My constant reminder

Life is going great. I realize I don't blog like I use to. I think about people that have contacted me that read my blog and may be wanting updates. I started this blog as an online journal, a way to journal my feelings and my journey but to do it publicly so that others could see they're not alone in their feelings.

My family keeps me going. My kids keep us busy. I spend a lot of time with my mom. If I was alone, I don't know that I'd be where I am now.

My sons remind me so much of Stephen. It's nice to have that reminder. Although, my oldest son has all of the traits of Stephen that irritated me the most! But it's still nice to be reminded of him.

Here is a picture of Stephen on the left and my son Trey on the right. Do you see the resemblance like I do?

I think the resemblance is uncanny. Anyway, time still moves really weird for me. Time goes by and doesn't seem like it's been as long as it has. My mom has been able to quit going to Grief Share. That's a good sign for her. She is so strong. My dad and step-mom still do presentations and do a lot with MADD. They are such inspirations. Stephen would be so proud.

I miss him, but it has gotten easier. It really feels like it hasn't been that long since I have talked to him. I remember it like yesterday. I know I will see him again and that makes me happy.

God is Incredible

My family has come a long way in the last 6 years. We've had to learn a new way to live life without Stephen and find a new "normal." My son Trey is so much like Stephen it almost makes me believe in spirit possession. My son Jacob has a lot of Stephen's traits, also. When my dad came to visit, he was weepy a lot of the day just looking at Trey and thinking how bizarre it was that he was so much like Stephen. We stay busy. We have a tight schedule. But we do things together. Family is so important. We know all-too-well how quickly someone could be gone.

This is a picture from Mother's Day 2013. It's my mom, me and the kids.

Left-to-right: Trey, my mom Sheila, Jacob, Me and Makinsey

That first day when IT happened, my mom and I traveled to South Carolina and didn't think we'd make it a day without Stephen. But here we are, 6 years later, with smiles on our faces. God is incredible, is all I can say. God is good, ALL the time.

This song by Plumb really got me through, and it still makes me emotional when I hear it.

"I Killed a Man."

This is the video that was shared on YouTube that my Dad responded to in the media. This man killed a 61-year-old Navy Vet because he was driving drunk, the wrong way, on an interstate. He took full responsibility for his actions and it pleading with people not to drink and drive. It's a campaign called #saveyourvictim.

The under-age drunk driver to killed my brother also took responsibility for her actions, even going to far as to travel to Florida from South Carolina, without her attorney, to meet my family and answer any questions we had about the night Stephen died. She also stood up in court and admitted what she did and apologized. But she shouldn't have had to do that. She shouldn't have driven drunk in the first place, then she wouldn't have anything to be punished for, or guilt to live with for the rest of her life. Please spread this word to others. Drinking and driving is not worth it.

Don't drink and drive.

Six Years Today...

Today marks the 6th anniversary of Stephen's death. I am ok. My mom said the other day that she has always had problems dealing with "hard stuff." I told her she survived the death of a child and she's living her life still. So many other things could have gone wrong if she had chosen to deal with it differently.

My dad and step-mom chose to fight drunk driving. My dad was featured on his local FOX News affiliate last night.


FOX 10 News - Phoenix, AZ | KSAZ-TV

The sentence wasn't correctly reported but the story is still important.

Offender Update...

For those of you who have followed the case from the start, here's an update: The drunk driver who killed my brother (I'll just call her "the offender" for this post) has been on Home Incarceration for the last (almost) 3 years. Her sentence was 1 year in prison and 3 years HIP. Earlier this week my dad got a phone call that the offender could not be located by her equipment (ankle monitor) and was feared to have violated. A little while later, my dad got another call that "it's ok, she's been home all along and that the equipment had malfunctioned." That day, I called the Greenville, SC Department of Probation, Parole and Pardon Services. I spoke to a woman about the offender. I could not locate the offender on any online searches and I was trying to find out how long she had left on her sentence. A couple days go by and I finally get a call back today. The offender finished HIP yesterday and will be reporting to Dept of PPP on Monday to do 2 years community supervision. I will get a call next week explaining the parameters of her probation. I know she still has to pay my dad back for the funeral. She has only paid $100 over the last 2 years. I wish she'd go ahead and get it paid. Every time my dad gets a check, it'll be a reminder of Stephen's death. I also know she has to do 300 hours of community service. I really hope she'll use that time to do some good...maybe speak about what she did, the dangers of drunk driving, drinking under age, etc. I would also really like to hear from her. I'd like to know where her head is at right now. Strangely, I'd like to know how she's doing.

