Our trip to South Carolina

Stephen's birthday is Thursday (the 31st). He would have been turning 25 this year. Mom and Dad had to go to court to settle up with the insurance company. Since it was so close to Stephen's birthday, we decided to have a balloon lift-off to celebrate.

On Monday, Mom and I left to go to Athens, GA to pick up my mom's mom Marie. We picked her up and went to the nursing home to visit my great-grandmother Lois. We saw my cousin Kendra and her 3 boys while we were there. We left for Greenville and met up with our MADD Advocate and good friend Wendy. She's been helping us out since shortly after Stephen died, but I never had the chance to meet her in person. We talk on the phone a lot and feel like we're old friends. She organzied a balloon liftoff for the month anniversary of Stephen's death. So, we met with her and waited for Jamie to get off work. Jamie is the old friend of Stephen's whom he had dinner with the night he died. We went to Jamie's house to get ready for dinner. Jamie let us stay with her. It was me, mom, Grandma Rea, Wendy and Jamie. It was like a slumber party!

Kim (Griffen's sister) and her husband Lee came over to Jamie's to meet. Lee's dad was having surgery on Tuesday, so she came back from her vacation for it, and it just happened to be the day we came up. It was so nice to meet her. She and I have gotten to be so close because we've experienced the same loss and are both being proactive about speaking out about alcohol abuse. She was so nice and I am so happy we were finally able to meet in person and give each other the hugs we've been wanting to give each other over the last few months.

(Click to enlarge)

Kim and I




Anyway, Stephen's friend Keri and her sister Kristy came over from Brevard for dinner. Kristy and I have become pretty good friends online since Stephen died. She's had some tragic loss in her life and she has really been a source of comfort and healing for me. Dad and Linda were on vacation from Phoenix already, so they headed over to Knoville, TN and picked up my younger brother Frank and came down to Greenville. The 10 of us went to dinner at Wild Wing Cafe. That's the last place Stephen was before he died. He and Jamie ate there that night. It got a little emotional at one point, but I'm glad we went.

Jamie, Wendy and I



Frank, Dad and Linda



With Keri and Kristy



Linda, Me, Dad and Frank



Me, Mom and Grandma Rea




When I was at my grandmother's house, I found a video tape of Stephen with me and Jake and Kinsey at Christmas 2006. He had brought his then-girlfriend Amanda home from Arizona and we went for lunch with Grandma Rea. I was so excited to find that tape because I have been so mad that I never made any video of Stephen with the kids. I wished there was some tape so the kids could have some video to remember how he was with them. He was such a wonderful uncle to them. We watched the video at Jamie's before we went to bed.

Tuesday morning, we all got together for breakfast, and while Mom and Dad went to court, Wendy took Marie, Frank and I walking around downtown Greenville and we went to the suspension bridge over Reedy River Falls. After court, Mom, Dad, Linda and I went to see Sgt Brock of the MAIT team to find out all the details of Stephen's accident. After that we headed out to the crash site to have the memorial celebration for Stephen's birthday. Casey came over from Brevard and we all had a nice time. It was very emotional for all of us.

The cross and sign



Casey and Me



Getting ready to send our messages to Stephen



Watching them float to Heaven



The balloons



Frank, Dad and Me



Dad, Me and Mom



My Dad



I got a little emotional



We didn't get back til after 1am this morning. It was a loooong 2 days but I got to do a lot of the things I've been waiting 11 months to do and meet the people I've been wanting to meet.

I'm going to add some more pictures from our walk downtown as soon as Dad emails them to me.

Trooper hit by drunk driver while question another drunk driver

Lance Corporal Lee Gillespie, SCHP (Left) and Stephen Spence, offender (Above)



Trooper Hit by Drunk Driver While Making Another DUI Arrest
Suspected drunken driver clips cruiser as patrolman makes public intoxication arrest

By Nita Birmingham (Contact), Noah Haglund (Contact)
The Post and Courier
Saturday, July 26, 2008

A suspected drunken driver clipped the back of a state trooper's car early Friday on Interstate 26 at Spruill Avenue as the officer was arresting another driver for public intoxication, authorities said.

The impact propelled the patrol car into the trooper and the man he was arresting, but both were treated at a local hospital and released. A Charleston County sheriff's report said that Stephen B. Spence, 37, of Summerville, was driving the Nissan Altima that hit the trooper's car. Spence was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence.

The 1:20 a.m. crash happened as Lance Cpl. Lee V. Gillespie was out of his car with the driver of a disabled sport utility vehicle. The blue lights were running on the trooper's car, said Sid Gaulden, director of the Department of Public Safety's Office of Executive Affairs.

Authorities gave this account:

A Mount Pleasant crime scene technician was on her way home when she saw a Ford Explorer stopped partially in traffic in the westbound lane closest to the center retaining wall. A tire had separated from one of the rims. She notified the Highway Patrol, stayed until Gillespie arrived, then left.

