time, she'd come out a worse person than when she went in. It wouldn't do her or anybody any good to just lock her up and throw away the key. In 1 year's time, we'll see if she does any good by speaking to young people and telling her story. I would love to see her speak and hear what she has to say.

More than anything, I want her to know that we forgive her. We are sorry for her family. We are sorry she made the decision that she did. I could tell by looking at her that this ordeal is eating her up inside. I could tell by looking at her in court that she was in shock, still. That she couldn't believe she was actually going through this.

She has lost so much weight. She has lost the coloring in her skin. She looks like she's ill. I feel for her, I feel for her family. I feel for her when she has kids and they find out their mom killed someone. It's a sad situation for everyone involved.

I put together some pictures to show what a metamorphosis this young lady has gone through. Not only is she physically imprisoned, it looks like she's emotionally imprisoned by all the guilt that's eating away at her.

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE

The sentencing hearing

2009-06-10T15:58:00.002-04:00

We had court yesterday, finally, after 21 long months of waiting. We went into the courtroom and Chrissie had lots of family and friends there for support. I'm sure we would have had more if we were local as well. You can't begin to imagine how much traveling to and from South Carolina 3 times has cost us financially as well as emotionally. My dad lives in Arizona and we live in Florida. Add in hotels, food, time off work, etc.

Anyway, I hugged her mom before we went in. From the first moment I met her mom, I knew this was a woman who was torn apart inside. Her heart was broken. I held my composure all along until I came face-to-face with her mother. As a mother, I can't begin to understand what it feels like to know your child has caused the death of someone else's child.

Chrissie came in wearing an orange-striped jumpsuit and she was shackled. She was shackled the entire time. I can't imagine how humiliating that was for her. In front of her parents, her grandparents, her boyfriend, her boss. That would be enough of a deterrent for me to never do it again if I were her. People can't understand when I say I have compassion for her. It's hard to explain. I just kept looking at her yesterday thinking, "She is in shock right now. She must be thinking how did this happen to her?" I wished and prayed to God that it wouldn't have been her. It's too hard to hate her. I wished instead she was some type of psychopathic monster so it would be easy to go through with court and sentencing. It was so hard to watch this girl who had such a great life, who was so smart and had such a promising future and a family who loved her, ruin her life. I just didn't want it for her.

Mom gave her statement first, then Dad, then me. It was so hard. As soon as I got in front of the judge, panic washed over me. I couldn't stop shaking. I was choking back the tears. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

Then it was the defense's turn. Her boss spoke, one of her college professor's spoke, her psychologist and then her mom. That was the hardest to sit through was her mom's statement.

Chrissie had the chance to speak. I felt everything she said was sincere and honest and I truly believe she will never do anything like this again. I truly believe she will follow through on her word to go out and make a difference in the lives of young people and I can't wait to see it happen.

We found out she had cut her hair and donated it to Locks of Love in Stephen's name. She planted a tree outside her bedroom window to remember him. She has done counseling and gone to town hall meetings about drunk driving. She has started herself on the path to redemption.

The judge stepped out to deliberate with the attorneys. My mom started to panic and cry. She said, "I don't think she needs to go to prison. She's not a monster. Should I say something?" I didn't want her to go away for long either. My dad said, "We have to trust that God will tell that to the judge and he'll listen." I must admit though, right before the judge came in, I bowed my head and prayed to God quickly, "God, please don't give her a long time in prison. Please."

The judge came in. He started to make his ruling. He started out and said, "I sentence you to 15 years--" and I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I hung my head, cried and shook my head. That's not what we wanted, nor expected. Then he continued on with the rest of it..."suspended upon the following conditions..."

And they were:

* 1 year in prison
* 3 years house arrest
* 300 hours community service with MADD, talking to young people
* $10,000 fines/court costs
* $1,850 paid back to my dad for Stephen's funeral expenses

If she messes up in those 4 years, she will serve the remainder of the 15 years in prison.

Also, with the house arrest:

* She may not leave Greenville, SC for 3 years
* She has to pay $8.00 per day for the ankle monitoring equipment (Approximately $240 per month)
* She can only go to the doctor, school, work, church, attorney's office

We are pleased with the sentence. We feel it is balanced and fair and the judge made a good decision. He feels she has the potential to do great things and to change lives, and that's what Stephen would have wanted.

Thank you everyone who has stuck by my family and followed this case from day 1. You don't know how much we appreciate you.

And to Chrissie's family, if you're reading this, we pray for you all the time. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think of you or of Chrissie. We constantly think about what life must be like in your shoes and wouldn't wish any of this on anyone. We don't hate Chrissie. We are sorry for her and we hope she makes good on her promise to us.

To Chrissie's psychologist:

2009-06-10T15:38:00.007-04:00

I have decided to, once again, make my blog public. Because we were going to court, I decided to make it private so that the defense would not have any "ammo" against me if we went to trial.

Chrissie Clark's psychologist pointed out in court yesterday that both she and Chrissie spent some time reading my blog until they were no longer able to do so. I hope she will try to read it again. I need to address something she said in her statement:

Back on 12/3/07, I posted a blog here.

I openly stated that Stephen's blood alcohol content was .05, so he had in fact consumed alcohol that night. We were all aware he had done so. Her psychologist in court said "two young people made bad decisions that night." She made us look like hypocrites talking about how Chrissie chose to drink and drive when Stephen did the same thing. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. Here is how the 2 differ:

Chrissie was a underage, and the limit for a MINOR for intoxocation legally is .02. Her blood alcohol (1 hour after the wreck) content was .227. That is 11 times the legal limit for a MINOR. She wasn't having a couple drinks. She was getting wasted. She was at the limit that most people need to seek medical attention. The fact that she was even able to have the hand-eye coordination to get the key into the ignition boggles my mind!

Now, Stephen was a responsible adult. He was on a date and had a couple of drinks at DINNER, where he ate a MEAL, 4 hours before getting onto his motorcycle. For the next 3 hours he drank nothing but water. Even the medical examiner told us "it was 0.05, but don't worry, that's nothing. He was not intoxicated." He was below the legal limit of intoxication. That's why the limit is 0.08. I know that if Stephen was as impaired as Chrissie was, he never would have gotten on his motorcycle that night, and his date wouldn't have ever let him leave either.

These are two VERY DIFFERENT scenarios. Stephen was not on trial yesterday, and frankly, neither was Chrissie. She had already said she did it. There was no reason to even bring it up. But we all knew about it. And everyone in the courtroom who mattered knows the limits of the law and knew who was at fault.

Heading to court, finally

2009-06-05T20:18:00.003-04:00

So it stuck this time. No more waiting...

On Monday, we're heading to South Carolina for the sentencing hearing. Mom, me, Bill, Trey, Dad and Linda will be heading to Abbeville, SC. The reason we have to go to Abbeville is because the judge is based there. He is a traveling judge and just so happened to be in Greenville when he heard our case.

The hearing is scheduled for 2pm on Tuesday, June 9th. If you'd like to come, you're more than welcome. Also, I am posting Chrissie's mugshot below.

A court date...hopefully this one will stick.

2009-05-11T15:39:00.003-04:00

We received word today from South Carolina.

Chrissie will be going in to plead GUILTY on Tuesday, May 26th (2 weeks from now). Sentencing should follow at least a month after.

That's all I have now, but will let you know when I know more.

Nicole

Look what just happened on my street...

2009-04-24T18:38:00.005-04:00

So, I'm sitting in the house about 5:30 and I hear a helicopter that sounds like it's right over my house. I looked out my back window and it's sitting across the fence in my backyard and they were life-flighting someone. So I ran out the front door and saw yellow tape at the end of my street, 3 doors down. I see a car sitting half in my street, half in the highway. And there's police, tow trucks, fire trucks, etc.

I start walking down there fast to make sure it wasn't Bill or his sister and I saw a motorcycle laying there in the road and spray paint markings all over the street. It stopped me in my tracks and I started to cry. I was thinking about Stephen and that this must be what his accident scene was like. Cars driving by slowly to look. Cops marking the body and the vehicles on the road. People standing by watching it all. I felt very sad for the family.

I don't know what happened to the man. I'll have to wait until the paper comes out tomorrow.

Here are some pictures I took, and they look very similar to Stephen's.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

The ambulance in my backyard

What I saw when I walked up

The bike getting moved to the tow truck

The car that pulled in front of the motorcycle

Ahhh, Summer...beautiful time for a court date

2009-04-23T15:36:00.004-04:00

Looks like Chrissie will be going in to plead on June 8th. This time she will be scheduled for first thing in the morning so there can't be any more half-day situations like last time.

We will probably be going up for sentencing or a trial in July or August. I'm hoping it will be during the summer so I won't have to miss any work.

I think this has dragged on long enough. It has been almost 20 months! I even feel bad for Chrissie and her family ONLY because her family can't move on with their lives either until she has served her time.

I am ready to get this part of my life over with. I'm ready to close this chapter and begin the healing process. Leaving this unresolved is like having an open sore for 2 years and then having salt rubbed into it every couple months. The waiting is horrible.

Can you believe some people!!??!!??

2009-04-23T15:30:00.003-04:00

Man arrested for DWI hours after DWI sentencing
Fri Apr 17, 9:02 pm ET

DERIDDER, La. – A Texas man was arrested and booked with second-offense driving while intoxicated only hours after he left a court for sentencing for an earlier DWI conviction. The 31-year-old man was arrested by state police on Wednesday.

Hours before he was arrested, he'd been in 36th Judicial District Court in DeRidder being sentenced for first-offense DWI.

The man was being held in the jail without bond pending a hearing later this month.

___

Information from: Alexandria Daily Town Talk, http://www.thetowntalk.com/

It just goes on and on...

2009-04-03T18:14:00.002-04:00

On Wednesday afternoon our family got a call from SC State Attorney that said Chrissie would be coming into court on Thursday to enter a plea and be taken into custody to be held until her court date. She could do 1 of 2 things:

1. Plead guilty, be taken to jail and wait for her sentencing, sometime in June, when we could be there, OR
2. Plead not guilty, be taken to jail and wait for a trial to begin, sometime in June, when we could be there.

Of course, Thursday came, and the judge had a family emergency and couldn't stay all day. She could not be reached to come in early. I'm sure she was just taking some last-minute family time with no interruptions before she turned herself in. I know this was completely out of her hands and not her fault, but it's just ridiculous how many extensions this girl keeps getting. It seems like we're never going to make it to the inside of a courtroom.

It will most likely be another month before we can get her before a judge. So we just wait...

Thanks for your support and for all your prayers. They mean so much. I will let you know as soon as I know something more.

Things didn't go the way we'd hoped

2009-01-02T11:57:00.001-05:00

I can't really elaborate except to say that when we went to court on Nov. 11, we never made it to the court room. We will be going to trial, and I will be testifying. I don't know when court will be, and I don't know how long it will run, but as soon as I know something, I will let everyone know.

I had to make my blog invitation-only so that the defense could not use anything I say in court.

Nicole

2009-01-02T11:52:00.002-05:00

New ignition lock laws aim to foil drunk drivers

By MICHAEL TARM, Associated Press Writer Michael Tarm, Associated Press Writer – 1 hr 44 mins ago

AP – An undated photo provided by Irving, Texas-based Smart Start, Inc., shows the company's Smart Start 20/20 …

CHICAGO – Motorists convicted of driving drunk will have to install breath-monitoring gadgets in their cars under new laws taking effect in six states this week.

The ignition interlocks prevent engines from starting until drivers blow into the alcohol detectors to prove they're sober.

Alaska, Colorado, Illinois, Nebraska and Washington state began Jan. 1 requiring the devices for all motorists convicted of first-time drunken driving. South Carolina began requiring them for repeat offenders.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving has been conducting a nationwide campaign to mandate ignition locks for anyone convicted of drunken driving, claiming doing so would save thousands of lives. But critics say interlocks could lead to measures that restrict alcohol policies too much.

Users must pay for the fist-sized devices, which in Illinois cost around $80 to install on dashboards and $80 a month to rent; there's also a $30 monthly state fee. And they require periodic retesting while the car is running.

"It's amazingly inconvenient," said David Malham, of the Illinois chapter of MADD. "But the flip side of the inconvenience is death."

Other states with similar laws include New Mexico, Arizona and Louisiana. Most other states give judges the option of forcing convicted drunk drivers to use the devices. In practice though, they are rarely ordered unless laws mandate them, according to MADD.

Until now, that's been true in Illinois, said MADD national CEO Chuck Hurley.
"Illinois has excellent law enforcement," he said. "But the judicial system leaks like a sieve. This law will change the catch and release system to one where people are at least caught and tagged."

In Illinois, the interlocks are mandated only for the five to 11 months licenses are suspended with a first DUI. Drivers can opt not to install them, but then would be banned from driving during the suspension period.

Motorists in Colorado get a similar choice — install the devices or get a longer suspension.
The law taking effect in Washington state actually relaxes penalties on drunk drivers, allowing them to avoid a previously mandatory license suspension by getting an interlock. The bill's author, Rep. Roger Goodman, said too many motorists were driving with suspended licenses.
Motorists could try to skirt the devices by, say, having someone else blow into the detector or driving someone else's car. But if caught trying to circumvent the interlocks, they could go to jail.
Within a year, up to 30,000 first-time offenders in Illinois could be using them, state officials estimate.