God is real and He's helping my parents make a difference!

I cannot believe I haven't posted in over a year. I go back and read my past entries from time-to-time and none of it seems familiar, like it was written by a total stranger. That just goes to show what type of fog you're put in when you suffer a sudden tragic loss. About a year after Stephen died, I started the job I currently hold and, thinking back, I don't even remember my first year there. That was only 4 years ago. I remember being there, and classrooms I worked in but I don't remember what I did with my time between those classes: whom I spoke to or socialized with, arriving and leaving...all of that is a complete blur. I feel like I was in shock--correction: I know I was in shock. I was in so much pain that God didn't allow me to feel or know what was going on. I was on auto-pilot. God was in complete control. But I know what I do remember: stress, anxiety, worry, uncertainty about the future, and certainty that I would never see my brother again on this earth.

I do remember the blog entry I wrote about casting my cares upon the Lord. When we were awaiting the trial against the drunk driver who took my brother's life, I remember it being such a draining time in my life. I remember obsessing and waiting and court never coming. I knew that I couldn't live with life in the balance like that. I knew whatever was going to happen was in God's hands and there was nothing I could do to control the outcome. I remember praying to God to take that concern and worry from me and immediately, it was gone. I have never before, nor since, felt a prayer be immediately answered. But once was all I needed to prove to me what I had always believed: God is real. God is in control. God wants what is best for us. God wants us to be happy. God did that for me. Little ol' me. And He did it with such a quickness because He knew my heart. He knew it was best and that He had given me all I could handle and all I had to do was cry out to Him and he lifted that weight. He has given my family a new "normal." He has allowed my mother to live every day free from debilitating grief. He has given my father and step-mother the ability to make huge differences in people's lives.

I want to talk about what my dad Mike and step-mom Linda have chosen to do with their grief after losing Stephen. I am so proud of them and all they have done to make people aware of what alcohol and drunk driving does to families and victims. Stephen was a victim of a drunk driver. We had an amazing advocate from Mother's Against Drunk Driving (MADD) named Wendy. She was able to act on behalf of my family in South Carolina, since none of us lived there. She put together a roadside memorial, went with us to court, made us aware that there is a Victims' Bill of Rights (which we had no prior knowledge of), among many other things.

Dad and Linda chose to become Certified Victim Advocates, so that they could help others who had been through the same thing we had. Since 2009, they have gone to court and provided support with victims and families 30 times, participated in 40 DUI Deployments, visited 25 schools, given 4 military presentations, presented at 36 Victim Impact Panels in Glendale, AZ to a mandated audience of about 200 DUI offenders at each presentation. They have also volunteered their time to provide support in other ways, such as Candlelight Vigils, Walk Like MADD events, facilitating support groups, which all totals about 25 different events. In 2010, they traveled to Washington, D.C. for MADD's 30-year anniversary and trained during that time to learn to conduct a program for MADD called "Power of Parents." They also visited Congressional and Senate members from Arizona to push for passage of some laws that would help prevent drunk driving. In 2012, they went to Texas for Advanced Victim Advocate Training. I am so proud of them and all they have done to help make it so people don't go through what we went through.

Here are some pictures of my Dad and Linda in action: In Washington, D.C. 