Gillespie and the driver of the sport utility vehicle, Bradley Stephen Tamblyn, 36, of Mount Pleasant, were standing in front of the patrol car. Gillespie was in the process of arresting Tamblyn on a charge of public intoxication when the Nissan came from behind and hit the trooper's car.

The trooper's observations of the scene led to Tamblyn's arrest, Gaulden said. Gillespie could not arrest Tamblyn on a charge of DUI because the trooper did not see him driving, he said.

The impact knocked the cruiser into the center retaining wall, then into Gillespie and Tamblyn. Both men were treated at Medical University Hospital. A woman who answered the telephone Friday at Tamblyn's house would not comment.

Spence would not do field sobriety exercises and refused to take a breath test, the Sheriff's Office said. He said he'd had a couple of beers and a container of beer was in the right rear passenger seat of the Nissan, the sheriff's report said.

It was at least the second crash in Charleston County since Wednesday night in which alcohol-related charges were filed. In the earlier incident, a motorcyclist was fatally injured in Mount Pleasant and a woman was charged with felony DUI.

"All I can tell you is my guys are locking up someone every night, sometimes two or three a night," said Lt. Chip Searson, a traffic supervisor with the Charleston Police Department and MADD Charleston County Community Action Site leader. "We're just trying to keep people from killing each other out there."

Police Chief Greg Mullen has rededicated the department's efforts toward DUI enforcement, Searson said. Department arrests for DUI increased 242 percent from 2006 to 2007, he said. Officers made 143 arrests in 2006 and 489 last year.

Gov. Mark Sanford in April signed a new law to toughen the state's DUI penalties and remove enforcement loopholes that Sanford's office said had been used in the past to give defense attorneys an advantage in court.

The bill increases penalties for most first-time offenses and all second and subsequent offenses and removes community service as a sentencing option for second and subsequent offenses.

It also introduces a "tiered" penalty system, with greater punishments for offenders who are grossly intoxicated, and creates tougher penalties for refusing to take blood alcohol tests, Sanford's office said.

The new law takes effect in 2009.

From: http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/jul/26/trooper_driver_hit_on_highway48835/

Mental problems

Stephen's death has given me something new to think about and worry about. Seeing first-hand how quickly a life can be taken, I am constantly paranoid and afraid that I'M GOING TO DIE. Mainly I'm afraid of dying in a car accident. Granted, I do drive a Ford Expedition, and probably would do more damage to whatever vehicle I hit than my own, I still have the fear of plunging into water or someone pulling out in front of me. Basically, I see myself having the same accident Stephen had, sans the motorcycle. I am afraid all the time. Stephen's death has made me so aware of my surroundings while I'm driving. I know I'm being careful. I'm not worried about my driving. I'm worried about all the idiots driving around me.

Not too long ago, Bill and I were driving and were mooned by the teenage driver of a car in the lane beside us. Yes, you read it correctly. The DRIVER mooned us while he was DRIVING. Putting his cruise control to good use, I'd say.

I'm constantly worried that I don't have a last will and testament. I'm worried I don't have life insurance. All things I could fix, just haven't found the time to do it. I would like to think I have plenty of time, but we all know that's not a given.

I have only discussed this with two people. But I feel that others who are going through this need to know they're not alone. It's a natural feeling. If anyone has gone through this and has a remedy, please let me know. I guess getting the insurance and will taken care of would be a huge relief.

But the thing that bothers me the most is dying and leaving my family behind. Leaving someone else to raise my children. And leaving my mother childless.

This makes me happy

The days when I think I'm just gonna cry all day, I am thankful for my kids the most. They keep me busy. They make me laugh. Jake is the comedian, and I swear, the day Stephen died, his soul went into Jake's body. I've never seen 2 people more alike!

This is what makes me laugh:



And this: (He's trying to say High School Musical 2.)

I've got a new dragonfly at the house.

So I came home the other day and found we have a new dragonfly buddy at our house. We still have that cool green and black one hanging around. (See it here.)

Here's the new one. He's so pretty! He's blue!

This hits really close to home.

Last December, an 18-year-old boy in the town I live in, Lake City, FL, was driving under the influence and rear-ended a car, killing a man and his toddler grandson. Then that car hit a car carrying 3 other people. He received his sentence on Monday. He got 35 years! He got 15 years for each person who died and 5 years probation for the DUI with bodily injury. I just think how quickly the case was resolved. It only took 7 months. Here we are, 10 months after Stephen's death, and we have yet to go to trial. There has been a plea offer made, but the offender has asked for an extension, so we won't know whether or not she'll accept it until September 1 (6 days before the 1-year anniversary of Stephen's death.)

I've posted the articles about the accident that I talked about above. I'll put the original article from last December first, and then the one from yesterday's paper, next.

This is the young man. The expression on his face makes me sick to my stomach.