New Mexico was the first state to mandate the devices in 2005. Since then, according to MADD, that state has seen its drunk-driving deaths fall 20 percent.

Hurley said other states could see the same percentage decline within a few years.

DUI deaths nationally have plummeted to around 15,000 from around 30,000 annually in the early 1980s.

Malham, who supports the technology, said in the future even more advanced technology will enable cars to effectively sniff car cabins, scan faces and eyes of drivers or even test sweat on steering wheels to assess sobriety before engines start.

Not everyone is as enthusiastic.

One of the staunchest critics of interlock laws for first-time offenders is the Washington-based American Beverage Institute, a trade association representing restaurants and retailers.
ABI managing director Sarah Longwell said the group backs interlock laws targeting repeat offenders and those arrested with high blood-alcohol levels.

But she said laws advocated by MADD don't allow judges to distinguish between those who have a few drinks and go just over the 0.08 blood-alcohol legal limit and those who go way over.

"We want sensible alcohol policies," she said. "We want 10 people to be able to come in and have one drink and not one person to come in and have 10."

She said current interlock laws could lead to more draconian measures.

"We foresee is a country in which you're no longer able to have a glass of wine, drink a beer at a ball game or enjoy a champagne toast at a wedding," she said. "There will be a de facto zero tolerance policy imposed on people by their cars."

She argued that MADD puts too much emphasis on links between alcohol and traffic deaths, giving too little regard to the roles excessive speed and driver cell-phone use in deadly accidents.
Proponents of interlock laws say studies back their approach. They cite a 2008 study by the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation that found interlock devices in New Mexico helped decrease repeat offenses by approximately two-thirds.

MADD also points to figures showing one-third of all drunk drivers have a prior DUI conviction.
The American Beverage Institute questions studies cited by advocates, saying they other factors, like education programs, also account for the declines.

Malham concedes Illinois' new law isn't perfect. For one, it only applies to drivers during relatively short license-suspension periods.

"But perfection can't be the enemy of the good, to quote (18th century philosopher) Voltaire," he said. "I'd like to see more teeth in the law in the future. But this is a start."
___

On the Net:
Mothers Against Drunk Driving: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_re_us/storytext/dui_legislation_ignition_locks/30426399/SIG=10mpl5kde/*http://www.madd.org/
Illinois Secretary of State: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_re_us/storytext/dui_legislation_ignition_locks/30426399/SIG=114pifdu1/*http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/
American Beverage Institute: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_re_us/storytext/dui_legislation_ignition_locks/30426399/SIG=1158lguqn/*http://www.abionline.org/index.cfm/

The time has come...

2008-11-08T14:21:00.002-05:00

On Monday, my family will be making the long drive to South Carolina to attend the acceptance-of-plea and sentencing of the young lady who killed my brother. We have waited so long for this day to come. We have had so many disappointments over the last 14 months. Just playing a waiting game, having deadlines extended, offer changes, more extensions, all in her favor. It hardly seems fair that she has had 14 months of freedom AND retained her DRIVER'S LICENSE. What kind of lesson does that teach other potential drunk drivers?

We are praying for some justice to be served on Tuesday. We will be speaking out in court, as that is our right. We have a Victims' Rights attorney on our side, who will be there. Our rights have been violated and that's just one side to this story. There are so many facets, but I will not talk about them until court has adjourned.

This is the second time my parents have had to pay airfare and travel expenses to come to South Carolina for this case. I am just hoping and praying that when we get there, things will be a done deal, and the person at fault in this case will not twist the knife any deeper by dragging things out. Enough is enough. We have suffered enough.

Readers' Comments

2008-10-05T14:58:00.004-04:00

I guess I should have known this day would come. In the society we live in, I should have expected someone to read my blog and be offended in some way. I guess hurt feelings trump sudden loss and devastation.

I posted THIS blog a while ago. Please read it before you read any further into this post.

Today, I received this comment from a reader:

themax11@earthlink.net has left a new comment on your post "This hits really close to home.":

I am sorry for your loss. It was tragic and certainly unnecessary. Even though I have 6 brothers and sisters I for one do not have a first hand knowledge of how you feel. At the age of 16 my best friend's brother (who was like a brother to me) was killed by a drunk driver on the grand central prkwy. But you are a hypocrite when complain how Aaron Adler is smiling in his picture, well so are you. You seem to be gloating, which is evidence of a vindetta. Your blog smells of vengence instead of understanding. I personally am not a drinker and do not drink and drive. These bad actors need to do time. However, the only thing that helps is education. Otherwise, your blog does nothing except give you the forum to vent, but you will never have closure until you begin to heal. The kid smiles just like you do because although stupid he is still a kid who did a stupid selfish act that I am sure occurred before the dui. Now, nobody is smiling.

Posted by themax11@earthlink.net to How to deal with the sudden death of a sibling at October 5, 2008 10:43 AM

This was my response:

I only commented on Aaron's expression because he is smiling in his MUGSHOT taken right after he killed 2 people. That certainly is different than me smiling in a picture taken before my brother died. And I can't believe you can compare the 2. What do you mean I am "gloating"? That implies I am bragging or boasting about something. What do I have to brag about?

My blog is my journal. I am VENTING. I do use it for venting. It's my form of getting what I feel out, instead of keeping it all bottled up inside. My blog is for others who are going through what I'm going through, to see that what they're feeling is a totally natural part of the grieving process. And since you say the only thing that helps is education, let me give you a quick lesson...
The grieving process is made up of 5 steps, which are as follows:

1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

3. Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Since you don't know me, I guess I need to tell you that for the last year, I skipped over #2 while I went through the other steps. Dealing with the legal aspect of my brother's death and having the defendant drag it out hoping to wear us down caused me to become angry and go through #2. I felt sorry for the girl. I really did. I didn't want her to go to prison. But now I do. Now that she and her family are fighting dirty.

You don't know me. My blog is MY blog. I can do with it what I choose. My brother has only been gone 13 months and I am still devastated. I am no where near being "healed."

And you said my "blog smells of vengeance instead of understanding." What am I supposed to understand in this situation? That people who have been told repeatedly in their lifetime to NOT drink and drive, did it and took away people who meant the world to other people. Drinking and driving is NOT a mistake. It's murder. A car is one of the biggest weapons there is when there's a drunk or impaired driver behind the wheel.

I am no hypocrite. I have never in my life been a drunk driver.

You shouldn't have e-mailed me. Unless it made you feel better somehow to attack someone who is grieving.

I have spoken to members of Aaron Adler's family and they are fine with what I have posted on my blog. They understand that people need to see what happens when people drink and drive. I provide a brutally honest viewpoint of what happens when drunk drivers take loved ones away forever.

Nicole DiPatri Sheldon

So, I guess I need to use my blog to educate people as well, so here's some more information on the Stages of Grief:

Grief And Stress
During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.

Recovering From Grief
Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.

Justice for Stephen

2008-10-04T10:07:00.003-04:00

There has been a development in Stephen's case. I can't post it here for fear that the defendant will read it. If you are mine or Stephen's friend on myspace, I have posted a blog on our pages that are private to anyone but our friends. I will give you the links below. If you would like to read it, send me a friend request, and if I know you or know of you, I will add you. I can't add strangers because I don't know who could be a "spy" for the defendant.

What I can tell you is that my family is "fighting mad" about the deal that was made. We will speak in court and express our dissatisfaction. We are angry and hurt and devastated. We will fight this.

Nicole's myspace:
www.myspace.com/nicole_dipatri_sheldon

Stephen's myspace:
www.myspace.com/stevielee600

I don't know the date and time of the trial yet, but when I do, I will let you know.

You can also email me at lcmom01@yahoo.com if you want to know what happened, if you don't have myspace.

Nicole

Today's the day

2008-09-06T11:03:00.003-04:00

I've felt my mood getting more and more depressed over the last few days. I have dreaded today. I knew it was coming and I tried to work around it.

Today is the last day 1 year ago, I was at peace. I could go to bed easily at night. I didn't have to throw myself into obligation after obligation just to keep my mind busy. I could close my eyes without seeing terrible images in my head. I could go a day without obsessing about Stephen.

One year ago today, I lost my brother. One year ago tonight was the night I went to bed and woke up with my life forever changed.

On September 5, 2007, I talked to Stephen on the phone. He had sent me this hilarious video of himself trying to jump on the wall, and I still couldn't stop laughing. We talked for a bit on the phone then said goodbye. On September 6, 2007, Stephen went to Greenville, SC, 45 minutes away from Brevard, to have dinner with Jamie, his first love whom he hadn't seen in 10 years. He was ecstatic!

They had dinner, they reminisced. They spent about 6 hours together, and Jamie told me it was the best time. They had a great time. I know when Stephen left, he was so elated. On Cloud 9. Jamie and Stephen made plans to get together again the next night: Friday.

Stephen left the restaurant Wild Wings Cafe in Greenville, SC and headed down Hwy 276 to go back to Brevard. About 15 minutes into his ride, a drunk driver pulled out in front of him and killed him. That was 11:55pm on September 6, 2007. Since help didn't arrive until after midnight, he was actually pronounced dead at 12:05am on September 7, 2007.

Back at home, I went to bed at 11:37pm. You don't forget any little detail when something like this happens. At 1:45am, my mom called with the news. She didn't believe it. She thought it was a prank. She just said, so mater-of-factly, "Stephen's dead." And she said it as if she had said, "Stephen got fired" or "Stephen broke his arm." Like with a hint of anger or sarcasm, as if to say, "Hey, do you believe this?!"

I screamed. I felt the wind knocked out of me, and out came this primal growl/sob from the inner core of my body. I've never heard a sound like that before, but believe me, I hear it everyday in my head. I spent the next 10 minutes or so calling around to find out if it was true. Law Enforcement, hospitals, etc. Finally, it was time to break it to my mom.

We headed over and called an ambulance to assist. My mom had a heart attack a few years back and I needed help there in case this caused another one. The medical examiner rolled Stephen over and said he had a Chinese-character tattoo on his back, and we knew it was him, and it was true.

Not long after, the organ harvesters called to do an interview with mom. And I had to call my dad. I told Linda, I think. My call to Dad is still a little fuzzy in my mind.

My husband Bill called my best friend Stephanie, who is like another daughter to my mom. She came right over and cried with us and held us.

The rest of the story is still going on. We've dealt with things we've never dealt with. Funeral arrangements, cremation, lawyers, police, MADD, roadside memorials, and more.

We're still awaiting justice for Stephen, one-year later. It's not going our way right now. It seems the criminal has more rights. Do you know that her attorney thought the original plea offer of 12 years was "too harsh" that he actually called our attorney and requested my family speak to the DA to get him to lower the offer? What kind of a person does that? I think Stephen dying was "too harsh." Do they think they can make a call and undo it? Now the DA has lowered his offer and they got another extension. This makes deadline #3.

I think it's time for her to just grow up. She did a grown-up thing. She drank UNDERAGE. She took a life. She told me TO MY FACE she would take her punishment and do the time, but now that it comes down to it, she's dragging it out. She's hurting my family even more than she already has. Why can't this chapter of our life be over already. We've waited a year to see this girl go to prison for what she did. All this year, she's had her driver's license. She's been a "free" woman. She got Christmas with her family, New Year's with her family, and most recently, her 21st birthday with her family. Know what we were doing for Stephen's 25th birthday this year? Writing messages on damn balloons and sending them to heaven. That's what.

I am so angry. Just take the deal. Get it over with. Don't drag it out. We didn't hate her, but now we do. Now we are so angry. She's a murderer and she's getting away with it. Sure she'll have the FELON stamp on her for life, but she's getting off as far as prison time goes. She'll serve some time, but not nearly enough in my book.

I haven't been angry for about 7 months, but now it's eating me up. I won't be at ease until Stephen gets some justice.

Almost to the 1-year mark

2008-08-20T07:33:00.004-04:00

It's so hard to believe that in just 18 days, my brother will have been dead an entire year. So much has happened in the last year, yet it doesn't feel like we've gone a year without him. I remember so clearly everything that happened when he died and the days following. I can still hear the sound of my scream when I got the news. I can still see the smile on his face and his open eyes when we saw him in the morgue. I can still hear my mom when she said, "Stephen's dead." Every detail is so vivid and ingrained in my brain, that I don't think it will ever go away.

A friend of mine lost her sister over the weekend suddenly and I lost it. I didn't even know the person who died. I was crying for my friend. When you lose a sibling that suddenly, with no warning or preparation, it hurts so bad. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Stephen. My heart hurts. Even sitting here thinking about my friend and knowing the pain she's going through right now, makes me cry to know that someone else has to feel what I'm feeling. I don't wish this heartache on anyone.

For the last year, my mind has been consumed by Stephen. I didn't even think about him this much when he was alive. Everything I see reminds me of him. Songs I hear, clothes in the store that he would have worn, movies he would have liked, phrases my kids say that he would have laughed at and used over and over. All of it reminds me of Stephen and makes me miss him so much.

I have good days often. Great days, even. But days like Monday, when I heard about my friend's loss, I couldn't take it. I had to pull over into a parking lot to cry. With my kids in the car. Watching me. Listening to me sob. I hate that they have to see me like that, but I couldn't help it. I usually can walk into another room and lose it there, but I had just picked them up from school. I calmed down, took them home, then sat in the driveway and finished my sobbing. I don't cry much anymore, but the days that I do, I have to just get it out, and then I can go about my day.

