Today's the day

I've felt my mood getting more and more depressed over the last few days. I have dreaded today. I knew it was coming and I tried to work around it.

Today is the last day 1 year ago, I was at peace. I could go to bed easily at night. I didn't have to throw myself into obligation after obligation just to keep my mind busy. I could close my eyes without seeing terrible images in my head. I could go a day without obsessing about Stephen.

One year ago today, I lost my brother. One year ago tonight was the night I went to bed and woke up with my life forever changed.

On September 5, 2007, I talked to Stephen on the phone. He had sent me this hilarious video of himself trying to jump on the wall, and I still couldn't stop laughing. We talked for a bit on the phone then said goodbye. On September 6, 2007, Stephen went to Greenville, SC, 45 minutes away from Brevard, to have dinner with Jamie, his first love whom he hadn't seen in 10 years. He was ecstatic!

They had dinner, they reminisced. They spent about 6 hours together, and Jamie told me it was the best time. They had a great time. I know when Stephen left, he was so elated. On Cloud 9. Jamie and Stephen made plans to get together again the next night: Friday.

Stephen left the restaurant Wild Wings Cafe in Greenville, SC and headed down Hwy 276 to go back to Brevard. About 15 minutes into his ride, a drunk driver pulled out in front of him and killed him. That was 11:55pm on September 6, 2007. Since help didn't arrive until after midnight, he was actually pronounced dead at 12:05am on September 7, 2007.

Back at home, I went to bed at 11:37pm. You don't forget any little detail when something like this happens. At 1:45am, my mom called with the news. She didn't believe it. She thought it was a prank. She just said, so mater-of-factly, "Stephen's dead." And she said it as if she had said, "Stephen got fired" or "Stephen broke his arm." Like with a hint of anger or sarcasm, as if to say, "Hey, do you believe this?!"

I screamed. I felt the wind knocked out of me, and out came this primal growl/sob from the inner core of my body. I've never heard a sound like that before, but believe me, I hear it everyday in my head. I spent the next 10 minutes or so calling around to find out if it was true. Law Enforcement, hospitals, etc. Finally, it was time to break it to my mom.

We headed over and called an ambulance to assist. My mom had a heart attack a few years back and I needed help there in case this caused another one. The medical examiner rolled Stephen over and said he had a Chinese-character tattoo on his back, and we knew it was him, and it was true.

Not long after, the organ harvesters called to do an interview with mom. And I had to call my dad. I told Linda, I think. My call to Dad is still a little fuzzy in my mind.

My husband Bill called my best friend Stephanie, who is like another daughter to my mom. She came right over and cried with us and held us.

The rest of the story is still going on. We've dealt with things we've never dealt with. Funeral arrangements, cremation, lawyers, police, MADD, roadside memorials, and more.

We're still awaiting justice for Stephen, one-year later. It's not going our way right now. It seems the criminal has more rights. Do you know that her attorney thought the original plea offer of 12 years was "too harsh" that he actually called our attorney and requested my family speak to the DA to get him to lower the offer? What kind of a person does that? I think Stephen dying was "too harsh." Do they think they can make a call and undo it? Now the DA has lowered his offer and they got another extension. This makes deadline #3.

I think it's time for her to just grow up. She did a grown-up thing. She drank UNDERAGE. She took a life. She told me TO MY FACE she would take her punishment and do the time, but now that it comes down to it, she's dragging it out. She's hurting my family even more than she already has. Why can't this chapter of our life be over already. We've waited a year to see this girl go to prison for what she did. All this year, she's had her driver's license. She's been a "free" woman. She got Christmas with her family, New Year's with her family, and most recently, her 21st birthday with her family. Know what we were doing for Stephen's 25th birthday this year? Writing messages on damn balloons and sending them to heaven. That's what.

I am so angry. Just take the deal. Get it over with. Don't drag it out. We didn't hate her, but now we do. Now we are so angry. She's a murderer and she's getting away with it. Sure she'll have the FELON stamp on her for life, but she's getting off as far as prison time goes. She'll serve some time, but not nearly enough in my book.

I haven't been angry for about 7 months, but now it's eating me up. I won't be at ease until Stephen gets some justice.

Almost to the 1-year mark

It's so hard to believe that in just 18 days, my brother will have been dead an entire year. So much has happened in the last year, yet it doesn't feel like we've gone a year without him. I remember so clearly everything that happened when he died and the days following. I can still hear the sound of my scream when I got the news. I can still see the smile on his face and his open eyes when we saw him in the morgue. I can still hear my mom when she said, "Stephen's dead." Every detail is so vivid and ingrained in my brain, that I don't think it will ever go away.

A friend of mine lost her sister over the weekend suddenly and I lost it. I didn't even know the person who died. I was crying for my friend. When you lose a sibling that suddenly, with no warning or preparation, it hurts so bad. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Stephen. My heart hurts. Even sitting here thinking about my friend and knowing the pain she's going through right now, makes me cry to know that someone else has to feel what I'm feeling. I don't wish this heartache on anyone.