Aaron Russell Adler

Wreck kills 2, hurts 3
By TROY ROBERTS troberts@lakecityreporter.com
Published: Monday, December 3, 2007 9:52 PM EST

A Lake City teenager was charged with DUI manslaughter after a wreck Saturday night took the lives of a Lake City man and his 2-year-old grandson.

Aaron Russell Adler, 18, was charged in the deaths of Henry C. Camiel, 61, and 2-year-old Craig Camiel Jr. Adler was charged with two counts of DUI manslaughter and three counts of DUI with serious bodily injury after his SUV struck the rear of a car driven by Henry Camiel, Florida Highway Patrol reports state.

Three Lake Butler residents also suffered critical injuries in the crash, according to reports.

At approximately 6:30 p.m. Saturday, FHP troopers responded to a wreck on U.S. Highway 441, just south of Lake City near the intersection of County Road 242. The investigation revealed Adler was traveling northbound on the roadway and quickly approached Camiel's car, did not slow down and struck the rear of it.

The impact forced Camiel's car into southbound traffic, where he collided with a pickup truck driven by George R. Griffis, 57, of Lake Butler. Cathy Griffis, 50, and Kathrine Touchton, 81, also of Lake Butler, were in that vehicle at the time of the crash. All three were taken to Shands at

the University of Florida in Gainesville with critical injuries. Reports indicate their conditions had improved on Monday.

According to reports, neither seat belts nor child restraint were in use in the Camiel's vehicle at the time of the crash.

Adler was not wearing a seat belt at the time of the crash and was not injured.

“The family of Aaron Adler would like to offer their sincerest apologies and condolences to the victims and their families of the senseless and irresponsible criminal act that was visited upon them this past weekend,” said Aaron Adler's father, Russ Adler, in a statement released by the family. “Our prayers and heartfelt sympathies are with them.”

Lt. Mike Burroughs, public information officer for Troop B of FHP, said Russ Adler has promised his full cooperation into finding the source of the alcohol that his son consumed. Investigators are attempting to determine how the 18-year-old came into possession of alcohol.

“This is a far-reaching tragedy that could have been prevented by the interaction of someone calling Tow-To-Go for Mr. Adler's safe transport home, as well as his car being towed,” Burroughs said of the AAA program that can be utilized by calling (800) AAA-HELP. “As we approach the Christmas and New Year holidays, we are seeking cooperative help from the hosts of parties, bartenders and community members to help FHP stop underage impaired driving.”


Teen sentenced to 35 years in prison
19-year-old was under the influence at the time of a fatal wreck.
By TONY BRITT tbritt@lakecityreporter.com
Published: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 6:11 AM EDT

A Lake City teenager was sentenced to more than 30 years in prison for his role in a December 2007 fatal wreck where he was driving under the influence of alcohol.

Aaron Russell Adler, 19, was sentenced to 35 years in prison and five years probation. The sentencing was done Monday in a Columbia County Circuit Court. Adler was initially charged in the deaths of Henry C. Camiel, 61, and 2-year-old Craig Camiel Jr. Adler has been incarcerated in the Columbia County Jail since his arrest Dec. 1, 2007.

Adler was charged with two counts of DUI manslaughter and three counts of DUI with serious bodily injury after his SUV struck the rear of a car driven by Henry Camiel, according to Florida Highway Patrol reports.

Adler, who was represented by Jeffrey Siegmeister in Monday’s court proceedings, pleaded no contest to two counts of DUI manslaughter, two counts of DUI with serious bodily injury and one count of DUI with bodily injury. He was found guilty of all charges by Judge Julian E. Collins. Tina Seifert was the prosecuting attorney for the State Attorneys Office.

Adler received 15 years prison time for each DUI manslaughter count and five years in prison for one of the DUI with serious injury charges. He was sentenced to five years probation on the second DUI with serious injury charge and accredited for time served on the DUI with bodily injury charge.

According to police report accounts of the wreck, FHP troopers responded to the Dec. 1 wreck on U.S. Highway 441, just south of Lake City near the intersection of County Road 242, and their investigation revealed Adler was traveling northbound on the roadway and quickly approached Camiel’s car, did not slow down and struck the rear of it.

The impact forced Camiel’s car into southbound traffic, where he collided with a pickup truck driven by George R. Griffis, 57, of Lake Butler. Cathy Griffis, 50, and Kathrine Touchton, 81, also of Lake Butler, were in that vehicle at the time of the crash. All three were taken to Shands at the University of Florida in Gainesville with critical injuries.

According to reports, neither seat belts nor child restraint were in use in Camiel’s vehicle at the time of the crash.

Adler was not wearing a seat belt at the time of the crash and was not injured.

I haven't forgotten

I know I blog less often. And I haven't cried in a while. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about Stephen nor have I "gotten over" his death. When Stephen died, people told me, "It gets easier over time." I thought they were crazy. But then I realized, "It can't get any worse, right?"