Some money from Stephen's settlement from the accident bought my kids one-year passes to Sea World. We all went on Sunday and the whole experience was amazing. The looks on my kids faces and how excited they were, I knew we made a wise choice to use some of the money on that. We told them it was from Uncle Steve.

While walking through Sea World, my mom said, "I wish Stephen could have come here with us." That was the first time she had mentioned him that day. Right after she said that, we almost bumped into a man standing in the middle of the pathway. He was wearing a Michael Vick #7 shirt, Stephen's favorite football player. The next corner we turned, there was the Jimmie Johnson Lowes/Sea World race car, Stephen's favorite Nascar driver. The next turn we made, I turned around to make sure I had all the kids, and walking behind us was a man in a Fox Racing t-shirt, which Stephen loved. Three SIGNS, all within 3 minutes. Three messages that Stephen WAS with us that day.

Stephen, I love you. I miss you. I see so much of you in my boys, and I'm glad to see it. I hope you're happy where you are. I hope you can see us, hear us, and know for certain our love for you, if you ever doubted it before. I hope you can see how Dad feels for you too. And Linda. This pain won't ever go away. The disbelief it even happened will probably always still be there too. We've had a Christmas without you, a new year without you and your 25th birthday has passed. In 18 days, you'll have been gone a year. It's hard to believe, but we know it's true. We love you so and miss you every day, all the time. Your story is powerful and has the chance to save lives, I never miss a chance to share it. I love you. ~~Nicole

Pics of the kids from Sea World:

Jake posing in our family picture (He's so much like his uncle)

Jake in awe at the fish in the tank overhead. His expression was so worth the trip.

Jake smiling at my mom

Had to peel Jake away from this tank!

The boys with the Jimmie Johnson car

Our family in the Shark Tank

Our family with Mom

Kinsey and Jake standing on an aquarium

Kinsey and Jake watching the free divers

Trey playing in the water, getting cooled off

Results from the Traffic Checkpoint

2008-08-14T17:05:00.002-04:00

I received an email from the Captain of the Highway Patrol here in Florida with the results from the Traffic Checkpoint I participated in. They are as follows:

From the hours of 10:00pm to 2:00am, approximately 840 cars came through the checkpoint. Of those, the following enforcement action was taken:

* 4 persons arrested for Driving Under the Influence
* 7 persons were charged with Driving While License Suspended
* 1 person was charged with No Valid Driver’s License
* 3 persons were charged with Operating a vehicle with unsafe equipment
* 48 citations were issued for various traffic infractions
* 9 written warnings were issued
* 12 faulty equipment notices were issued

Total Citations: 63

My first DUI Checkpoint

2008-08-09T21:56:00.011-04:00

Last night I participated in my first DUI Checkpoint. It's pretty cool to go from being an everyday citizen, to being given the endorsement of the highway patrol and have the chance to be on the side of law enforcement during a DUI Checkpoint. I was there with at least 40 officers who were IDing drivers and checking registrations. They stopped every car heading west toward town. They sent them into a parking lot which had 2 intake lanes set up. There were about 4 officers in each lane, and it kind of looked like the pits at a race. They would ask for ID and registration. If the driver didn't have either one or seemed to be impaired, they had the driver pull off to the side to have officers check them out further.

Me and Captain Mike Burroughs (my mentor)

I got to watch people be arrested, undergo a field sobriety test, have their cars sniffed by K-9, and their cars be torn apart, seat-by-seat. It was really enlightening. One person who got stopped had been involved in a high-speed chase a few weeks earlier, then got stopped about a week ago, then got caught in the checkpoint. Needless to say, he got arrested. Two guys who got stopped had a scale and cocaine in a duffel bag in their car. They went to jail.

I had the opportunity to speak to 2 young men who had an open container of liquor in their car. I wore my pin with Stephen's picture on it, and I told them my story. They had asked why I was there so I jumped at the chance to tell them first-hand what drinking and driving will do to people's lives. They received a ticket for an open container and were let go.

I really think I've found my calling. I want to work with the Florida Highway Patrol as an advocate. I would go along on family notifications of deaths and accidents and council families on the proper steps to take afterward. I wouldn't be able to do it until the kids are a little older since I would have to be on call 24 hours a day.

Here are the pictures I took. I had to distort the civilians faces to protect their privacy.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Stephen's last video

2008-08-03T21:34:00.006-04:00

I have recently discovered a video of Stephen and my kids that I didn't know existed. It was at my grandmother's house. It's just us sitting around eating, and we always hated when my grandmother filmed us eating, but I am thrilled to have found it! I didn't have any video of Stephen playing with the kids so this means everything to me! I'm sorry for the poor quality. It's on VHS, so I took a video of the tv while it was playing.

I wanted to share this with those who loved Stephen and miss him every day. I know they'd want to just hear his voice again.

Stephen at the table talking to Makinsey

And the video of him playing with Jake

Look what I just found online

2008-08-01T01:40:00.005-04:00

My step-mom Linda told me she found the mugshot of Chrissie (the girl who killed Stephen) online. When we got back, she showed it to me. This was an article that I hadn't seen yet. I'll paste it below (They had him named as Michael DiPatri. They left off his first name):

Marietta Accident Kills Florida Man
From: The Traveler's Rest Monitor

A Florida man was killed on Geer Highway last Thursday night after his motorcycle collided with a vehicle near North Forest Drive. By - Roger Jewell

A Florida man was killed in a traffic accident at Geer Highway and North Forest Circle in Marietta last Thursday at about 11:55 p.m.

[Stephen] Michael Dipatri, 24 of Lake City, Florida, died at the scene from neck and chest injuries according to the Greenville County Coroner’s Office. A Greenville woman, Barbara Clark, 20, was charged by the South Carolina Highway Patrol with felony DUI. She was placed in the Greenville County Detention Center on $25,000 bond.

Dipatri was wearing a helmet at the time of the accident. He had been visiting friends in Brevard, NC for the last few months.

Dipatri was traveling north on Highway 276 just north of Marietta when he ran into a Jeep driven by Clark. Authorities say Clark was at a stop sign at North Forest Circle and drove out into the highway to turn left when the motorcycle ran into her driver’s side door. The highway was closed for about an hour after the crash.

Barbara (Chrissie) Clark

I also have a picture of the damage done to her vehicle. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

The impact was so great that when he hit her car, he broke the side mirror off and it landed in the passenger seat floorboard. His body went up onto the top of the windshield, and I believe his arm is what broke the windshield. We also found out that Stephen saw her pull out and tried to swerve behind her vehicle to avoid her. He was such a good rider and had such quick reflexes. He tried to save himself.

Our trip to South Carolina

2008-07-30T16:20:00.008-04:00

Stephen's birthday is Thursday (the 31st). He would have been turning 25 this year. Mom and Dad had to go to court to settle up with the insurance company. Since it was so close to Stephen's birthday, we decided to have a balloon lift-off to celebrate.

On Monday, Mom and I left to go to Athens, GA to pick up my mom's mom Marie. We picked her up and went to the nursing home to visit my great-grandmother Lois. We saw my cousin Kendra and her 3 boys while we were there. We left for Greenville and met up with our MADD Advocate and good friend Wendy. She's been helping us out since shortly after Stephen died, but I never had the chance to meet her in person. We talk on the phone a lot and feel like we're old friends. She organzied a balloon liftoff for the month anniversary of Stephen's death. So, we met with her and waited for Jamie to get off work. Jamie is the old friend of Stephen's whom he had dinner with the night he died. We went to Jamie's house to get ready for dinner. Jamie let us stay with her. It was me, mom, Grandma Rea, Wendy and Jamie. It was like a slumber party!

Kim (Griffen's sister) and her husband Lee came over to Jamie's to meet. Lee's dad was having surgery on Tuesday, so she came back from her vacation for it, and it just happened to be the day we came up. It was so nice to meet her. She and I have gotten to be so close because we've experienced the same loss and are both being proactive about speaking out about alcohol abuse. She was so nice and I am so happy we were finally able to meet in person and give each other the hugs we've been wanting to give each other over the last few months.

(Click to enlarge)

Kim and I

Anyway, Stephen's friend Keri and her sister Kristy came over from Brevard for dinner. Kristy and I have become pretty good friends online since Stephen died. She's had some tragic loss in her life and she has really been a source of comfort and healing for me. Dad and Linda were on vacation from Phoenix already, so they headed over to Knoville, TN and picked up my younger brother Frank and came down to Greenville. The 10 of us went to dinner at Wild Wing Cafe. That's the last place Stephen was before he died. He and Jamie ate there that night. It got a little emotional at one point, but I'm glad we went.

Jamie, Wendy and I

Frank, Dad and Linda

With Keri and Kristy

Linda, Me, Dad and Frank

Me, Mom and Grandma Rea

When I was at my grandmother's house, I found a video tape of Stephen with me and Jake and Kinsey at Christmas 2006. He had brought his then-girlfriend Amanda home from Arizona and we went for lunch with Grandma Rea. I was so excited to find that tape because I have been so mad that I never made any video of Stephen with the kids. I wished there was some tape so the kids could have some video to remember how he was with them. He was such a wonderful uncle to them. We watched the video at Jamie's before we went to bed.

Tuesday morning, we all got together for breakfast, and while Mom and Dad went to court, Wendy took Marie, Frank and I walking around downtown Greenville and we went to the suspension bridge over Reedy River Falls. After court, Mom, Dad, Linda and I went to see Sgt Brock of the MAIT team to find out all the details of Stephen's accident. After that we headed out to the crash site to have the memorial celebration for Stephen's birthday. Casey came over from Brevard and we all had a nice time. It was very emotional for all of us.

The cross and sign

Casey and Me

Getting ready to send our messages to Stephen

Watching them float to Heaven

The balloons

Frank, Dad and Me

Dad, Me and Mom

My Dad

I got a little emotional

We didn't get back til after 1am this morning. It was a loooong 2 days but I got to do a lot of the things I've been waiting 11 months to do and meet the people I've been wanting to meet.

I'm going to add some more pictures from our walk downtown as soon as Dad emails them to me.

Trooper hit by drunk driver while question another drunk driver

2008-07-26T12:37:00.005-04:00

Lance Corporal Lee Gillespie, SCHP (Left) and Stephen Spence, offender (Above)

Trooper Hit by Drunk Driver While Making Another DUI Arrest
Suspected drunken driver clips cruiser as patrolman makes public intoxication arrest

By Nita Birmingham (Contact), Noah Haglund (Contact)
The Post and Courier
Saturday, July 26, 2008

A suspected drunken driver clipped the back of a state trooper's car early Friday on Interstate 26 at Spruill Avenue as the officer was arresting another driver for public intoxication, authorities said.

The impact propelled the patrol car into the trooper and the man he was arresting, but both were treated at a local hospital and released. A Charleston County sheriff's report said that Stephen B. Spence, 37, of Summerville, was driving the Nissan Altima that hit the trooper's car. Spence was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence.

The 1:20 a.m. crash happened as Lance Cpl. Lee V. Gillespie was out of his car with the driver of a disabled sport utility vehicle. The blue lights were running on the trooper's car, said Sid Gaulden, director of the Department of Public Safety's Office of Executive Affairs.

Authorities gave this account:

A Mount Pleasant crime scene technician was on her way home when she saw a Ford Explorer stopped partially in traffic in the westbound lane closest to the center retaining wall. A tire had separated from one of the rims. She notified the Highway Patrol, stayed until Gillespie arrived, then left.

Gillespie and the driver of the sport utility vehicle, Bradley Stephen Tamblyn, 36, of Mount Pleasant, were standing in front of the patrol car. Gillespie was in the process of arresting Tamblyn on a charge of public intoxication when the Nissan came from behind and hit the trooper's car.

The trooper's observations of the scene led to Tamblyn's arrest, Gaulden said. Gillespie could not arrest Tamblyn on a charge of DUI because the trooper did not see him driving, he said.

The impact knocked the cruiser into the center retaining wall, then into Gillespie and Tamblyn. Both men were treated at Medical University Hospital. A woman who answered the telephone Friday at Tamblyn's house would not comment.

Spence would not do field sobriety exercises and refused to take a breath test, the Sheriff's Office said. He said he'd had a couple of beers and a container of beer was in the right rear passenger seat of the Nissan, the sheriff's report said.

It was at least the second crash in Charleston County since Wednesday night in which alcohol-related charges were filed. In the earlier incident, a motorcyclist was fatally injured in Mount Pleasant and a woman was charged with felony DUI.

"All I can tell you is my guys are locking up someone every night, sometimes two or three a night," said Lt. Chip Searson, a traffic supervisor with the Charleston Police Department and MADD Charleston County Community Action Site leader. "We're just trying to keep people from killing each other out there."

Police Chief Greg Mullen has rededicated the department's efforts toward DUI enforcement, Searson said. Department arrests for DUI increased 242 percent from 2006 to 2007, he said. Officers made 143 arrests in 2006 and 489 last year.

Gov. Mark Sanford in April signed a new law to toughen the state's DUI penalties and remove enforcement loopholes that Sanford's office said had been used in the past to give defense attorneys an advantage in court.

The bill increases penalties for most first-time offenses and all second and subsequent offenses and removes community service as a sentencing option for second and subsequent offenses.