With our wonderful Victim Advocate Wendy in D.C.: 



Stephen's picture on the Memory Board (he is second from the left on the bottom): 



At Grand Canyon University, giving a presentation: 



At the MADD Law Enforcement Banquet: 

Helping People

I haven't posted since February, soooo...almost a year. That's unreal. I started this blog so that I could journal my feelings and what I was going through after Stephen died. I wanted to do it online so that others who were going through the same things could read it and find comfort in knowing they weren't alone. Today I received a very nice comment from a woman named Lisa. It's nice to know that people are reading it and feeling like there's someone out there feeling the same things.

Surprisingly, I am doing ok. When Stephen died, I just knew we had to take it days at-a-time, then that turned into weeks, then into months, and then now it has been 4 years plus. I can't believe how long it has been and we have all "made it." There are times when I think, "This is getting old already. I just want to hear his voice." Or I am so aggravated that he's not here when he very well should be. I am even more annoyed that the offender has not tried to contact me. I want to know what she's doing to try and make up for his loss (although she never really could.)

There are times very often that I wish Stephen was here to do things with the kids. He would love to go watch Trey QB during a football game. He would have been so proud of Makinsey when she became Student Council Vice-President last year and made Honors Choir. He would have loved to go watch Jake play catcher during his All-Star Baseball tournament. My kids are missing out on an awesome uncle who would have cherished them and their accomplishments.

People don't think ahead to the future when they choose to drink and drive. They don't think about the ramifications of their selfish choices.

If you read this blog and it helps you, I am so glad. I love to hear people's comments. It makes me happy to know people have found it helpful.

My dad on the news in Arizona

My dad was featured in a news story about tying red ribbons on for MADD. The Ambulance Service was tying them on to call attention to drunk driving.

The news story called my dad Mike "Dipatric." They got his last name wrong. It's "DiPatri."

I am so proud of my dad and step-mom and all their hard work with MADD. Stephen would be so proud!!!

Southwest Ambulance and M.A.D.D. Team Up to Prevent Drunk Driving

Southwest Ambulance and M.A.D.D. Team Up to Prevent Drunk Driving: MyFoxPHOENIX.com

A Christmas Message

So today I had a little Christmas "miracle." My dad has this picture that's his favorite and he uses it every time he does a presentation. Here's the picture:

He says, "Look at Stephen in the back. Look at his face. He has his arms stretched around Frank and Nicole and it's like he's saying 'This is my brother and sister. I'm so proud of them and I'm watching over them.'"

So anyway, I was going through old CDs of saved pictures to find all our past Christmas pictures so I could make a slideshow, and I came across a picture that I never knew existed. It's the same picture as above except for one difference: my dad is in the picture.



It's almost like Stephen's acknowledging Dad and all he's been doing in Stephen's name. Dad and Linda have worked tirelessly trying to stop underage drinking and driving under the influence. They've spent every year since Stephen died, working with MADD. They even went to Washington D.C. for the MADD National Conference. I guess I never used this picture because it was so dark. I guess the flash never went off. But when I showed it to Dad, he and I both said we didn't remember taking one with him in it. He just kept saying, "I don't believe it." He really feels it's a little acknowledgement and Stephen's way of letting him know that he's proud of Dad and he's looking out for Dad too, not just Frank and me.

Merry Christmas!!!

Running out of chances...

I saw a sign yesterday that immediately reminded me of Stephen:

"The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them."

I thought about Stephen and how much of a risk-taker he was. How many chances he had in life. All the times he didn't want to live. How many dares he took from his friends. How many things he did to be funny and get a thrill. All the accidents he was in. All the broken bones he had in his lifetime. Even as a kid, Stephen wandered around like he was looking for an injury and he always found one.

Then I thought about the night he died. How that night he had said, "I'm finally happy. I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." He wasn't speeding. He wasn't riding like a daredevil. He wasn't impaired. He was doing everything right. And that's when he died. He quit taking chances, and he ran out of them. How fair is that? How fair is it that all those times he could have died, he didn't? Then when he did die, it wasn't his fault. Hmmm....

When will I be healed?

Last Sunday, our sermon was about the woman who had suffered for 12 years and wanted just to touch Jesus' robes to be healed. Here is the passage:

Mark 5:24-34

25 -29A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, "If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well." The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with.
30At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?"
31His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, 'Who touched me?' Dozens have touched you!"
32 -33But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story.
34Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague."