I check Stephen's myspace daily. I think about him EVERY DAY. A lot throughout the day. I didn't think about him this much when he was alive. It's hard to explain, but I almost feel guilty for not wanting to just lay in bed and not get up. I feel guilty for laughing sometimes. I feel guilty for not crying enough. I feel like he's looking down on me with hurt feelings, wondering why I don't seem sadder than I am. I am sad. I do miss him. I know he knows that. In reality, he wouldn't want me to be sad. He would be glad that I'm making it through the days.

Tonight, I was in the store just browsing for Trey an extra birthday gift to give him at his party tomorrow and there were these cargo camo shorts. They had this belt that matched the one Stephen wore in his casket, except it was brown and the one Stephen had on was ivory. It took my breath for just a second because I remembered going into the chapel ahead of everyone to make sure Stephen looked the way we wanted him to in the casket and not look "made up" with lots of makeup. I remembered checking to make sure his shirt was tucked in the way he wore it, with just the front little bit tucked in and the rest un-tucked. I remembered trying to (and here come the tears now) shift his belt around a little to the front because it wasn't perfectly centered, but I couldn't get the belt to budge. It was almost like it was sewn onto his pants or something. I really tried to move the belt but it wouldn't move. It was like Stephen was telling me to leave it alone, that he didn't care what he looked like, as long as he was comfortable. If Stephen had planned what he was to wear ahead of time, he probably would have requested to wear nothing but a sock, you-know-where! (His closest friends will know what I'm talking about.) Or he'd want to be face down so he could moon everyone. He loved to do that!

Anyway, I've gone way off track. I don't seem sadder because I can't. I have to get by. Maybe if he had still been living with me when he died, it would be harder. I don't know. I use the funny memories of Stephen to keep my spirits up.

I have scoured the net and found the saddest songs about loss and made a CD for those days when I just need to have a good cry so the rest of my day can go on. I'll list them below in case anyone wants to make a CD for themselves.

Also, yesterday I was folding clothes and I heard Makinsey crying in her sleep. I went in to check on her and she was sobbing. I laid down with her and her body was bearing down, like it hurt so bad she couldn't breathe. Almost like the way I cried when I had first heard Stephen died, like the wind got knocked out of me. It made me cry to see my 7-year-old daughter crying like that. I patted her on the face and said her name several times to wake her up. I wanted to free her from whatever horrible nightmare she was having. I wanted to take her pain away. She came to and saw me in the bed, tears streaming down her face, and turned away from me. I asked her what she had been dreaming about and she told me she didn't want to talk about it. I finally coaxed it out of her and she told me she was dreaming about Uncle Steve and about all the fun times they used to have and that she missed him. I've only seen Makinsey cry 3 times over Stephen before.

Here is the list of songs for my "Have a Good Cry" CD:

"View from Heaven" - Yellowcard
"Forever" - Vertical Horizon
"When I look to the sky" - Train
"This is a call" - Thousand Foot Krutch
"We live" - Superchick
"With Hope" - Steven Curtis Chapman
"If I had only known" - Reba McEntire
"Photograph" - Nickelback
"Far Away" - Nickelback
"Held" - Natalie Grant
"Lost" - Michael Buble
"Homesick" - Mercy Me
"Broken" - Lifehouse
"From where you are" - Lifehouse
"Who you'd be today" - Kenny Chesney
"In Loving Memory (Acoustic)" - Jamestown Story
"With you in your dreams" - Hanson
"We believe" - Good Charlotte
"Tonight" - FM Static
"God only cries for the living" - Diamond Rio
"I miss you" - Blink 182
"Never Gone" - Backstreet Boys
"In loving memory" - Alter Bridge
"Shadow of the Day" - Linkin Park

My hands were tied...

So most of you know already that when we met with the defendant, we videoed the meeting to share with our closest friends and family who were unable to attend the meeting. Our attorney mentioned it in passing to the state's attorney because I'm guessing he though the SA already knew about it.

John Gregory, the SA, called and "requested" a copy of the DVD. I told him that I gave my word to the family that we would only use it for family. I know I don't "owe" them anything, but my word is my word, no matter who I give it to.

He went on to say that he would just charge me with withholding evidence and subpoena the video tape because it's damning evidence. Then I realized, I am not doing anything criminal to hurt myself over keeping my word to that girl. So I gave the links to watch the video on Google Video (which are private, except for by direct link) and told him I would send him a hard copy when I bought some blank DVDs. I also typed a word-for-word transcript and sent that to him too.

I know I gave my word. I know that family is going to think I told them it was just for family and then turned around and ran to the SA to give it to him. That's not how it happened.

Apparently, the girl told a lie to the arresting officer and still sticks to that story. Something she said in the video proves she lied. That's why he needed the video so bad.