It also introduces a "tiered" penalty system, with greater punishments for offenders who are grossly intoxicated, and creates tougher penalties for refusing to take blood alcohol tests, Sanford's office said.

The new law takes effect in 2009.

From: http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/jul/26/trooper_driver_hit_on_highway48835/

Mental problems

2008-07-26T02:24:00.003-04:00

Stephen's death has given me something new to think about and worry about. Seeing first-hand how quickly a life can be taken, I am constantly paranoid and afraid that I'M GOING TO DIE. Mainly I'm afraid of dying in a car accident. Granted, I do drive a Ford Expedition, and probably would do more damage to whatever vehicle I hit than my own, I still have the fear of plunging into water or someone pulling out in front of me. Basically, I see myself having the same accident Stephen had, sans the motorcycle. I am afraid all the time. Stephen's death has made me so aware of my surroundings while I'm driving. I know I'm being careful. I'm not worried about my driving. I'm worried about all the idiots driving around me.

Not too long ago, Bill and I were driving and were mooned by the teenage driver of a car in the lane beside us. Yes, you read it correctly. The DRIVER mooned us while he was DRIVING. Putting his cruise control to good use, I'd say.

I'm constantly worried that I don't have a last will and testament. I'm worried I don't have life insurance. All things I could fix, just haven't found the time to do it. I would like to think I have plenty of time, but we all know that's not a given.

I have only discussed this with two people. But I feel that others who are going through this need to know they're not alone. It's a natural feeling. If anyone has gone through this and has a remedy, please let me know. I guess getting the insurance and will taken care of would be a huge relief.

But the thing that bothers me the most is dying and leaving my family behind. Leaving someone else to raise my children. And leaving my mother childless.

This makes me happy

2008-07-17T02:14:00.005-04:00

The days when I think I'm just gonna cry all day, I am thankful for my kids the most. They keep me busy. They make me laugh. Jake is the comedian, and I swear, the day Stephen died, his soul went into Jake's body. I've never seen 2 people more alike!

This is what makes me laugh:

And this: (He's trying to say High School Musical 2.)

I've got a new dragonfly at the house.

2008-07-17T02:10:00.001-04:00

So I came home the other day and found we have a new dragonfly buddy at our house. We still have that cool green and black one hanging around. (See it here.)

Here's the new one. He's so pretty! He's blue!

This hits really close to home.

2008-07-17T01:53:00.004-04:00

Last December, an 18-year-old boy in the town I live in, Lake City, FL, was driving under the influence and rear-ended a car, killing a man and his toddler grandson. Then that car hit a car carrying 3 other people. He received his sentence on Monday. He got 35 years! He got 15 years for each person who died and 5 years probation for the DUI with bodily injury. I just think how quickly the case was resolved. It only took 7 months. Here we are, 10 months after Stephen's death, and we have yet to go to trial. There has been a plea offer made, but the offender has asked for an extension, so we won't know whether or not she'll accept it until September 1 (6 days before the 1-year anniversary of Stephen's death.)

I've posted the articles about the accident that I talked about above. I'll put the original article from last December first, and then the one from yesterday's paper, next.

This is the young man. The expression on his face makes me sick to my stomach.

Aaron Russell Adler

Wreck kills 2, hurts 3
By TROY ROBERTS troberts@lakecityreporter.com
Published: Monday, December 3, 2007 9:52 PM EST

A Lake City teenager was charged with DUI manslaughter after a wreck Saturday night took the lives of a Lake City man and his 2-year-old grandson.

Aaron Russell Adler, 18, was charged in the deaths of Henry C. Camiel, 61, and 2-year-old Craig Camiel Jr. Adler was charged with two counts of DUI manslaughter and three counts of DUI with serious bodily injury after his SUV struck the rear of a car driven by Henry Camiel, Florida Highway Patrol reports state.

Three Lake Butler residents also suffered critical injuries in the crash, according to reports.

At approximately 6:30 p.m. Saturday, FHP troopers responded to a wreck on U.S. Highway 441, just south of Lake City near the intersection of County Road 242. The investigation revealed Adler was traveling northbound on the roadway and quickly approached Camiel's car, did not slow down and struck the rear of it.

The impact forced Camiel's car into southbound traffic, where he collided with a pickup truck driven by George R. Griffis, 57, of Lake Butler. Cathy Griffis, 50, and Kathrine Touchton, 81, also of Lake Butler, were in that vehicle at the time of the crash. All three were taken to Shands at

the University of Florida in Gainesville with critical injuries. Reports indicate their conditions had improved on Monday.

According to reports, neither seat belts nor child restraint were in use in the Camiel's vehicle at the time of the crash.

Adler was not wearing a seat belt at the time of the crash and was not injured.

“The family of Aaron Adler would like to offer their sincerest apologies and condolences to the victims and their families of the senseless and irresponsible criminal act that was visited upon them this past weekend,” said Aaron Adler's father, Russ Adler, in a statement released by the family. “Our prayers and heartfelt sympathies are with them.”

Lt. Mike Burroughs, public information officer for Troop B of FHP, said Russ Adler has promised his full cooperation into finding the source of the alcohol that his son consumed. Investigators are attempting to determine how the 18-year-old came into possession of alcohol.

“This is a far-reaching tragedy that could have been prevented by the interaction of someone calling Tow-To-Go for Mr. Adler's safe transport home, as well as his car being towed,” Burroughs said of the AAA program that can be utilized by calling (800) AAA-HELP. “As we approach the Christmas and New Year holidays, we are seeking cooperative help from the hosts of parties, bartenders and community members to help FHP stop underage impaired driving.”

Teen sentenced to 35 years in prison
19-year-old was under the influence at the time of a fatal wreck.
By TONY BRITT tbritt@lakecityreporter.com
Published: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 6:11 AM EDT

A Lake City teenager was sentenced to more than 30 years in prison for his role in a December 2007 fatal wreck where he was driving under the influence of alcohol.

Aaron Russell Adler, 19, was sentenced to 35 years in prison and five years probation. The sentencing was done Monday in a Columbia County Circuit Court. Adler was initially charged in the deaths of Henry C. Camiel, 61, and 2-year-old Craig Camiel Jr. Adler has been incarcerated in the Columbia County Jail since his arrest Dec. 1, 2007.

Adler was charged with two counts of DUI manslaughter and three counts of DUI with serious bodily injury after his SUV struck the rear of a car driven by Henry Camiel, according to Florida Highway Patrol reports.

Adler, who was represented by Jeffrey Siegmeister in Monday’s court proceedings, pleaded no contest to two counts of DUI manslaughter, two counts of DUI with serious bodily injury and one count of DUI with bodily injury. He was found guilty of all charges by Judge Julian E. Collins. Tina Seifert was the prosecuting attorney for the State Attorneys Office.

Adler received 15 years prison time for each DUI manslaughter count and five years in prison for one of the DUI with serious injury charges. He was sentenced to five years probation on the second DUI with serious injury charge and accredited for time served on the DUI with bodily injury charge.

According to police report accounts of the wreck, FHP troopers responded to the Dec. 1 wreck on U.S. Highway 441, just south of Lake City near the intersection of County Road 242, and their investigation revealed Adler was traveling northbound on the roadway and quickly approached Camiel’s car, did not slow down and struck the rear of it.

The impact forced Camiel’s car into southbound traffic, where he collided with a pickup truck driven by George R. Griffis, 57, of Lake Butler. Cathy Griffis, 50, and Kathrine Touchton, 81, also of Lake Butler, were in that vehicle at the time of the crash. All three were taken to Shands at the University of Florida in Gainesville with critical injuries.

According to reports, neither seat belts nor child restraint were in use in Camiel’s vehicle at the time of the crash.

Adler was not wearing a seat belt at the time of the crash and was not injured.

I haven't forgotten

2008-06-28T01:08:00.005-04:00

I know I blog less often. And I haven't cried in a while. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about Stephen nor have I "gotten over" his death. When Stephen died, people told me, "It gets easier over time." I thought they were crazy. But then I realized, "It can't get any worse, right?"

I check Stephen's myspace daily. I think about him EVERY DAY. A lot throughout the day. I didn't think about him this much when he was alive. It's hard to explain, but I almost feel guilty for not wanting to just lay in bed and not get up. I feel guilty for laughing sometimes. I feel guilty for not crying enough. I feel like he's looking down on me with hurt feelings, wondering why I don't seem sadder than I am. I am sad. I do miss him. I know he knows that. In reality, he wouldn't want me to be sad. He would be glad that I'm making it through the days.

Tonight, I was in the store just browsing for Trey an extra birthday gift to give him at his party tomorrow and there were these cargo camo shorts. They had this belt that matched the one Stephen wore in his casket, except it was brown and the one Stephen had on was ivory. It took my breath for just a second because I remembered going into the chapel ahead of everyone to make sure Stephen looked the way we wanted him to in the casket and not look "made up" with lots of makeup. I remembered checking to make sure his shirt was tucked in the way he wore it, with just the front little bit tucked in and the rest un-tucked. I remembered trying to (and here come the tears now) shift his belt around a little to the front because it wasn't perfectly centered, but I couldn't get the belt to budge. It was almost like it was sewn onto his pants or something. I really tried to move the belt but it wouldn't move. It was like Stephen was telling me to leave it alone, that he didn't care what he looked like, as long as he was comfortable. If Stephen had planned what he was to wear ahead of time, he probably would have requested to wear nothing but a sock, you-know-where! (His closest friends will know what I'm talking about.) Or he'd want to be face down so he could moon everyone. He loved to do that!

Anyway, I've gone way off track. I don't seem sadder because I can't. I have to get by. Maybe if he had still been living with me when he died, it would be harder. I don't know. I use the funny memories of Stephen to keep my spirits up.

I have scoured the net and found the saddest songs about loss and made a CD for those days when I just need to have a good cry so the rest of my day can go on. I'll list them below in case anyone wants to make a CD for themselves.

Also, yesterday I was folding clothes and I heard Makinsey crying in her sleep. I went in to check on her and she was sobbing. I laid down with her and her body was bearing down, like it hurt so bad she couldn't breathe. Almost like the way I cried when I had first heard Stephen died, like the wind got knocked out of me. It made me cry to see my 7-year-old daughter crying like that. I patted her on the face and said her name several times to wake her up. I wanted to free her from whatever horrible nightmare she was having. I wanted to take her pain away. She came to and saw me in the bed, tears streaming down her face, and turned away from me. I asked her what she had been dreaming about and she told me she didn't want to talk about it. I finally coaxed it out of her and she told me she was dreaming about Uncle Steve and about all the fun times they used to have and that she missed him. I've only seen Makinsey cry 3 times over Stephen before.

Here is the list of songs for my "Have a Good Cry" CD:

"View from Heaven" - Yellowcard
"Forever" - Vertical Horizon
"When I look to the sky" - Train
"This is a call" - Thousand Foot Krutch
"We live" - Superchick
"With Hope" - Steven Curtis Chapman
"If I had only known" - Reba McEntire
"Photograph" - Nickelback
"Far Away" - Nickelback
"Held" - Natalie Grant
"Lost" - Michael Buble
"Homesick" - Mercy Me
"Broken" - Lifehouse
"From where you are" - Lifehouse
"Who you'd be today" - Kenny Chesney
"In Loving Memory (Acoustic)" - Jamestown Story
"With you in your dreams" - Hanson
"We believe" - Good Charlotte
"Tonight" - FM Static
"God only cries for the living" - Diamond Rio
"I miss you" - Blink 182
"Never Gone" - Backstreet Boys
"In loving memory" - Alter Bridge
"Shadow of the Day" - Linkin Park

My hands were tied...

2008-06-21T09:26:00.002-04:00

So most of you know already that when we met with the defendant, we videoed the meeting to share with our closest friends and family who were unable to attend the meeting. Our attorney mentioned it in passing to the state's attorney because I'm guessing he though the SA already knew about it.

John Gregory, the SA, called and "requested" a copy of the DVD. I told him that I gave my word to the family that we would only use it for family. I know I don't "owe" them anything, but my word is my word, no matter who I give it to.

He went on to say that he would just charge me with withholding evidence and subpoena the video tape because it's damning evidence. Then I realized, I am not doing anything criminal to hurt myself over keeping my word to that girl. So I gave the links to watch the video on Google Video (which are private, except for by direct link) and told him I would send him a hard copy when I bought some blank DVDs. I also typed a word-for-word transcript and sent that to him too.

I know I gave my word. I know that family is going to think I told them it was just for family and then turned around and ran to the SA to give it to him. That's not how it happened.

Apparently, the girl told a lie to the arresting officer and still sticks to that story. Something she said in the video proves she lied. That's why he needed the video so bad.

So I tried to keep my word, but my hands were tied.

He probably saved a life or two...

2008-06-16T21:49:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, Bill, the kids and I went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping. We split up in the store. He takes the older two and I take Jake. I saw Bill walk right past me and I yelled for him, but he didn't turn around. I went to the front of the store to look for him and there he was with a manager, the greeter and two teenage boys with their heads hung in shame. Bill caught the two boys stealing Smirnoffs and followed them out of the store. He told them that if they didn't go in and turn themselves in, he was going to call the cops.