And it got me thinking...

This woman suffered for 12 years, had exhausted every other option (doctors, medicine, etc) and she thought, if I can just get to Jesus...even if I can only touch His robes...He can help me! She fought the crowd. She stumbled, squeezed, crawled, and climbed through the crowd and finally made her way to Him. She was determined to get to Him and be healed. She touched His robes and immediately her bleeding stopped and she was healed. Her suffering was over! Going to Jesus was all it took.

I started thinking, I wish suffering the loss of a loved one was as easy to be healed of. I have prayed and have been so determined, but it's not a physical ailment that can just be cured. It's an emotional devastation that isn't so easily healed. Jesus has healed me enough. I can physically feel my answered prayer. I am able to get through the day-to-day. He has made it easier to LIVE.

But I won't ever be completely healed. Not while I'm here on Earth. I won't be completely healed until I get to Heaven, meet God face-to-face, and see my brother again. But Jesus has answered my prayers and has made be able to live, day-to-day, free of complete, debilitating pain. And I am thankful for that. I just have to stay determined, thankful, and keep coming to Jesus for healing.

Whatcha gonna do about it?

So, I just happened to stumble across an amazing story that I saw in the comments section of the heartbreaking story I posted before. His name is Matt Maher. He was your average all-American guy who had everything going for him, who chose to drink and drive and killed a father of six. He is now in prison for 5.5 years. Before he went to prison, he created a presentation called "I'm That Guy." Nobody ever thinks they're going to be "that guy," that they're invincible. But he became him. Yet, he lived every day thinking, What can I do to even begin to try and make up for it? He knows there's no way he can ever make up for it, but he can try to live his life to honor Hort Kap and his family.

I became fascinated with Matt Maher's website and his blog, which he writes from prison. I began corresponding with Matt's mother.

All of this got me thinking, what's Chrissie doing? She has not reached out to us since her sentencing. Before the sentencing, she sent me a card. She came to meet us (in person) without her attorney, to tell us how sorry she was and how she never went a day without thinking about Stephen or us. Yet, since the sentencing, I haven't heard a thing about her. She told us in person that she wants to work with MADD, she wants to talk to kids about what she did. She's supposed to be doing 300 hours of community service. I want to know what she's doing to begin to try to make up for what she did. Yeah, she did less than 1 year in prison. But that's to punish her. My punishment has lasted a lot longer than that. What's she going to do to help us? My dad and step-mom go to schools and speak to kids and young-adults all the time about the dangers of alcohol abuse and driving under the influence. My parents lost a son and they're doing more to make it mean something than the person who took him away has even tried to do.

The last thing I heard about her was when the South Carolina Victims Notification e-system called me and told me she was being released. I know she'll be on house arrest until April 2013. These are all facts that anybody can look up. I want to know what she's doing day-to-day. I want to know what she's doing for her community service. I want to know if she's giving speeches using my brother's name. I'm not trying to be a stalker, I just want to know if she's making good on her word, or if what she told us was just her way of trying to look good in the eyes of the court.

I know that people close to her have read this blog because they mentioned it in court. I hope they're still reading it. I hope she's reading it. Chrissie: If you are reading this, you can contact me. I want you to. I want to know that, since my brother can't live his life anymore, that you're making yours mean something. That you're doing something positive with yours and not just wallowing in self-pity. I want to know that you are trying to discourage people from making the same choices you did. I use every opportunity I have to tell people about what happened to my brother so that hopefully it will stick in someone's mind and when the opportunity presents itself to drink-and-drive or get a ride home, they will remember Stephen and Chrissie and think twice.

I'm not mad. I'm not bitter. I have forgiven her, even before court, I forgave her. I just want to know she's living her life for Stephen's memory and that what she did really affected her. It affected me. I'm suffering. I can't imagine how angry I would be if I knew that she was "over it," "it's in the past." I want her to contact me. Chrissie: I haven't moved. It's still the same address you sent the card to. Let me know how you're doing. Let me know what you're doing. I'm here.