So I tried to keep my word, but my hands were tied.

He probably saved a life or two...

Yesterday, Bill, the kids and I went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping. We split up in the store. He takes the older two and I take Jake. I saw Bill walk right past me and I yelled for him, but he didn't turn around. I went to the front of the store to look for him and there he was with a manager, the greeter and two teenage boys with their heads hung in shame. Bill caught the two boys stealing Smirnoffs and followed them out of the store. He told them that if they didn't go in and turn themselves in, he was going to call the cops.

He told them that he had just lost his brother-in-law 9 months ago because no one stopped the girl that killed him before she drank and drove. He wasn't going to let them ruin their lives and possibly the lives of others.

The police were called and when the mother of one of the boys was called, we found out that she had just been caught stealing in Walmart last week. What a shame! The boys were only 15 years old. They were taken out of the store in handcuffs and booked at the police station.

I know people will say it wasn't any of Bill's business, but I sure wish the girl that killed my brother had been caught previously to the night of September 6, and that she could have had that chance to be scared out of drinking and driving. Maybe my brother would still be here.

We probably won't ever know how what Bill did changed the course of events, but I do know this...Walmart is a big store, and Bill just happened to be on that aisle whenever they decided to steal the liquor. Things happen for a reason. Hopefully those boys will learn their lesson and it will be an example to the young boys and girls who know them.

It's an EPIDEMIC

From: http://www.nbc4.com/news/16495494/detail.html

Police: Toddler Steered Car For Drunken Mother
Two Other Children Also In Car

POSTED: 3:13 pm EDT June 4, 2008

GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Ohio -- A police officer in Ohio said he pulled over a woman he suspected was driving drunk and found the woman's 1-year-old son steering the wheel, reported WLWT-TV in Cincinnati.

Marya Green was pulled over Tuesday.

The officer said that when he came to the driver's window, he found Green's 1-year-old son at the wheel, sitting in Green's lap.

Green, 29, registered a 0.11 percent blood-alcohol level. Two other children, ages 8 and 5, were also in the car.

Green was arrested and faces charges of DUI, driving under OVI suspension, noncompliance and endangering children.

Police said this is Green's third DUI arrest in six years.

The children were released to their father, police said.

*********************

Two questions...

1. Why does this woman still have custody of her children up until this point?
2. After the 2nd DUI arrest, why is this woman still a FREE woman?

She obviously has no regard for her children nor the law. When will people learn that human safety is more important than over-crowded prisons???

Breaking News: Drunk driving claims another life

Why does this keep happening?



June 3 2008 1:55PM EDT
MEXICO - A Texas man has been arrested for driving under the influence, falling asleep at the wheel and hitting bicyclists in a race. One person was killed and 10 others were injured when Juan Campos, apparently drunk, crashed his car into the racers riding down a highway in Monterrey, near the U.S.-Mexico border.

According to police, the drunken Campos fell asleep at the wheel. This photograph was taken by a city official at the exact moment of the accident. It happened 15 minutes into the race.

A total of 452 cyclists were participating in the 21-mile race, which was canceled after the incident.

Dragonflies from Stephen

I don't recall ever seeing a dragonfly in person in my whole life. And if I have, it wasn't close to me, it may have been off in the distance. After Stephen died and Mom and I came home, we were picking the kids up from school. A dragonfly came up to the car and just hovered in front of the windshield. It just stayed around the car for the longest time. And it wasn't a dainty little pretty dragonfly. This was a big, burly, fuzzy dragonfly. I just thought it was so wierd that it was staying right there beside us.

This same thing kept happening different places we would go. I took Mom home one day and there was a big dragonfly just floating by her car (we were in mine.) I took the kids to the playground while Trey had baseball practice. About 5 dragonflies were circling the kids. They even came right up to me so I could get a few pictures. We figured these dragonflies were messages from Stephen. That he's here with us in spirit. I figured, (if anyone knew Stephen, they'd agree) Stephen picked a dragonfly, probably because a butterfly was "too gay." A butterfly wouldn't be manly enough for him.

The dragonflies had been gone for a while, and then I found the card in the store. You can read about it here. I have it framed on my desk.

About a week or two ago, the dragonflies returned. There's this really cool-looking one that hangs out at my house, and it's the same one all the time. It's black with this neon green color throughout. (The same green as Stephen's initials on Bill's racecar.) It came close and let me take some pics of it until Jakey ran up and scared it off.

What's funny is when the kids were on the trampoline yesterday, it came up there with them. Trey sprayed it with the waterhose and Kinsey said, "Don't do that! It's Uncle Steve!"

These were the dragonflies from the ball field last year:

And these pics are of the dragonfly at my house right now:

The Number 7, Part 2

For Part 1, click here.