He told them that he had just lost his brother-in-law 9 months ago because no one stopped the girl that killed him before she drank and drove. He wasn't going to let them ruin their lives and possibly the lives of others.

The police were called and when the mother of one of the boys was called, we found out that she had just been caught stealing in Walmart last week. What a shame! The boys were only 15 years old. They were taken out of the store in handcuffs and booked at the police station.

I know people will say it wasn't any of Bill's business, but I sure wish the girl that killed my brother had been caught previously to the night of September 6, and that she could have had that chance to be scared out of drinking and driving. Maybe my brother would still be here.

We probably won't ever know how what Bill did changed the course of events, but I do know this...Walmart is a big store, and Bill just happened to be on that aisle whenever they decided to steal the liquor. Things happen for a reason. Hopefully those boys will learn their lesson and it will be an example to the young boys and girls who know them.

It's an EPIDEMIC

2008-06-05T13:43:00.002-04:00

From: http://www.nbc4.com/news/16495494/detail.html

Police: Toddler Steered Car For Drunken Mother
Two Other Children Also In Car

POSTED: 3:13 pm EDT June 4, 2008

GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Ohio -- A police officer in Ohio said he pulled over a woman he suspected was driving drunk and found the woman's 1-year-old son steering the wheel, reported WLWT-TV in Cincinnati.

Marya Green was pulled over Tuesday.

The officer said that when he came to the driver's window, he found Green's 1-year-old son at the wheel, sitting in Green's lap.

Green, 29, registered a 0.11 percent blood-alcohol level. Two other children, ages 8 and 5, were also in the car.

Green was arrested and faces charges of DUI, driving under OVI suspension, noncompliance and endangering children.

Police said this is Green's third DUI arrest in six years.

The children were released to their father, police said.

*********************

Two questions...

1. Why does this woman still have custody of her children up until this point?
2. After the 2nd DUI arrest, why is this woman still a FREE woman?

She obviously has no regard for her children nor the law. When will people learn that human safety is more important than over-crowded prisons???

Breaking News: Drunk driving claims another life

2008-06-03T18:25:00.004-04:00

Why does this keep happening?

June 3 2008 1:55PM EDT
MEXICO - A Texas man has been arrested for driving under the influence, falling asleep at the wheel and hitting bicyclists in a race. One person was killed and 10 others were injured when Juan Campos, apparently drunk, crashed his car into the racers riding down a highway in Monterrey, near the U.S.-Mexico border.

According to police, the drunken Campos fell asleep at the wheel. This photograph was taken by a city official at the exact moment of the accident. It happened 15 minutes into the race.

A total of 452 cyclists were participating in the 21-mile race, which was canceled after the incident.

Dragonflies from Stephen

2008-06-01T07:55:00.002-04:00

I don't recall ever seeing a dragonfly in person in my whole life. And if I have, it wasn't close to me, it may have been off in the distance. After Stephen died and Mom and I came home, we were picking the kids up from school. A dragonfly came up to the car and just hovered in front of the windshield. It just stayed around the car for the longest time. And it wasn't a dainty little pretty dragonfly. This was a big, burly, fuzzy dragonfly. I just thought it was so wierd that it was staying right there beside us.

This same thing kept happening different places we would go. I took Mom home one day and there was a big dragonfly just floating by her car (we were in mine.) I took the kids to the playground while Trey had baseball practice. About 5 dragonflies were circling the kids. They even came right up to me so I could get a few pictures. We figured these dragonflies were messages from Stephen. That he's here with us in spirit. I figured, (if anyone knew Stephen, they'd agree) Stephen picked a dragonfly, probably because a butterfly was "too gay." A butterfly wouldn't be manly enough for him.

The dragonflies had been gone for a while, and then I found the card in the store. You can read about it here. I have it framed on my desk.

About a week or two ago, the dragonflies returned. There's this really cool-looking one that hangs out at my house, and it's the same one all the time. It's black with this neon green color throughout. (The same green as Stephen's initials on Bill's racecar.) It came close and let me take some pics of it until Jakey ran up and scared it off.

What's funny is when the kids were on the trampoline yesterday, it came up there with them. Trey sprayed it with the waterhose and Kinsey said, "Don't do that! It's Uncle Steve!"

These were the dragonflies from the ball field last year:

And these pics are of the dragonfly at my house right now:

The Number 7, Part 2

2008-05-28T18:59:00.004-04:00

For Part 1, click here.

My husband Bill and his uncle have a racing team here in Lake City. Right now, there's 3 cars on their team. Last week, the racetrack had a "Preachers-only" race. After the race, the preachers' cars were auctioned off and the track purchased one of the cars. The track owner asked Bill and Bobby if they would keep it at Bobby's house and work on it and bring it to the track each week. The car would be there in case someone's car was disabled early on in the night and they needed a spare car to use for another race.

Today, Bill and I rode by Bobby's house today to see the "Preacher Car". When we got there, I was stunned. Stephen wanted in on the racing team really bad, I guess! If you look on Bill's racecar, below, you'll see the color of his initials (SMD) is the same color as the preacher car. The car is also #7, which is Stephen's number.

Bill's car:

The "Preacher" car

Forgiveness

2008-05-25T23:30:00.002-04:00

One lesson I've had to learn the hard way is forgiving a person that has broken my spirit. She has torn a part of my life away from me, my children and my parents. It is a loss I feel every second of every day. I have felt anger, pain, sorrow, resentment, frustration, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, and more. How can I feel anything but hatred for someone who has done that to me? Simple. If I don't forgive her, what kind of life will I lead? How can I carry that around and be healthy the rest of my life? How can I enjoy those around me if I am always so down and depressed? How can I spend time with my kids and my husband and make great memories if I am grumpy all the time? I'm not affecting Her in any way. I'm not making her days any harder to get through. The only people I'm hurting in the end are myself and those around me. I had to do some deep soul-searching and studying God's word to find the release I'd been looking for. One of God's main teachings is forgiveness. With prayer and leadership from God, I have been able to forgive her.

Below is the information I found and I'm passing it along to anyone who needs it.

Mark 11:25-26 (Amplified) "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop--leave it, let it go--in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your (own) failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings."

The Bible speaks about every person needing forgiveness and every person needing to forgive. Why? Because we are all sinners in need of God's forgiveness. None of us is perfect.

Some of us have been betrayed in devastating ways, and have suffered profoundly at the hand of abusive people. Others have been horribly mistreated by those of other races, nations, and religions. If you are suffering with deep unhealed wounds, know the Lord has also been hurt with your pain. He loves you and wants to heal you. It is because of His great love for you that He is calling you to forgive. It is your only release from the emotional prison that you are now in.

The best way to be rid of bearing a grudge against someone (or a race, nation, gender, or church, etc.), is to confess it to the Lord and seek His help. Then, begin to pray for that person as if you were praying for yourself.

"Lord, bless so-and-so. Cause their way to be pleasing to You in all that they do. Lead them closer to you! Cleanse them of all sin and give them the grace and strength to repent of any wickedness in their heart. Cause them to thirst for intimacy with You, and let them be fulfilled in Your presence. Let them honor You and put You first in all their ways. Send Your Holy Spirit to minister to them, to strengthen them, and to lead them. Let them fulfill the call of God on their life. Bless their family/job/ministry/etc. Cause them to be fruitful and to be established in your love. Minister to them in the area of their deepest needs. Help me to be truly concerned for them. Let me have your heart for this person. Show me how to pray for them and love them as you want me to...."

Then, bind away any spirit of deception that has come over them, or anything else the Lord may show you in prayer. This is what "loving our enemies" is all about. It is looking past the sin they have committed against us, and honestly wanting the best for them and for God to be merciful to them.

Matthew 5:44-48: "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

As you are faithful to pray for those who have wronged you in this way, you will see a change come about in them--and in you!!! Instead of hate, you will begin to have God's compassion for them. There is nothing that pleases the Lord more than to see His children bearing each other's burdens, loving each other from the heart, and living in humility toward each other.

A sign from Stephen?

2008-05-25T23:23:00.003-04:00

My dad sent a package to me and the kids with some gifts and some keepsakes of Stephen's. Dad sent me a MADD Ribbon magnet for my car. I put it on the back of my car and wanted to take a picture of it, and when I did, the sun was setting and it cast this beautiful light on the picture. The rays were shining down on the "In Memory" decal I have on my back window.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE IMAGE)

It was like a sign from Stephen saying, "It's going to get better, the sun is shining, it's getting lighter in the darkness." He wants us to be happy and not so dark and gloomy anymore. I think this meeting we had with the defendant has really been a turning point in our lives. Our family has let go of the questions, the anxiety, the anger. We don't hate her. We aren't angry with her. If we carried that around with us all the time, what kind of lives would we lead? We have to forgive.

We met her...

2008-05-23T16:46:00.001-04:00

It finally happened. Today, my family met with the girl who killed Stephen. She and her parents came (WITHOUT their lawyer, which was a huge shocker) to Lake City where mom and I live and we had Dad and Linda live on webcam via Skype.

First, I showed her the memorial slideshow I made for Stephen. About halfway through the video, it shows the accident, his funeral, his ashes, the roadside memorial, etc. She really sobbed during that part.

After she watched the video, I told her we had a list of questions we'd like answered. She was more than eager to oblige. The fact that they came without an attorney says a lot to me that she sincerely wants to do for us whatever we need.

I asked her questions about her life, about how it's changed, what she plans to do with her life, the order of events that night, did Stephen try to speak or move at all, and more. They also allowed us to video tape the meeting, which was really important to us.

She expressed that she wants to speak out about her actions and about drunk driving and underage alcohol use. My dad asked that if she really wants to help, maybe she could work closely with the ministry our family has built about educating people about alcohol use and abuse. I gave her the link to Stephen's website, and my email address.

It would be so much easier to be angry with her and hold a grudge if she were a monster. She's a very articulate, beautiful, smart young lady. In fact, the second we saw her, my mom said, "She looks like someone Stephen would have dated." She's doesn't have a history of criminal activity, she's a college student, she works, she's from a great family. Her parents are so nice and you can tell they love their daughter and are so sad this had to happen to anyone.

They hugged us before they left. Her mom kissed me on the cheek. She asked if she could keep in touch and I said she could email me. I am very curious to follow her as she grows and see if she keeps her promises she made to us today.

She admits she did wrong. She knows she's going to prison, and she's absolutely terrified. She told us that when the judge tells her she has to go to jail, she's not going to oppose it. She'll go and take her punishment because that's what she deserves.

I am so glad we met her. Now, I am able to finally say, without a doubt, that I forgive her, I don't hate her, I feel sorry for her, and I hate that her family is suffering, as ours is.

Thanks to everyone who said prayers for my family today. They definitely worked.

Memories

2008-05-19T11:20:00.004-04:00

Little things make me think of Stephen. "E.T." came on TV the other day and the kids and I watched it. Stephen and I wore that movie out when we were kids. A song will come on the radio and I will instantly hear Stephen's voice singing the song terribly but humorously. Anyone who knew Stephen knows what I'm talking about. Boy couldn't sing a note, but loved doing it!

Yesterday, Bill and I took the kids out to lunch. We usually have a wait since there are 5 of us and we need a big table. While we were waiting, another large party came in and there was a teenage boy, maybe 17 years old. He was with a woman in her thirties who had 2 small children with her. The boy picked up the little girl, maybe a year old, and was throwing her in the air and playing with her. Then he got the little boy, who was maybe 3 years old, and said, "Oh, I had to pick up the heavy one, didn't I?" And he made this grunting sound and lifted the boy over his head and the boy giggled. Tears started to well up in my eyes. Seeing this young man playing with those 2 small kids made me realize that I'll never see Stephen play with my kids anymore. My kids will never have their amazingly awesome and fun uncle play with them again. In the car Bill mentioned the young man in the restaurant. He was thinking the same thing I was when he saw it happen too.

Every time I do dishes I remember the same memory of Stephen: When Stephen lived with me, I was washing dishes and he came in to offer to rinse for me. (Yes, it's true. I don't have a dishwasher.) Anyway, he was rinsing the silverware and I told him to point the steak knife point-down. Then I told him not to put the forks in upside down. He said, sarcastically, "Oh that makes sense. Put the sharp knives point-down, but leave the sharp forks point-up." I never realized that it didn't really make sense but he called me on it. Every single time I put silverware in the dish-drain, I hear him say, "Oh that makes sense..." And I smile.

Stephen may be gone, but we will always have the memories. Those will never leave us.

Stephen playing with the kids:

CLICK TO ENLARGE IMAGE)

Mother's Day

2008-05-10T23:13:00.003-04:00

Mother's Day is tomorrow, and it's my mom's first without both her kids. My heart just breaks for her. I went over to her house today and took her gifts because I didn't know how she was going to be feeling tomorrow. She wants us all to go to lunch tomorrow, so apparently she's going to be okay. But I'm going to take it hour-by-hour and not plan too much, in case it gets to be too much for her. I have 1 more gift to give her in the morning when she picks Kinsey up for church.