For the last year, my mind has been consumed by Stephen. I didn't even think about him this much when he was alive. Everything I see reminds me of him. Songs I hear, clothes in the store that he would have worn, movies he would have liked, phrases my kids say that he would have laughed at and used over and over. All of it reminds me of Stephen and makes me miss him so much.

I have good days often. Great days, even. But days like Monday, when I heard about my friend's loss, I couldn't take it. I had to pull over into a parking lot to cry. With my kids in the car. Watching me. Listening to me sob. I hate that they have to see me like that, but I couldn't help it. I usually can walk into another room and lose it there, but I had just picked them up from school. I calmed down, took them home, then sat in the driveway and finished my sobbing. I don't cry much anymore, but the days that I do, I have to just get it out, and then I can go about my day.

Some money from Stephen's settlement from the accident bought my kids one-year passes to Sea World. We all went on Sunday and the whole experience was amazing. The looks on my kids faces and how excited they were, I knew we made a wise choice to use some of the money on that. We told them it was from Uncle Steve.

While walking through Sea World, my mom said, "I wish Stephen could have come here with us." That was the first time she had mentioned him that day. Right after she said that, we almost bumped into a man standing in the middle of the pathway. He was wearing a Michael Vick #7 shirt, Stephen's favorite football player. The next corner we turned, there was the Jimmie Johnson Lowes/Sea World race car, Stephen's favorite Nascar driver. The next turn we made, I turned around to make sure I had all the kids, and walking behind us was a man in a Fox Racing t-shirt, which Stephen loved. Three SIGNS, all within 3 minutes. Three messages that Stephen WAS with us that day.

Stephen, I love you. I miss you. I see so much of you in my boys, and I'm glad to see it. I hope you're happy where you are. I hope you can see us, hear us, and know for certain our love for you, if you ever doubted it before. I hope you can see how Dad feels for you too. And Linda. This pain won't ever go away. The disbelief it even happened will probably always still be there too. We've had a Christmas without you, a new year without you and your 25th birthday has passed. In 18 days, you'll have been gone a year. It's hard to believe, but we know it's true. We love you so and miss you every day, all the time. Your story is powerful and has the chance to save lives, I never miss a chance to share it. I love you. ~~Nicole

Pics of the kids from Sea World:

Jake posing in our family picture (He's so much like his uncle)



Jake in awe at the fish in the tank overhead. His expression was so worth the trip.



Jake smiling at my mom



Had to peel Jake away from this tank!



The boys with the Jimmie Johnson car



Our family in the Shark Tank



Our family with Mom



Kinsey and Jake standing on an aquarium



Kinsey and Jake watching the free divers



Trey playing in the water, getting cooled off

Results from the Traffic Checkpoint

I received an email from the Captain of the Highway Patrol here in Florida with the results from the Traffic Checkpoint I participated in. They are as follows:

From the hours of 10:00pm to 2:00am, approximately 840 cars came through the checkpoint. Of those, the following enforcement action was taken:

* 4 persons arrested for Driving Under the Influence
* 7 persons were charged with Driving While License Suspended
* 1 person was charged with No Valid Driver’s License
* 3 persons were charged with Operating a vehicle with unsafe equipment
* 48 citations were issued for various traffic infractions
* 9 written warnings were issued
* 12 faulty equipment notices were issued

Total Citations: 63

My first DUI Checkpoint

Last night I participated in my first DUI Checkpoint. It's pretty cool to go from being an everyday citizen, to being given the endorsement of the highway patrol and have the chance to be on the side of law enforcement during a DUI Checkpoint. I was there with at least 40 officers who were IDing drivers and checking registrations. They stopped every car heading west toward town. They sent them into a parking lot which had 2 intake lanes set up. There were about 4 officers in each lane, and it kind of looked like the pits at a race. They would ask for ID and registration. If the driver didn't have either one or seemed to be impaired, they had the driver pull off to the side to have officers check them out further.

Me and Captain Mike Burroughs (my mentor)



I got to watch people be arrested, undergo a field sobriety test, have their cars sniffed by K-9, and their cars be torn apart, seat-by-seat. It was really enlightening. One person who got stopped had been involved in a high-speed chase a few weeks earlier, then got stopped about a week ago, then got caught in the checkpoint. Needless to say, he got arrested. Two guys who got stopped had a scale and cocaine in a duffel bag in their car. They went to jail.

I had the opportunity to speak to 2 young men who had an open container of liquor in their car. I wore my pin with Stephen's picture on it, and I told them my story. They had asked why I was there so I jumped at the chance to tell them first-hand what drinking and driving will do to people's lives. They received a ticket for an open container and were let go.

I really think I've found my calling. I want to work with the Florida Highway Patrol as an advocate. I would go along on family notifications of deaths and accidents and council families on the proper steps to take afterward. I wouldn't be able to do it until the kids are a little older since I would have to be on call 24 hours a day.

Here are the pictures I took. I had to distort the civilians faces to protect their privacy.

(CLICK TO ENLARGE)