For Matt Maher's story, click HERE.

Four Men Dead at the Hands of Underage Drunk Driver

Photo from Tampa Bay Online

August 3, 2010
Story from: Lauren Russell at CNN

(CNN) -- Roy McConnell and his three sons left their wives and children to go see the film "Predators" in St. Petersburg, Florida, Saturday night. They were enjoying a family reunion with a week at the beach.

Around 4:30 a.m. Sunday morning, Anais McConnell woke up and noticed her husband, Nathan, wasn't lying beside her. She got out of bed and woke up the other women in the house. They waited on the sofa for the men to return, hoping they hadn't been carjacked.

They saw a television report about an accident involving a black car, similar to the one the men drove to the movies, that left four people dead, but they didn't want to consider the possibility that it could be their loved ones.

Anais McConnell said police weren't returning their phone calls. Hours later, authorities showed up on their porch to bring them the news: Their husbands were dead.

Anais McConnell, as well as her sister-in-law and mother-in-law, were widows.

Nathan, 24; his father, 51, and his two brothers, Elroy III, 28, and Kelly, 19, were killed by a drunk driver who ran a red light, police said.

Their widows spoke about their losses during a news conference Tuesday in Orlando, Florida, holding framed photographs of the men. They said they hope that sharing their story will make people think twice before getting behind the wheel after drinking.

"He wanted to teach our son how to play football and how to treat a girl right," said Elroy McConnell's wife, Sandie.

"I know that people will drink and drive, but know that this could have been any of you. I hope and pray that the next time you drink and drive you think about this."

Demetrius Jordan, the driver of the other car, has been charged with four counts of manslaughter while driving under the influence and one count of serious injury while driving under the influence, according to a report from the St. Petersburg Police Department. Jordan, 20, and his passenger, Mario Robinson, also 20, were taken to Bayfront Hospital with serious injuries soon after the midnight accident. The McConnell men were pronounced dead at the scene, according to the report.

Kelly McConnell had celebrated his 19th birthday with his family and girlfriend the day before, a family member said.

As the women described the men's accomplishments and characters, there were some chuckles and many tears. One of the women, debilitated by grief, was carried off in the middle of the news conference.

The reality was still hard to accept, but they didn't want to dwell on why this happened to them, a few said.

"I hope we could work toward forgiveness," said Amy Voelker, Roy McConnell's widow, who also lost her three sons. "We want to honor our guys... it would be tragic to let that young man's decision affect us in a negative way."

Voelker said the family members who stood beside her during the news conference represented only a fraction of the people affected by the men's deaths, and she hoped others could learn from the horror that had befallen her family.

"I'd hate for anyone else to have to bear this type of tragedy," she said.

As the news conference ended, family members placed the men's photographs around a tree, where others could see and remember.


Another article which describes the men in more detail:

Family tearfully remembers 4 killed by suspected drunken driver

Howard Altman of the Tampa Tribune and Jennifer Leigh of News Channel 8

ORLANDO - One by one, the women came to the bank of microphones, alternately crying and fighting back tears, recalling the four men in their lives who died when a driver slammed into their Ford Fusion as they were headed back to a vacation rental from a movie.

The driver of that car, Demetrius Jordan, 20, has been charged with four counts of driving while under the influence, four counts of manslaughter and one count of DUI/great bodily injury. He also was charged with being an underage person in possession of alcohol.

Elroy McConnell II and his adult sons Elroy McConnell III, Kelly McConnell, and Nathan McConnell were killed when their vehicle was hit by the car driven by Jordan, police said.

But the women, surrounded by more than a dozen family and friends, were not there to talk about Jordan. They were there to talk about the men who died.

Rebecca Watson – aunt of crash victim Kelly McConnell - said Kelly's father, Elroy McConnell II, lived life full throttle.