My husband Bill and his uncle have a racing team here in Lake City. Right now, there's 3 cars on their team. Last week, the racetrack had a "Preachers-only" race. After the race, the preachers' cars were auctioned off and the track purchased one of the cars. The track owner asked Bill and Bobby if they would keep it at Bobby's house and work on it and bring it to the track each week. The car would be there in case someone's car was disabled early on in the night and they needed a spare car to use for another race.

Today, Bill and I rode by Bobby's house today to see the "Preacher Car". When we got there, I was stunned. Stephen wanted in on the racing team really bad, I guess! If you look on Bill's racecar, below, you'll see the color of his initials (SMD) is the same color as the preacher car. The car is also #7, which is Stephen's number.

Bill's car:



The "Preacher" car

Forgiveness

One lesson I've had to learn the hard way is forgiving a person that has broken my spirit. She has torn a part of my life away from me, my children and my parents. It is a loss I feel every second of every day. I have felt anger, pain, sorrow, resentment, frustration, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, and more. How can I feel anything but hatred for someone who has done that to me? Simple. If I don't forgive her, what kind of life will I lead? How can I carry that around and be healthy the rest of my life? How can I enjoy those around me if I am always so down and depressed? How can I spend time with my kids and my husband and make great memories if I am grumpy all the time? I'm not affecting Her in any way. I'm not making her days any harder to get through. The only people I'm hurting in the end are myself and those around me. I had to do some deep soul-searching and studying God's word to find the release I'd been looking for. One of God's main teachings is forgiveness. With prayer and leadership from God, I have been able to forgive her.

Below is the information I found and I'm passing it along to anyone who needs it.

Mark 11:25-26 (Amplified) "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop--leave it, let it go--in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your (own) failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings."

The Bible speaks about every person needing forgiveness and every person needing to forgive. Why? Because we are all sinners in need of God's forgiveness. None of us is perfect.

Some of us have been betrayed in devastating ways, and have suffered profoundly at the hand of abusive people. Others have been horribly mistreated by those of other races, nations, and religions. If you are suffering with deep unhealed wounds, know the Lord has also been hurt with your pain. He loves you and wants to heal you. It is because of His great love for you that He is calling you to forgive. It is your only release from the emotional prison that you are now in.

The best way to be rid of bearing a grudge against someone (or a race, nation, gender, or church, etc.), is to confess it to the Lord and seek His help. Then, begin to pray for that person as if you were praying for yourself.

"Lord, bless so-and-so. Cause their way to be pleasing to You in all that they do. Lead them closer to you! Cleanse them of all sin and give them the grace and strength to repent of any wickedness in their heart. Cause them to thirst for intimacy with You, and let them be fulfilled in Your presence. Let them honor You and put You first in all their ways. Send Your Holy Spirit to minister to them, to strengthen them, and to lead them. Let them fulfill the call of God on their life. Bless their family/job/ministry/etc. Cause them to be fruitful and to be established in your love. Minister to them in the area of their deepest needs. Help me to be truly concerned for them. Let me have your heart for this person. Show me how to pray for them and love them as you want me to...."

Then, bind away any spirit of deception that has come over them, or anything else the Lord may show you in prayer. This is what "loving our enemies" is all about. It is looking past the sin they have committed against us, and honestly wanting the best for them and for God to be merciful to them.

Matthew 5:44-48: "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

As you are faithful to pray for those who have wronged you in this way, you will see a change come about in them--and in you!!! Instead of hate, you will begin to have God's compassion for them. There is nothing that pleases the Lord more than to see His children bearing each other's burdens, loving each other from the heart, and living in humility toward each other.

A sign from Stephen?

My dad sent a package to me and the kids with some gifts and some keepsakes of Stephen's. Dad sent me a MADD Ribbon magnet for my car. I put it on the back of my car and wanted to take a picture of it, and when I did, the sun was setting and it cast this beautiful light on the picture. The rays were shining down on the "In Memory" decal I have on my back window.


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It was like a sign from Stephen saying, "It's going to get better, the sun is shining, it's getting lighter in the darkness." He wants us to be happy and not so dark and gloomy anymore. I think this meeting we had with the defendant has really been a turning point in our lives. Our family has let go of the questions, the anxiety, the anger. We don't hate her. We aren't angry with her. If we carried that around with us all the time, what kind of lives would we lead? We have to forgive.

We met her...

It finally happened. Today, my family met with the girl who killed Stephen. She and her parents came (WITHOUT their lawyer, which was a huge shocker) to Lake City where mom and I live and we had Dad and Linda live on webcam via Skype.

First, I showed her the memorial slideshow I made for Stephen. About halfway through the video, it shows the accident, his funeral, his ashes, the roadside memorial, etc. She really sobbed during that part.

After she watched the video, I told her we had a list of questions we'd like answered. She was more than eager to oblige. The fact that they came without an attorney says a lot to me that she sincerely wants to do for us whatever we need.