For most of Stephen's life, I acted like a mommy to Stephen instead of his sister. When we were kids, he used to complain all the time that "Nicole's too bossy." Then when things got to hard for Stephen and he wanted a change, he moved in with Bill and me. He lived with us when Trey was born in 1999 and again when Jake was born in 2004. And I think, sometime again somewhere in between. I was feeding him and washing his clothes and cleaning up after him, and again, I felt like I was mothering him, when he really didn't need it. We have an awesome mom. But I just felt like I needed to take care of him. "Be home by such-and-such time," and "Be careful," I always told him. I always worried about him. I felt I needed to protect him because he didn't always make the best decisions. But I know he hated it. He felt I was being too bossy and nagging him too much. I just couldn't help it. I didn't want anything to happen to him. But in the end, I couldn't protect him.

I know the coroner said he died instantly, but the fire chief, who was the first-responder, said he had a faint pulse for about 2 minutes. I wonder, did he even have a chance to think, "Oh God! My mom. Don't do this to my mom." Did he have a chance to think, or did he really go instantly. Did he know it was happening, did he see it coming? Did he see the car and think, "Not again. You've gotta be kidding me!" (After all the wrecks he's been in, that were never his fault.) I just wish I could know his thoughts at the time of the accident. I will never know these things, so I wonder why God makes me think it all the time, if I'll never have an answer?

Well, I've rambled long enough...

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who already have children and those who are becoming new mothers. Rejoice in your kids. Hug them all the time. Tell them you love them all the time. Enjoy them being kids and let them be kids. You never know how long you have.

Tomorrow is 8 months

2008-05-06T21:11:00.002-04:00

I can't believe that tomorrow will be 8 months since Stephen died. I still have to remind myself frequently that he's really gone. My mom said the other day when we were talking: "Sometimes I just think 'Oh my God. His neck was broken. My baby's neck was actually broken.'" I feel so sad for my mom and dad. I know that it's sad for me to have lost my brother, but I can't imagine losing one of my kids. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

My friend Kim, Griffen's big sister, sent me the following message after I called her upset last week, and it's so true that I wanted to pass it along here:

Grief does not proceed in a linear fashion. It circles. You feel better. You feel yourself heal. And then, wham!--you are back on your emotional knees. Still as the days pass, the circles widen. When grief returns again, it finds you stronger.

Griffen didn't get any justice in court today. The adult who provided him with alcohol only received 30 days (suspended sentence), 50 hours community service and a $257 fine. I can't believe he could basically buy his way out, while Griffen got the death penalty. If you haven't read about Griffen below, check out his website: GriffensGift.com.

There's still something big happening in 17 days. I haven't posted the details here because I don't want to jinx it, but as soon as it happens, I will give all the details, I promise.

It's been a sad week

2008-04-22T21:07:00.003-04:00

Thursday morning, our town lost another young person. This time, it was 17-year-old Tyler Stamper. He was an athlete, very popular, a nice person who would go out of his way for anyone who needed him. I didn't know him personally, but my cousin and my sister-in-law were friends of his, and I know his grandmother. He lost control of his truck and crashed into the woods. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Word is he died instantly, but no one knows exactly what time the crash happened. A passerby saw his vehicle in the woods and called the authorities around 3:45am. This shook our town. His funeral was massive. People were walking in droves to the church because there wasn't enough parking. I was just at his school last month and I spoke to his class (the junior class). I don't know if he was there, but I feel so sad that this couldn't have been prevented.

I took my sister-in-law to the funeral and dropped her off. Just knowing what that family is feeling hurts my heart so much. I can't explain the feeling of losing someone suddenly. Talking to that person just hours before their death and then the next thing you know, you're picking out a casket. It's gut-wrenching. It hurts so bad, and my soul is aching for that family. I wish I could make it so that no family ever has to feel that feeling ever in their lifetime. I wish people didn't die without preparing for it and making peace first. I know it's hard to lose a loved one. Period. But I don't think it's as hard to deal with when you have months or weeks to prepare yourself and know that it's going to happen. You can say your goodbyes, find out everything you ever wanted to know, say everything you ever wanted to say. I think it's so much harder when you're sound asleep in your bed and you get the call in the middle of the night. You don't even have a chance to wake up yet before you hear the news. It took me 5 months to realize it really happened. 5 MONTHS!!! My brain wasn't ready for the shock it got.

I have no sense of time now. Some times, time just drags on. Other times, it goes so fast I don't even know where it went. Hours go by like minutes and other times, they go on like days. I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since Stephen died. Where did the time go? How did I make it this long without hearing his voice? I've messed up a couple times and tried to call him. I had to catch myself when my mom was in the hospital because I almost asked her if Stephen had called to check on her yet. Boy, would that have been bad.

I thought I was doing fine. I thought I had made a lot of progress, but the way I've been feeling yesterday and today, I CAN'T STAND IT. I don't believe it. I am so sad. I want him back. I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to talk to him. I want to NOT cry. I miss him so much. I know I'll be better after I have a cry. Usually it lasts about a minute and then I can go about my day.

To the Stamper family: It does get easier. Eventually. Daily. I know right now, it feels like it's not happening, or that you can't make it. But you can. You will. You think, "What would Tyler expect of me? How would he want me to live my life?" And you live it that way. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. You do it your own way. Whatever way works. If people don't call, don't take it as them not caring. Some people just don't know what to say. People are going to talk. People are going to speculate. Calmly and matter-of-factly, set them straight. Get the facts out there so people aren't tarnishing Tyler's legacy. Some people deal with it by talking about it ALL THE TIME (the way I do) and some people shy away from it all together. To each his own. I wish the Stamper family peace, sleep, busy minds so as not to think about his death all the time, love, happiness in the memories, cries, laughter, and fellowship. Please keep Tyler's (real) friends close and keep them part of your family. Keep up with them. Go to their weddings. Keep up with where life takes them. Those are things that Tyler would have done. Some of my brother's friends have become part of our family. We love them and are forever bonded by his loss.

If you've gotten this far, know that I've had to take a couple breaks, but it sure felt good to release some of what I've been feeling. I know I've got mascara running down my face. I hope the Stamper family doesn't mind me mentioning them.

Wishing I could hug him again...

How to deal...

2008-04-21T18:51:00.007-04:00

I know this blog is called "How to deal with the sudden death of a sibling," but I haven't done much explaining how to deal with it.

What keeps me going is knowing that I have 3 kids I will miss out on if I just wallow in grief. I know my kids drive me crazy, but without them my life would be boring.

I have Trey, who's a black belt in Taekwondo. He'll be 9 in just 2 months. Two months! It's so hard to believe that he's going to be 9 years old. He's an A-B Honor Roll student and is really smart. He's so smart that most of the time, I forget that he's only 8 and I end up expecting too much from him.

Here he is in his Uncle Steve's Falcons jersey. It will be Trey's when he's big enough to wear it.

Here's Trey doing what he does best:

Then there's Makinsey. She's a full-time job as it is...I lead her Girl Scout Brownie Troop. I just took her to get her hair chopped off today and she looks like a little teenager!

And here's Kinsey and I working on a Girl Scout activity:

And then I have Jacob. My Jakey. He's a 3-year-old mess!!! Today, he insisted on eating with chopsticks! Look how he's holding them! He's so funny.

And he insists on dressing himself...remind you of anyone?

So, that's part of how I deal.

On a side note, our friend Jamie (who was with Stephen the night he died) visited Stephen's road-side cross and sent me a picture of how beautiful the flowers have gotten.

Racecar in Stephen's honor

2008-04-18T21:01:00.005-04:00

My husband Bill started a racing team with his dad Billy and his Uncle Bobby. They gave it the number 83, in honor of the year Stephen was born, and put Stephen's initials (SMD) really big on the trunk. I know Stephen would love it if he was here. They're hoping the first race will be tomorrow night, if they can get it ready by then. I know Stephen will be there with them.

The racecar

(CLICK TO ENLARGE IMAGE)

The name of the team (Sheldon is my husband's family, who loved Stephen dearly)

The year Stephen was born

The trunk with Stephen's initials (My father-in-law on the left and my husband Bill on the right)

7 months today...

2008-04-07T15:18:00.004-04:00

Stephen, I can't believe it's been 7 months today. Where has the time gone? I've heard people say that to get through the pain, you're supposed to take it just 1 day at a time. That's what we've done. One day turns into one week, then into one month, and before we know it, it will have been one year. It's getting close. Your birthday is going to be especially hard. That's coming up pretty soon too. I really miss you so much. I know I'll see you again one day, but I wish I could just get a glimpse now. I love you. I miss you. Every day.

******************

Dad sent me a picture that reminded him of Stephen and he wanted me to post it on Stephen's website. Here's what he said:

"Nicole,

Whenever I tell somebody who did not know Stephen about him, I tell them he was a James Dean kind of guy. I found a good picture of James Dean. I thought you might want to put it on Stephen's myspace page."

Here's the picture:

Another message from Stephen

2008-04-01T14:36:00.003-04:00

So dragonflies have kindof been my totem for Stephen. I saw them like crazy right after he died, and I rarely ever saw them in my life before he died. I always felt like every time I saw one after he died, it was like him telling me "I'm here with you."

I haven't seen one in a long time, but yesterday, I was at the pharmacy waiting for Jake's prescriptions. I usually just go through the drive-thru, but this time I had to buy some things over-the-counter as well, so I went in. I had a while to wait, so I started browsing the store and came across a rack of greeting cards. The first one that caught my eye was a birthday card. It was orange and had dragonflies on the front. The message it had on it wasn't a very "birthday" type message. It said, "Just for today, think of things that make you happy." I thought of Stephen and how sad we've been since he died. It's almost like he was telling us to "Take a break. Don't be so sad. Just for today, think of things that make you happy. For me."

Well, I did that. I came home, cut it down to a 5x7 and put it in a pretty frame.

And it made me happy.

Guess who I saw tonight???

2008-03-24T20:49:00.005-04:00

Tonight, we had to run to the auto parts store and I was waiting in the car when I caught a glimpse of someone who looked familiar as they walked by the window inside. He stood in line, waiting to pay, and the more I looked at him, the more I realized how familiar he looked. He was basically Stephen's twin. Same nose, same ears, same hair, same manner of dress, same calf muscles. I couldn't believe my eyes. I wanted to run in and ask if I could give him a hug. But, he'd think I was psycho. The resemblance was just uncanny. I got my sister-in-law to take a couple pictures with my cell phone. What do think? Do you see the resemblance?

Here are some pics of Stephen to compare:

My first presentation!

2008-03-18T21:25:00.009-04:00

I gave my first presentation today to the local high school juniors and seniors. It was part of the pre-prom talk that they get every year. I had Trooper Ortiz there from the Florida Highway Patrol. Bill and my mom were there for support. I had to do the presentation twice.

The trooper introduced the video I made of Stephen. I sat in the front row while the students watched it. There were definitely some laughs in the beginning, but when it got to the heartbeat part and pics of his funeral and his crash, I had their full attention.

Right after the video, I got up to speak. Right off the bat, I told them that they'd have to bear with me. This my first time ever speaking to a group about this and I was a little nervous. I didn't prepare a speech either. I just spoke from my heart and chatted with them. I wanted to show them that I'm a young person, like them, and not some hoity-toity person trying to lecture them.

Then I did my Powerpoint presentation about the effects of alcohol on the body and life: what penalites their parents face for giving them alcohol, and what penalites they face for drinking and then drinking and driving. I really felt I connected with them. For the seniors, we ran out of time, so I just quickly talked through the most important info from the Powerpoint, without showing it on the screen. I had the first 6 rows stand up, which was roughly 114 students. I told them that 114 is the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drivers in crashes in 2006. Then I had all but the first two rows sit down, which was 31 kids left standing. I told them that 31 was the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drinking drivers in all fatality crashes in 2006. I feel it was very effective.

I got some really positive feedback from some students who actually approached me when it was over. I also had some teachers come to me and thank me, saying, "Thank you, they really, really needed to hear that. I just wish more people would come speak about it." I guess talking about it isn't for everyone, but this is the best way I could deal with it and come to terms with it.

Later on, Amber from Project CATCh and I went on 106.5 FM to advertise the Town Hall Meeting in Fort White on March 27th. I think it went well. My journey is just beginning, but I think it'll be a rewarding one.

Something to wear when I speak

2008-03-16T19:56:00.000-04:00

I made some buttons for people in my family to wear and for me to wear when we attend a presentation or any type of legal function. I think they turned out really nice.

I pinned one on Makinsey to see how it looks on and how big it will be.

Today was really hard

2008-03-14T01:32:00.000-04:00

I haven't had many days like today...easily shaken, easy to start crying. Today was just "one of those days." I finally brought myself to go to the post office and mail some of Stephen's ashes to our dad. The other day, I told you about what it took to actually split them up into 2 boxes. Today I actually had to go to the post office with them, and leave without them. That was particularly hard. Almost as hard as leaving the funeral home and leaving him there. Walking out of that building was extremely hard.

When I got the box out of the car and walked into the Post Office, I caught myself hugging the box, sortof. I got in line. I got to the counter and I didn't have the box prepared for mailing at all. I didn't know the procedures for mailing cremated remains. You have to tape every seam with brown tape and then the postmaster stamps all over the tape so we can tell if there's any tampering. The lady at the counter just recently lost her brother and she felt really bad for me for what I was having to do. She apologized for having to keep turning the box on it's side. I told her it was okay...

And then...

I lost it. I broke down. I don't know why at that moment. I guess the fact that I'd be leaving the ashes behind when I left the post office finally hit me. I had to let a part of him go all over again. She got me a Kleenex. I could tell she felt really bad for me. She asked if there was anything else she could help me with. I hesitated for a second, not wanting to leave, and then said "No," and walked away, crying.