"Roy did everything 1,000 percent," said Watson. "He didn't just coach youth football, he helped start a new league so more kids in this community of East Orlando could play youth football. He didn't just quickly profess his faith, he studied the Bible daily and pored over books and discussed the Bible with anybody who would listen.''

Watson said Elroy McConnell II had the same attitude toward physical fitness, and charity, tithing and helping those less fortunate.

"He surprised people at restaurants by paying for their meals," she said. "He gave cash or food to people who did not have it. A week ago, he took $100 in cash and spent the day trying to find people to help."

McConnell's son, Kelly, turned 19 just days before the wreck, Watson said.

"We celebrated Kelly's 19th birthday on July 30, less than two days before he died," she said. "Nineteen years is a brief amount of time, but somehow Kelly seemed to fill it up to overflowing."

Watson described Kelly as a "tough guy" who loved football.

He played from age 6 to high school, she said.

"Even at 3 he could recognize the NFL team names from football cards," she said.

Kelly also followed in the family tradition of helping others.

"When Kelly was about 8, he realized his mom and dad tithed, and pledged part of his allowance, giving $2 of the $8 allowance every two weeks, Watson said."

He took that same plan forward with his girlfriend, Celine Parietti, she said.

"They planned to give 10 percent to charity when they graduated from college," she said.

Anaiis McConnell says her daughter wakes up every morning looking for her father, Nathan.

"She always looked up to her dad," she said. "She loved him very much. Each morning she wakes up asking for daddy and I don't know what to say to her."

McConnell said she and Nathan had just celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary. Sunday morning, when her husband had still not come to bed, McConnell said she started to wake up others at the vacation home.

"We did not know what was going on,'' McConnell said. "Hours passed. We sat on the couch waiting for him to walk through the door."

Then they saw a TV story about a fatal accident.

"We knew the car was black, but we did not want to think it was their car," she said. "Minutes and seconds passed. Police never returned our phone calls. We checked every hospital everywhere."

Eventually, they got the horrible news.

"I realized he was gone," McConnell said. "It was not his time to go. It was too soon."

Sandie McConnell, wife of Elroy McConnell III, remembered her husband as her "heart and soul, the beat of my heart and light of day, the air that I breathe. He was not just my husband, but my best friend."

She had a message for anyone who drinks and drives.

"We all know people who drink and drive," she said, "but ultimately, this is the result. It could be any one of you. Your spouse. Your child. It could be your life. Because of this poor decision, now we are widows and kids have to grow up without daddies. I hope and pray the next time you go to drink and drive, stop and think about this tragedy."

A celebration of life service will be held for the McConnells at 2 p.m. Monday at University Carillon United Methodist Church, 1395 Campus View Court, Oviedo, Fla., 32765. For information, call the church at (407) 359-2112.

The family is setting up an account at Bank of America to assist with funeral services and college trust funds for Elroy McConnell II's grandchildren.

Reporter Howard Altman can be reached at (813) 259-7629.

And click here to see a video from Fox 13 in Tampa Bay.


I will be following this story. This is so terribly sad. So many people needlessly lost their lives in such a preventable way. I am so sad for the family.

Charlie St. Cloud

Sorry the right-hand side of the video is cut-off. The player is too big for the blog layout. But you can still see the trailer.

I took my daughter to see the movie Charlie St. Cloud today. It's about a young man (Charlie) whose younger brother (Sam) dies in a car crash, caused by a drunk driver, but Charlie can still see Sam. They meet every day to play catch. They talk and just "act like brothers". We fast-forward to 5 years later and find that Charlie didn't go away to college because if he did, he wouldn't be able to meet Sam for catch. He's stuck in the past, not letting go of Sam so he can live his life.

Then Charlie meets a girl. He wants to be with her, but would he sacrifice his time with Sam to make a life with Tess? His friend sums it up when he says, "What'll it be? Do you go back, or do you move forward?"

Charlie has to come to the conclusion about why he was given a second chance and was saved from the accident. What was his purpose? Why was he still here?

So the premise of the movie is: do you grieve forever, stay in the moment when your life changed, and never let go? Or do you let go, move forward and live your life to the fullest, take chances, and find happiness?