I asked her questions about her life, about how it's changed, what she plans to do with her life, the order of events that night, did Stephen try to speak or move at all, and more. They also allowed us to video tape the meeting, which was really important to us.

She expressed that she wants to speak out about her actions and about drunk driving and underage alcohol use. My dad asked that if she really wants to help, maybe she could work closely with the ministry our family has built about educating people about alcohol use and abuse. I gave her the link to Stephen's website, and my email address.

It would be so much easier to be angry with her and hold a grudge if she were a monster. She's a very articulate, beautiful, smart young lady. In fact, the second we saw her, my mom said, "She looks like someone Stephen would have dated." She's doesn't have a history of criminal activity, she's a college student, she works, she's from a great family. Her parents are so nice and you can tell they love their daughter and are so sad this had to happen to anyone.

They hugged us before they left. Her mom kissed me on the cheek. She asked if she could keep in touch and I said she could email me. I am very curious to follow her as she grows and see if she keeps her promises she made to us today.

She admits she did wrong. She knows she's going to prison, and she's absolutely terrified. She told us that when the judge tells her she has to go to jail, she's not going to oppose it. She'll go and take her punishment because that's what she deserves.

I am so glad we met her. Now, I am able to finally say, without a doubt, that I forgive her, I don't hate her, I feel sorry for her, and I hate that her family is suffering, as ours is.

Thanks to everyone who said prayers for my family today. They definitely worked.

Memories

Little things make me think of Stephen. "E.T." came on TV the other day and the kids and I watched it. Stephen and I wore that movie out when we were kids. A song will come on the radio and I will instantly hear Stephen's voice singing the song terribly but humorously. Anyone who knew Stephen knows what I'm talking about. Boy couldn't sing a note, but loved doing it!

Yesterday, Bill and I took the kids out to lunch. We usually have a wait since there are 5 of us and we need a big table. While we were waiting, another large party came in and there was a teenage boy, maybe 17 years old. He was with a woman in her thirties who had 2 small children with her. The boy picked up the little girl, maybe a year old, and was throwing her in the air and playing with her. Then he got the little boy, who was maybe 3 years old, and said, "Oh, I had to pick up the heavy one, didn't I?" And he made this grunting sound and lifted the boy over his head and the boy giggled. Tears started to well up in my eyes. Seeing this young man playing with those 2 small kids made me realize that I'll never see Stephen play with my kids anymore. My kids will never have their amazingly awesome and fun uncle play with them again. In the car Bill mentioned the young man in the restaurant. He was thinking the same thing I was when he saw it happen too.

Every time I do dishes I remember the same memory of Stephen: When Stephen lived with me, I was washing dishes and he came in to offer to rinse for me. (Yes, it's true. I don't have a dishwasher.) Anyway, he was rinsing the silverware and I told him to point the steak knife point-down. Then I told him not to put the forks in upside down. He said, sarcastically, "Oh that makes sense. Put the sharp knives point-down, but leave the sharp forks point-up." I never realized that it didn't really make sense but he called me on it. Every single time I put silverware in the dish-drain, I hear him say, "Oh that makes sense..." And I smile.

Stephen may be gone, but we will always have the memories. Those will never leave us.

Stephen playing with the kids:


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Mother's Day

Mother's Day is tomorrow, and it's my mom's first without both her kids. My heart just breaks for her. I went over to her house today and took her gifts because I didn't know how she was going to be feeling tomorrow. She wants us all to go to lunch tomorrow, so apparently she's going to be okay. But I'm going to take it hour-by-hour and not plan too much, in case it gets to be too much for her. I have 1 more gift to give her in the morning when she picks Kinsey up for church.

For most of Stephen's life, I acted like a mommy to Stephen instead of his sister. When we were kids, he used to complain all the time that "Nicole's too bossy." Then when things got to hard for Stephen and he wanted a change, he moved in with Bill and me. He lived with us when Trey was born in 1999 and again when Jake was born in 2004. And I think, sometime again somewhere in between. I was feeding him and washing his clothes and cleaning up after him, and again, I felt like I was mothering him, when he really didn't need it. We have an awesome mom. But I just felt like I needed to take care of him. "Be home by such-and-such time," and "Be careful," I always told him. I always worried about him. I felt I needed to protect him because he didn't always make the best decisions. But I know he hated it. He felt I was being too bossy and nagging him too much. I just couldn't help it. I didn't want anything to happen to him. But in the end, I couldn't protect him.

I know the coroner said he died instantly, but the fire chief, who was the first-responder, said he had a faint pulse for about 2 minutes. I wonder, did he even have a chance to think, "Oh God! My mom. Don't do this to my mom." Did he have a chance to think, or did he really go instantly. Did he know it was happening, did he see it coming? Did he see the car and think, "Not again. You've gotta be kidding me!" (After all the wrecks he's been in, that were never his fault.) I just wish I could know his thoughts at the time of the accident. I will never know these things, so I wonder why God makes me think it all the time, if I'll never have an answer?