A man in a wheelchair, being pushed by his elderly father, saw me at the door and said, "Are you crying?" He was very concerned to see a lady crying. He was so polite. I told him what happened and what I had just done. He was very sensitive to that. I told him that I was doing public speaking now to try and save some lives. He said he'd love to come.

I have received a lot of encouragement from people in the community. I have the official endorsement of the Florida Highway Patrol. Some people can be so amazing, just when you least expect it.

Losing a loved one is a full-time job

2008-03-11T13:02:00.000-04:00

I just felt the need to post this because you hear all the time about people dying, but people don't realize what all losing a loved one entails. Dealing with it actually becomes a full-time job. Here's a very skeletal timeline of what we dealt with...

9/7/07

1:30am: We found out Stephen died by phone.

3:00am: An organ harvester called to do an interview with my mom about Stephen's medical, sexual, drug usage, and physical history.

5:00am: We bought plane tickets, showered, and packed.

10:00am: We got on a plane

3:00pm: We got a rental car and drove to the hospital

5:00pm: We talked with the medical examiner and viewed Stephen's body

9:00pm: We arrived at Stephen's friends' home and had a bite to eat and went through his room and made an appointment for the next day with the funeral home. We chose the outfit he would wear for his viewing.

9/8/07

11:00am: We met with the funeral home and made the arrangements. I wrote his obituary. We decided to have a viewing and a Celebration of Stephen's life and then have him cremated. We hope that's what he wanted, although we're fairly certain it is.

9/9/07

We met my dad in town and rode over to the funeral home together. This was the first time my dad, step-mother, youngest brother and step-sister had seen him dead. I went in first to make sure he looked the way we wanted. I didn't want him to look "made up," with lots of makeup.

We went to eat then came back for the service.

9/10/07

We came back home to Florida

A week later:

We hired a probate attorney in our town and got my mom named Stephen's legal representative. Since Stephen didn't have a will, we had to name someone his P.R. to make any decisions on his behalf.

She has to:

* file his taxes
* get his motorcycle paid off
* close any open accounts he may have had
etc

We also have to:

* follow up with investigators
* file a law-suit if they defendant doesn't return the paperwork on time
* follow up with the medical examiner's office to get toxicology results
* try to get his personal effects out of a motorcycle that is destroyed and in an impound lot
* follow up with the state's attorney about any court dates

We didn't even get the tox results for 3 months and that's because I tracked them down myself instead of waiting for someone to call me. I'd probably still be waiting to hear from someone now if I hadn't taken the initiative!

It is a lot of work and dealing with the legal system as well can be overwhelming and very intimidating.

It also can consume your mind and take up your entire day. Thinking about the accident a hundred times a day. Wondering about the offender, who they are, how they're feeling. Trying to stay busy so you won't think about it.

It's also a full-body physical reaction. Sometimes you can't breathe deeply. Sometimes you just want to cry, just to cry and get it out, so you can on with your day. Sometimes your stomach hurts so bad from not breathing, you just want to ball up and wrap up tight. Sometimes you can't even swallow, because you're paralyzed with emotions bigger than you've ever felt before.

For anyone going through this, I feel your pain. I am so quick to cry and feel sorry for anyone when I hear they've lost a loved one. I know what they're feeling and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through this.

I just wanted to share some pictures

2008-03-11T12:23:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures of Stephen.

The following two pictures were taken by friends of his in Arizona.

With his friends:

Doing what he loved:

At the Grand Canyon. He loved it there:

The 2nd hardest thing I've ever done

2008-03-11T12:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I faced the daunting task of separating Stephen's ashes into 2 separate containers, so that I could keep some and then send some to Dad. That was so hard to do. I really had to do some deep breathing and psych myself out to do it. I just had to get it over with. The whole time I was scooping his ashes, I was apologizing to him, saying, "Stephen, I'm so sorry if you don't want to be split up. Please forgive me if I'm not doing the right thing."

It wouldn't have been so hard if there weren't fragments in the ashes, like bone or teeth or something. They're not like cigarette ashes or the ashes left after a bonfire. They're brittle and coarse, made up of crushed bone, almost.

The day I received his ashes in the mail from his best friend Casey, I held the box in my lap and just cried. I was thinking, the last time I held my brother, he was cold and laying on a gurney. I hugged him, wishing he'd be warm and be able to hug me back. I didn't know the next time I held him, he would be inside a box that would fit in my lap. It was a surreal experience.

Below is the bag of ashes. I used a DVD case as a reference so you can see the size of the bag and the amount of ashes.

A blog about Stephen

2008-03-07T02:37:00.000-05:00

My new friend Kimmy posted a blog about Stephen and my family on her blog at Griffensgift.com:

Stephen

Last night I was happy to receive a phone call from a young woman in Florida. When I answered she told me she had just read everyone of my blogs and wanted me to know that she lost her brother. She said it angered her how Griffen had been treated. She was very supportive and encouraging. I was grateful for her call.

Her brother Stephen was on a motorcycle driving home when a 20 year old girl who was drunk pulled out in front of him and killed him. I knew her pain and hope that I was able to somehow let her know she is not alone.

Stephen just like Griffen had his whole life ahead of him. He had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes and like Griffen I am sure had no idea that his life would end so prematurely.

It wasn't long before I received an email from her dad. He said:

In our minds, the underage drinker is the symptom; the root of the problem is the person providing the drink. Nothing will change if these people are not stopped. The driver in our case was just the person who "pulled the trigger". The person providing the alcohol "loaded the gun". Something has to be done there we need to look at where these young people are getting their alcohol
He is right. I met with some law officers today whom I believe agreed with me that the penalty is not enough for providing alcohol to minors resulting in a death. Who on earth would really be scared of a fine and maybe 30 days in jail? We need the law that other states have. It should be a Felony and up to 5 years in prison. I believe these people would think more seriously if they could face charges like that.

The person who gave the 20 year old alcohol who then killed Stephen is just as guilty as the 20 year old herself. I believe the 20 year old is facing felony DUI charges. The person who provided her with alcohol and indirectly caused the death of another human being is walking away.

I have been thinking a lot about this. In SC and even the rest of the nation there are those who get up in arms over abortion. Our lawmakers were recently pondering making a woman watch a video of her unborn child before she had an abortion hoping to save a life. I have seen signs on Woodruff Road of protesters calling women who make that choice "murderers".

I find it interesting that so many are caught up in getting kids here and yet we don't protect them when they get older. (I am getting off subject here but a lot of times we don't protect them when they are young either.)

I wonder why more in our state are not just as concerned with the deaths of our youth which is going on at an increasing and alarming rate due to underage drinking? Stephen, two youths from Greenwood, the kids from the Ocean Isle fire(except Lauren Mahon who had no alcohol in her system), Benjamin Sprague, Griffen, all would have stood a much better chance of being here if we showed we valued the lives of our youth with stricter penalties and education.

Families like Stephens would not be facing never seeing their loved ones again if SC took to task punishing those who provide alcohol to minors resulting in their deaths with more than just a slap on the wrist. After Griffen's death I spoke at length with House of Representatives member Adam Taylor. He and I went to high school together. He said and I agree that the current penalty is an insult to those who are left behind.

On March 31 there is a hearing for Andrew C. Argo I encourage all of you out there who think this is a travesty to come to Lexington and stand with our family showing Judge Rebecca Adams and everyone there that we truly do value our young people and that making choices which help cost a life is worth more than just a fine.

Someone you should know about

2008-03-05T00:04:00.000-05:00

I made a new friend tonight. Too bad it's not under better circumstances. I spoke with a woman, after reading her entire blog, who lost her brother in May 2007. His name was Griffen Lollis. You can see his website here: http://www.griffensgift.com/about.php

Griffen was 20 years old. He drank so much one night, he passed out. His "friends" removed his clothing and drew obscenities all over him with a permanent marker. They plucked his eyebrows and drew new ones on. Griffen was left to die on the side of the road. He woke up and saw the "tattoos" and tried to wash them off. He was angered and shamed. His last minutes of life we spent in shame. Griffen was a shy boy who stuttered and spent most of his childhood being ridiculed by his peers.

I feel for his sister. She is currently trying to change South Carolina laws so that the people who gave Griffen the alcohol will face a harsher penalty. Currently, transferring alcohol to a minor carries a punishment of 30 days in jail and a fine. People who are cruel to animals get harsher penalties than that! Kimberly is speaking at public forums, including Senate, to try to bring attention to this fact. She admits her brother's fault and is not a hypocrite. She just feels Griffen was punished for his actions. Shouldn't the other people involved be punished as well?

Please take a few moments to visit Griffens website and "meet" this young man.

Thank you all for still being here. I have big news, but I don't want to jinx it. But as soon as I have a definite answer for you, I will post, I promise!

Stephen's still touching lives

2008-02-27T02:25:00.002-05:00

There have been some major developments in my life right now. Very big things happening for me and my family!

On Friday, I received a call from Lt. Burroughs of the Florida Highway Patrol. He wants me to do a presentation about drunk driving at a Town Hall Meeting, alongside Sen. Oelrich, who lost a son in a drunk driving accident during Spring Break. Can you believe it? The Town Hall meetings are basically a forum with a panel of experts. I'm going to be presenting a video about Stephen and his accident and also (probably) will be doing a PowerPoint Presentation about underage drinking and the adverse effects of alcohol on the body.

Here is the link to a draft of the video I will be showing. It's different than the memorial video that was made by his friends. I've already made some changes to it since I uploaded it, but you'll be able to get the gist of it:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7013185215503834182

I am so excited!!! Ever since Stephen died, my family has been searching for a reason for why this had to happen. We want for Stephen's death to have not been in vain. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this to come along! If I can use Stephen's death to save just one life, it will have not been for nothing.

Another big thing to happen today...Lt. Burroughs is thinking of filming the entire presentation and producing DVDs to be available state-wide for high schools and other community efforts. Can you believe it? We've got an amazing ball rolling and it's growing into something BIG! I can't wait!

Anyway, the date and time and other info is below, for any of my local friends who want to attend:

Fort White Town Hall Meeting
Fort White High School Gymnasium
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Refreshments, 5:30pm
Program begins at 7:00pm
I hope you'll attend if you can. It's going to be a big jumping-off point for something much, much bigger!

Stephen on MyDeathSpace.com

2007-12-31T13:00:00.000-05:00

I've gotten 3 messages from strangers lately sending condolences and when I asked one of them how they found out about Stephen, they said his myspace profile was posted on MyDeathSpace.com, a website where they list the myspace pages that memorialize people.

I am so glad Stephen's story is making the rounds. We have a lot of people in so many states and countries learning about what a great person Stephen was and what drunk driving does to families. My two wishes are that:

1. People will learn that drunk driving is sooooo avoidable and can have repercussions too numerous to count. DON'T DO IT!!!

and

2. For any families and loved ones going through the death of a young person in their life, whether it be due to drunk driving or any other sudden, tragic cause, I hope that my blogging and messages from Stephen's friends can be a source of comfort and education. Along this whole journey, my main questions have been, "why?", and "what's the next step?" Stephen's death wasn't just going through the tragic loss, but also learning a lot about the legal system. I've been through this with my parents every step of the way, and if I can just help one person know who to contact or how to follow up and not let their loved one die in vain, that would be a lot for me.

So...who posted Stephen's Myspace on MyDeathSpace.com? Just curious...it may not have been any of his friends, just someone who came across it. It was posted on December 29. Here's the link:

Stephen on MyDeathSpace.com

And to look at more Myspace profiles for people who have passed away, scroll up to the top of Stephen's page there and click on latest articles. It will give you a list. It's so sad how many families are grieving.

Thanks for still being there, all of you.

A message from Stephen?

2007-12-23T12:14:00.000-05:00

So I was cleaning the living room and came across a magazine that came in the mail that I hadn't opened yet. It was wrapped in plastic and I noticed there was a poster with it. I opened the poster up and it was an ad for the Nikon D3 camera. It was taken at the Brainerd International Speedway.

I thought, "Stephen would love this poster."

Then I noticed all the bikes had numbers on them. I said to Bill, "Wouldn't that be wierd if one of them had the number 7 on it?" And I noticed, the teeny one in the background WAS number 7.

Then I noticed the helmets...all ARAI helmets, the same brand Stephen wore. Is that a coincidence or what?

I am getting little messages like this more and more and I definitely feel Stephen is still with me. I was really having a hard time, the closer it got to Christmas, so this poster just made my day.

I'll put the poster below, and I've inset the helmet and the bike number, zoomed in, into the picture.

And Stephen's helmet. His had stickers on it, too, but this is a stock photo of his helmet.

Greater news...

2007-12-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

We had a meeting with our attorney this morning, and we finally got an answer we've been waiting for...the driver's toxicology results. The female who hit Stephen had blood and urine samples taken and tested.

I was strongly encouraged NOT to give you the EXACT number of her Blood Alcohol Content, but I will tell you that it was over the legal limit and there is absoutely no way she will be able to "wriggle" out of this situation. It was high enough that she will be prosecuted to the fullest extent. I will also tell you that once I am able to tell you, you absolutely WILL NOT believe it when you hear it...it's that unbelieveable!

We're one step closer to justice...!

The picture says a lot...