It was an excellent movie. Granted, I cried. A lot. Since Stephen died, I have longed to just hear his voice again. Stupidly wishing Heaven had a phone. Dumb things like that. I've not had a single dream about Stephen. Other people I know, family and friends, have had dreams of him, but not me. I have wanted to dream of him so maybe I could see his face or hear his voice just one more time.

So when this movie came out, about a boy who could still hang out with his little brother, I just had to go see it. I had to imagine what it would be like. Then ultimately, he had to let his brother go. That is so fitting. I realized that I wasn't moving forward about 18 months after Stephen died. People around me were, but I wasn't. I was spending more time on Stephen dead, than I was on the living people around me. It wasn't healthy and I had to move on. Don't get me wrong. I think of Stephen very often, but it's fleeting memories or thoughts. I don't dwell. I don't mope. I don't pity myself. I have a thought, I smile, or cry, and I move on. I have to. I had to let go. I will see him again. This life goes by faster than we know it. We have to live it while we're here. He's waiting while we do.

On a side note: my 5-year-old Jake asked me a serious question the other day, and this was our conversation:

Jake: Mom, why did they have to send Uncle Steve to Heaven? They could have just took him to the hospital and fixed him.
Me: Well, Jake, Uncle Steve was broken too badly and he had to go to Heaven. He couldn't stay here. They couldn't fix him.
And that was the end of that discussion. The answer was enough for him.

Grief comes in waves

So, let me first say that I can't believe I haven't posted in 10 months! That's crazy. Life gets hectic, I start feeling "better" and I don't need to vent as much. But something happened yesterday that just broke my heart.

We were riding in the car and the sun was behind the clouds. It kindof made the cloud look like it had a silver lining. I said, "That, to me, looks like Heaven." Trey said to Jake, "You know, where Uncle Steve lives now."

About a minute later, Jake says, "I like Heaven," then started to cry. You know, that slow cry where you see it in the face before you actually hear it. The eyes close, the head bows and the face wrinkles up, then the tears come.

I said, "What's the matter?" He said he missed Uncle Steve. It made me so sad because it was the first time since Stephen's been gone that I've actually seen Jake cry over it. Jake was only 2 (almost 3) when Stephen died and I was so afraid he would forget him. I always thought in my mind, Oh I hope he doesn't forget Stephen and how great an uncle he was and all the fun stuff they did together. But what I didn't realize was, with all the memories of the fun, comes sadness that it's gone. I never realized that three years later, my 5-year-old would still be grieving the loss of an uncle he hadn't seen in so long. I mean, it's only natural. I'm still grieving his loss, why wouldn't my child? I guess I figured he was too little to remember. But pain is pain, and loss is loss, no matter how old you are.

This is what I saw:



It is 21 days until Stephen's birthday. On July 31, he would be 27 years old. Robbed of his precious life at such a young age. In August, the drunk driver who took my brother's life will celebrate her 23rd birthday...with her family...in her home...with gifts and love. Something we'll never again get to do with Stephen. That hurts so much. And no amount of house arrest or community service or fines can erase that or give him back.

The 3-year anniversary is coming up on September 7th. And it doesn't feel like it's been that long. It sounds cliche, but it honestly does seem like it was "just yesterday." The pain isn't as severe, but the sadness is still fresh and I think it always will be.

"I'm finally where I'm supposed to be."

So I've been thinking about this for a while now. The other night, while watching "Grey's Anatomy," there was a story about a girl who had been badly injured and lost the will to live. She just wanted to die. It made me think of something that happened last month.

Last month, a friend from high school committed suicide. He had gotten some bad news (not life-threatening news) from the doctor and then hung himself. I was very distraught and saddened for him and his family. I felt that he must have been so wrought with pain and sadness and didn't feel like he could turn to anyone. I was very sad.

But as time passed and the more I thought about it, I got angry. Anytime I see anything about someone wanting to kill themself, I get so angry. And this is why...