Well, I've rambled long enough...

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who already have children and those who are becoming new mothers. Rejoice in your kids. Hug them all the time. Tell them you love them all the time. Enjoy them being kids and let them be kids. You never know how long you have.

Tomorrow is 8 months

I can't believe that tomorrow will be 8 months since Stephen died. I still have to remind myself frequently that he's really gone. My mom said the other day when we were talking: "Sometimes I just think 'Oh my God. His neck was broken. My baby's neck was actually broken.'" I feel so sad for my mom and dad. I know that it's sad for me to have lost my brother, but I can't imagine losing one of my kids. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

My friend Kim, Griffen's big sister, sent me the following message after I called her upset last week, and it's so true that I wanted to pass it along here:

Grief does not proceed in a linear fashion. It circles. You feel better. You feel yourself heal. And then, wham!--you are back on your emotional knees. Still as the days pass, the circles widen. When grief returns again, it finds you stronger.

Griffen didn't get any justice in court today. The adult who provided him with alcohol only received 30 days (suspended sentence), 50 hours community service and a $257 fine. I can't believe he could basically buy his way out, while Griffen got the death penalty. If you haven't read about Griffen below, check out his website: GriffensGift.com.

There's still something big happening in 17 days. I haven't posted the details here because I don't want to jinx it, but as soon as it happens, I will give all the details, I promise.

It's been a sad week

Thursday morning, our town lost another young person. This time, it was 17-year-old Tyler Stamper. He was an athlete, very popular, a nice person who would go out of his way for anyone who needed him. I didn't know him personally, but my cousin and my sister-in-law were friends of his, and I know his grandmother. He lost control of his truck and crashed into the woods. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Word is he died instantly, but no one knows exactly what time the crash happened. A passerby saw his vehicle in the woods and called the authorities around 3:45am. This shook our town. His funeral was massive. People were walking in droves to the church because there wasn't enough parking. I was just at his school last month and I spoke to his class (the junior class). I don't know if he was there, but I feel so sad that this couldn't have been prevented.

I took my sister-in-law to the funeral and dropped her off. Just knowing what that family is feeling hurts my heart so much. I can't explain the feeling of losing someone suddenly. Talking to that person just hours before their death and then the next thing you know, you're picking out a casket. It's gut-wrenching. It hurts so bad, and my soul is aching for that family. I wish I could make it so that no family ever has to feel that feeling ever in their lifetime. I wish people didn't die without preparing for it and making peace first. I know it's hard to lose a loved one. Period. But I don't think it's as hard to deal with when you have months or weeks to prepare yourself and know that it's going to happen. You can say your goodbyes, find out everything you ever wanted to know, say everything you ever wanted to say. I think it's so much harder when you're sound asleep in your bed and you get the call in the middle of the night. You don't even have a chance to wake up yet before you hear the news. It took me 5 months to realize it really happened. 5 MONTHS!!! My brain wasn't ready for the shock it got.

I have no sense of time now. Some times, time just drags on. Other times, it goes so fast I don't even know where it went. Hours go by like minutes and other times, they go on like days. I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since Stephen died. Where did the time go? How did I make it this long without hearing his voice? I've messed up a couple times and tried to call him. I had to catch myself when my mom was in the hospital because I almost asked her if Stephen had called to check on her yet. Boy, would that have been bad.

I thought I was doing fine. I thought I had made a lot of progress, but the way I've been feeling yesterday and today, I CAN'T STAND IT. I don't believe it. I am so sad. I want him back. I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to talk to him. I want to NOT cry. I miss him so much. I know I'll be better after I have a cry. Usually it lasts about a minute and then I can go about my day.

To the Stamper family: It does get easier. Eventually. Daily. I know right now, it feels like it's not happening, or that you can't make it. But you can. You will. You think, "What would Tyler expect of me? How would he want me to live my life?" And you live it that way. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. You do it your own way. Whatever way works. If people don't call, don't take it as them not caring. Some people just don't know what to say. People are going to talk. People are going to speculate. Calmly and matter-of-factly, set them straight. Get the facts out there so people aren't tarnishing Tyler's legacy. Some people deal with it by talking about it ALL THE TIME (the way I do) and some people shy away from it all together. To each his own. I wish the Stamper family peace, sleep, busy minds so as not to think about his death all the time, love, happiness in the memories, cries, laughter, and fellowship. Please keep Tyler's (real) friends close and keep them part of your family. Keep up with them. Go to their weddings. Keep up with where life takes them. Those are things that Tyler would have done. Some of my brother's friends have become part of our family. We love them and are forever bonded by his loss.

If you've gotten this far, know that I've had to take a couple breaks, but it sure felt good to release some of what I've been feeling. I know I've got mascara running down my face. I hope the Stamper family doesn't mind me mentioning them.

Wishing I could hug him again...