2007-12-11T09:03:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken on July 4th, 2007. I haven't seen it before today. I was looking at my camera and Stephen was watching the kids play. Those shorts are the ones we chose for the viewing, and now that I've seen the picture and found that he liked wearing them, I think we made the right choice.

Beautiful way to explain death

2007-12-10T22:01:00.000-05:00

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT...

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door. On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough."

May today there be peace within you.
May you trust God that you are exactly
Where you are meant to be.
I believe that friends are quiet angels
Who lift us to our feet when our wings
Have trouble remembering how to fly.

3 months today...

2007-12-07T11:49:00.000-05:00

It has been 3 months today, Stephen. I can't believe we made it this long without you. The day I saw you in the morgue, I thought I wouldn't be able to make it one day, let alone 3 months.

I miss you so bad. But your death was not in vain. You have touched people all over the world through your death, and so many people have gotten to see first-hand what drunk driving does to families. We are so proud of you that you had no drugs in your system and that you weren't drunk. That makes us so proud.

We're going to court in less than 2 weeks and we can't wait to finally have some more answers.

We love you more than words can say and you are deeply, terribly missed. I hope you're smiling down on us and you are proud of what we're doing for you. I hope we've done everything you would have wanted us to do for you. I love you, little brother.

The preliminary hearing has been scheduled

2007-12-05T17:58:00.000-05:00

We got the call today! The preliminary hearing has been scheduled! This is the hearing where the evidence will be presented and Chrissie will enter her plea. Let's hope she pleads guilty and makes this be over as soon as possible.

We're being told it could be a year before the actual trial begins. After the prelim. hearing, it goes before the Grand Jury, and that's a close courtroom. So none of us will be allowed in. Then we have the trial. Who knows how long that will be?

The preliminary hearing will be in 2 weeks; on Wednesday, December 19 at 9:00am at the Greenville County Court House. If you can make it over there, it would be nice to have people there for Stephen since none of his family can make it. We won't be able to be there, but our attorney is filing a motion for us to listen in by phone, sort of like a teleconference.

If you think you'll go over to the hearing, let me know...

Thanks!

Finally some great news!!!

2007-12-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

So, on Friday, it will have been 3 months since Stephen died and we still don't have any answers. We still don't know all the details of the accident. We still don't know the defendant's blood alcohol level. We're still waiting.

But I got great news today. Stephen's toxicology results came in. And it's good...really good. Stephen had no drugs in his system and his BAC was .05, which means he wasn't intoxicated. If given the chance to react and make a split-second decision to avoid the accident, he wouldn't have been too impaired to do so.

Our family is so happy and relieved to know that Stephen was IN NO WAY at fault for the accident. He IN NO WAY contributed to the accident. Just knowing that has taken such a huge weight off our shoulders.

Thanks so much for caring about Stephen and keeping in touch with me. We're getting by one-day-at-a-time. It's a very hard thing to go through and it's still really hard to believe it's real. I mean...it seems like he was just here with us.

We talk about him in our household EVERY DAY. There's no way my kids will be able to forget Uncle Steve. I've been worried that my youngest son, who was 2 when Stephen died, would forget him. But we keep Stephen alive in our house and make sure he's never forgotten.

The Number 7 and Jimmie Johnson

2007-11-19T00:39:00.000-05:00

So, those of you closest to Stephen know that he LOVED Jimmie Johnson, the Nascar driver. Every time Jimmie won, Stephen would call my husband Bill, who is a Dale Jr fan and rub it in his face! Anyway, tonight Jimmie Johnson won the Nascar Championship by 77 points, and finished tonight's race in 7th place.

Now, the number 7 has some strange relationship with Stephen. We can't quite explain it, but it just keeps popping up all around. Here's a list...

** Stephen's dirt bike has the 7 on it's front. We have a picture of Stephen as a baby on a motorcycle ride at Chuck E. Cheese and the bike has the 7 on the front. This was a total coincidence! (See below.)

** Stephen died on September 7th on Hwy 276.

** Stephen's favorite football player was Michael Vick, who is #7.

** Stephen's birthday is in July, which is the 7th month.

Do any of you have anything that you can think of? Anything that sticks out in your mind that includes the number 7?

2 months today...

2007-11-07T03:08:00.000-05:00

Today is the 2-month anniversary of Stephen's death. Please take a moment to think of Stephen and go light a candle for him at

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=DiPat

He is so missed and so loved.

I can't believe it's already been 2 months. A part of me still doesn't believe it's real. It really hurts and it so difficult to think that my kids have to grow up without their Uncle Steve and that I will NEVER get to be an Aunt to children he may have had in the future or a Sister-in-Law to a future wife.

I miss everything about him. I miss his laugh, I miss his pranks, I miss his hugs, I miss his calls, I miss getting mad at him and frustrated at him, I miss being bossy, which he hated so much ever since he was a little kid. I miss him sleeping on my couch. I miss having to tell Trey and Stephen to settle down before someone gets hurt. I miss him giving Makinsey extra attention so she didn't feel left out. I miss him getting to see movies before me and then him telling me all about them and that he's seen it already 3 times. I miss him calling to brag every time Jimmie Johnson won a race. I miss him calling me Nee-cole instead of Nih-cole. I miss his silly little videos he sent me from his phone. I miss his stories. I miss reminiscing about the past and laughing about it. I MISS HIM. Period.

Stephen, I love you and miss you more than I can ever say. I want you back with us. I want you here. And I know that's selfish because you had a hard life and suffered a lot. I know I'll see you again.

Your big sister,

Nicole

The girl who hit Stephen with her car

2007-10-14T12:14:00.000-04:00

I have pictures of the girl who hit Stephen with her car. For now, until she's convicted, I have to refer to her as the ALLEGED drunk driver, since we're still waiting on her tox results to come in. It has been 5 weeks since the accident. We have a prosecutor assigned to the case and now we're just waiting on a preliminary hearing to be scheduled. We're told it could be as long as 6 months from now, and even that's considered "quick." So it could be longer. The waiting is the hardest part. I can't wait to go to court and see how this all plays out. I will be there every time. I will let everyone know the court dates if you all want to go.

I'm not going to write the girl's name, but you can at least see what she looks like. I'm not going to say anything about her. I don't want to hurt the case at all. I may even be pushing it a little by even posting this blog. But if any of you are like me, you need a face to put with the action. I can say that she is only 20 years old...barely 20. She turned 20 just about 2 weeks before the accident.

Roadside Memorial

2007-10-08T00:30:00.002-04:00

Stephen's friends in North and South Carolina held a roadside memorial today on the 1-month anniversary of his death. It was really nice. They did a balloon send-off, where they wrote messages on cards tied to balloons and let them go. They put a cross at the side of the road where the accident happened. The cross is hollow, so the boys put some of Stephen's ashes inside. They planted flowers around his cross.

And some videos from today:

The balloon lift-off

If you watch this video, about 17 seconds into it, you get to see from the driver's point of view, what she would have seen, sitting exactly where her car was sitting about to come out and turn left. Stephen was coming from her left around that curve in the distance.

Stephen's amazing friends

2007-09-23T03:22:00.000-04:00

If I could send you each a thank you card, I would. I can't begin to express how thankful I am for all of you. Your support, words of encouragement, offers of help, and kind words about Stephen have made this entire ordeal manageable. I don't really know how we'd get through if we didn't have all of you. It's so nice to know that Stephen was so loved.

My mom and I were talking about this today. I never knew of anyone who met Stephen and didn't like him. People were just automatically drawn to him. He was infectious. You could not help but love him. I don't even know of any fights he was ever in. It's like everyone he met instantly became his friend. It's so nice to be able to say that about him. It makes me so proud to be his sister and it's such a testament to the way he was raised. My parents can be assured that they had one hell of a son.

Stephen touched so many people. And I am happy to have met a lot of you at the service. Like I said there, if you were friends of Stephen's, you must be spectacular people.

Thanks so much for being there for us in this difficult time. We miss him so much, as I'm sure you all do too.

Please tell others about his memorial site. We really want to educate people about the effects of under-age drunk driving, especially the effects it has on the family of the victims. Please pass it along to all the people in your address book and post a bulletin.

His website is www.geocities.com/lcmom01/stephen.html.

And don't forget to sign the guestbook.

Please if you're going to drink, please have a designated driver, or take a cab. Please don't put anyone else through this pain.

Nicole and Family

3 Motorcyclists killed in 4 days in SC

2007-09-12T11:06:00.000-04:00

GREENVILLE, S.C. -- For the third time in four days, a motorcyclist has been killed in a wreck.

The most recent fatal wreck happened on Pelham Road at about 1 a.m. Monday.

A passerby found the motorcyclist lying in the road. He was taken to the hospital, where he died.

The victim has been identified as 24-year-old Patrick O'Connell of Tigerville. Greenville County Chief Deputy Coroner Mike Ellis said O'Connell was not wearing a helmet. He hit a curb and fell off the bike. He died of head injuries.

Over the weekend, another motorcyclist was killed on Piedmont Highway when he was struck by two cars.

And last week, a Brevard man [STEPHEN] who was riding north on Geer Highway was killed when a vehicle pulled into his path. He was wearing a helmet, but it wasn't enough to save his life. There is no helmet law in South Carolina.

Willi Johnk, the GM of Power Sports of Greenville more and more motorcycle riders are on the roads these days and that the other drivers should be more mindful of them.

Johnk said, "I've seen them read papers, drinking coffee, tlking on the cell phone. Everyone's always talking on the cell phone. It diverts their attention."

He said naturally, it's much harder to see a motorcycle because of its small size, and the speed can be somewhat deceiving.

He said one of the way bikers are making themselves more visible on the roads is with bright colors -- experts say red and yellow are best.

Johnk said he tells all motorcycle riders to always be on the defense, plan ahead and never assume.

He said, "Another thing that motorcycle riders need to do is stay to the left of the lane so that drivers can look in the rear view mirror and see us behind them."

And motorists should check -- and double check -- to make sure that a bike is not in a blind spot.

Copyright 2007 by WYFF4.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

The Next Step

2007-09-10T11:26:00.000-04:00

If anyone wants to know what we're doing with Stephen's body...

Stephen will be cremated today. His friends Casey, Corey and Clayton are going to spread his ashes in their favorite places. Places Stephen would want to be forever. It is the hardest thing to leave him behind. But we'll make it. We have too.

Funeral Service Info

2007-09-09T12:01:00.000-04:00

Stephen's service, his Celebration of Life, will be at 3:00pm today (Sunday) at Moody-Connolly Funeral Home in Brevard, NC. It's on Caldwell Street.

Everyone is welcome.

Stephen's Death: What happened

2007-09-08T17:40:00.000-04:00

It's Nicole, Stephen's sister. I'll be maintaining his page because just don't think we should stop sending him messages and talking about him since he can't be here with us anymore. I want anyone to come here and say what they want him to know. It can be a place of healing and bonding. Stephen was so loved and it's so apparent on his page.

Now onto the reason I wrote this bulletin:

Make sure you want to read this before you scroll down...It has pretty graphic details, but I'm going to just say it all so I don't have to tell it 100 times at the service...the papers don't tell you everything. Mom and I have SEEN Stephen. We have read the reports, spoken to the coroner, spoken with the lead investigator. We have the details and I am just going to be frank and put it all out there. No offense meant, but if you don't want to know, then just don't read it. I'm putting this here for anyone who NEEDS or wants to know.

So here goes...

On Thursday, September 6, 2007 Stephen reconnected with a friend from 8th grade who was his best friend in Largo, FL. He was heartbroken when she moved away. She found him on myspace and they made plans to reunite. She now lives in Greenville, SC. He went over and spent the day with her, talking, reminiscing, laughing, dining. About 11:30, Stephen left to go home in Brevard and planned to return to Greenville on the next night to spend time with her again.

I originally gave y'all the wrong highway number. It was HWY 276. He was travelling on 276 to head back to Brevard and the road became a 2-lane road. There is a neighborhood there and a road that leads out of the neighborhood and intersects with 276. A 20-year-old girl, who is a college student and lifeguard, was intoxicated and pulled her Jeep out into the road right in front of his motorcycle. He smashed into her driver door, and the impact was so great that he broker her window and caved in the entire door about a foot inward. His throat hit the roof of the car and he was essentially "clothes-lined". It instantly snapped his trachea/windpipe and broke his spinal cord, severing communication from his brain to his heart and lungs. He had collapsed lungs, a broken arm, a broken windpipe and neck, among other injuries, but he died instantly, so he felt no pain.

The girl was arrested, surrendured blood and urine samples and we are awaiting tox results to see if she was over the legal limit of .08. Right now she is in jail and being charged with Felony DUI, which carries a maximum sentence of 30 years. But it could be 6 months. It all depends. There will be a trial, it will probably drag on for a long time. it probably may not even begin for at least a year. But we will be here.

We saw Stephen's body. He loked so peaceful. He had his eyes slightly open and he HAD A SMILE ON HIS FACE. He looked like he was just laying there watching TV or something. He just didn't look dead. We got to hug him and kiss him and tell him we love him. My mom, of course, begged him to wake up. We said goodbye.

We have an appointment with the funeral home at 2:00 today. We'll be holding a service for him on Sunday. We'll let you know the exact time. It won't be a funeral though. It's going to be a celebration of his life.