The night Stephen died, he was on a date. The young lady he was with told me that one of the last things Stephen said before he died was this: "I am happy. I feel like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." No matter what Stephen had been through in his life, no matter what he may have felt or done to himself in the past, in the end, he VALUED his life. He wanted to live. He wanted to be here, and it was taken away from him. He didn't choose to drink and drive. He was a victim. And yet, the person who chose to take the risk is still living. How is that fair?

It makes me so angry to see people live a risky lifestyle. People that don't care what happens to them. People who put themselves in harm's way all the time for fun. People like young girls who go out and party with all guys, not knowing what could happen to them if they passed out. People who speed or drive recklessly. I'm sorry. I just felt the need to vent a little.

I wish Stephen could be here. He wanted to be.

It's been 2 years...

It has been 2 years since my brother was killed by an underage drunk driver. We have learned so much over the last 2 years. We have tried to live our lives like he would want us to. We have become more empathetic and sympathetic with people. We have learned that grief comes in waves. Grief moves like a circle. It comes and goes but each time, the circle gets bigger and bigger and takes longer to go around, but it always comes back. We have learned compassion and forgiveness for the drunk driver. We miss Stephen terribly, but we have made it our family's mission to tell those we meet about drunk driving and what it does to people's lives.

I have had people contact me through this blog, and tell me how helpful it has been to them. Most have been sisters who have lost brothers. I've also had some very rude comments left, but I have to understand that they are probably still in the "anger" stage of grief. I feel I have let God lead me in my journey through grief and recovery.

Around 14 months after Stephen died, I realized the weight I was carrying around. I was aging myself, alienating myself from my family. I knew I had to give my worry, anxiety, anger, sadness, my entire life, over to God and let Him hold the reigns. I couldn't do it anymore. Ever since that day, a weight has been lifted. I have found a "new normal," and I am able to live my life, my new life, without Stephen.

I hope that others can find joy in the sadness and compassion and forgiveness where there's anger. Life is so much better if you can let all that go and let God do what he wants done.

Anger doesn't bring your loved one back. Nor does crying or lying around and moping. I have done all of those things and Stephen's still gone. I feel I have come a long way. I don't want to sound callous or cold, and like I don't miss Stephen. I do. And when I really sit down and say to myself "he's gone and he's not coming back," it tears me up inside. But I can't do that all the time. Sometimes, I forget he's gone. There are things that the kids will do, or stuff I see that I want to pick up the phone and call him. Then it hits me. I've adjusted to him not being here. I know I'll see him again. And this life will seem so small by the time that happens.

Featured on the news...

Stephen's death was featured in a news story today on www.wspa.com Channel 7 in South Carolina. SC is trying to get their constitution changed on the topic of the drinking age vs the buying age of alcohol. The picture at the end is my dad.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I posted here. Mainly because I'm trying to put this part of my life behind me. It sounds so cold when I actually say it. I'm not trying to forget Stephen. I'm trying to get my life back, my spirit back. So much of me has been exhausted and lost during the last (almost) 2 years. I have changed. I am short-tempered, I am snapping at my family. I'm sad and down. It's not all the time, but it's enough that I need to fix it.

The biggest change thus far is my fear of dying in a traffic accident. Or the fear of killing someone in one. I am so paranoid while driving, especially at night. I am so afraid I'm not going to see someone or someone is going to pull out in front of me, or run a red light while I'm going through an intersection. I'm terrified that while driving through a parking lot, a child will run out from between cars. I am so scared.

I know that I'm not supposed to worry. Worrying is a sin. Worrying shows that we don't trust God to handle any situation. At what point does being extremely aware fade into worry and fear?

I just find myself checking and triple checking before backing out. I look like I'm watching a ping-pong match when pulling out of a spot. I guess I have this fear of dying at an early age because look at how quickly my brother's life was snuffed out. I am so afraid of being killed or of becoming the one who's taken a life on the road. It's a scary place to be and I'm working on it.

Dateline NBC special about the Impact of Drunk Driving...

It's from 2003 but I feel everyone should watch it.