Here are some pics of Stephen to compare:
Monday, March 24, 2008
Guess who I saw tonight???
Tonight, we had to run to the auto parts store and I was waiting in the car when I caught a glimpse of someone who looked familiar as they walked by the window inside. He stood in line, waiting to pay, and the more I looked at him, the more I realized how familiar he looked. He was basically Stephen's twin. Same nose, same ears, same hair, same manner of dress, same calf muscles. I couldn't believe my eyes. I wanted to run in and ask if I could give him a hug. But, he'd think I was psycho. The resemblance was just uncanny. I got my sister-in-law to take a couple pictures with my cell phone. What do think? Do you see the resemblance?
Here are some pics of Stephen to compare:
Here are some pics of Stephen to compare:
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
My first presentation!
I gave my first presentation today to the local high school juniors and seniors. It was part of the pre-prom talk that they get every year. I had Trooper Ortiz there from the Florida Highway Patrol. Bill and my mom were there for support. I had to do the presentation twice.
The trooper introduced the video I made of Stephen. I sat in the front row while the students watched it. There were definitely some laughs in the beginning, but when it got to the heartbeat part and pics of his funeral and his crash, I had their full attention.
Right after the video, I got up to speak. Right off the bat, I told them that they'd have to bear with me. This my first time ever speaking to a group about this and I was a little nervous. I didn't prepare a speech either. I just spoke from my heart and chatted with them. I wanted to show them that I'm a young person, like them, and not some hoity-toity person trying to lecture them.
Then I did my Powerpoint presentation about the effects of alcohol on the body and life: what penalites their parents face for giving them alcohol, and what penalites they face for drinking and then drinking and driving. I really felt I connected with them. For the seniors, we ran out of time, so I just quickly talked through the most important info from the Powerpoint, without showing it on the screen. I had the first 6 rows stand up, which was roughly 114 students. I told them that 114 is the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drivers in crashes in 2006. Then I had all but the first two rows sit down, which was 31 kids left standing. I told them that 31 was the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drinking drivers in all fatality crashes in 2006. I feel it was very effective.
I got some really positive feedback from some students who actually approached me when it was over. I also had some teachers come to me and thank me, saying, "Thank you, they really, really needed to hear that. I just wish more people would come speak about it." I guess talking about it isn't for everyone, but this is the best way I could deal with it and come to terms with it.
Later on, Amber from Project CATCh and I went on 106.5 FM to advertise the Town Hall Meeting in Fort White on March 27th. I think it went well. My journey is just beginning, but I think it'll be a rewarding one.
The trooper introduced the video I made of Stephen. I sat in the front row while the students watched it. There were definitely some laughs in the beginning, but when it got to the heartbeat part and pics of his funeral and his crash, I had their full attention.
Right after the video, I got up to speak. Right off the bat, I told them that they'd have to bear with me. This my first time ever speaking to a group about this and I was a little nervous. I didn't prepare a speech either. I just spoke from my heart and chatted with them. I wanted to show them that I'm a young person, like them, and not some hoity-toity person trying to lecture them.
Then I did my Powerpoint presentation about the effects of alcohol on the body and life: what penalites their parents face for giving them alcohol, and what penalites they face for drinking and then drinking and driving. I really felt I connected with them. For the seniors, we ran out of time, so I just quickly talked through the most important info from the Powerpoint, without showing it on the screen. I had the first 6 rows stand up, which was roughly 114 students. I told them that 114 is the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drivers in crashes in 2006. Then I had all but the first two rows sit down, which was 31 kids left standing. I told them that 31 was the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drinking drivers in all fatality crashes in 2006. I feel it was very effective.
I got some really positive feedback from some students who actually approached me when it was over. I also had some teachers come to me and thank me, saying, "Thank you, they really, really needed to hear that. I just wish more people would come speak about it." I guess talking about it isn't for everyone, but this is the best way I could deal with it and come to terms with it.
Later on, Amber from Project CATCh and I went on 106.5 FM to advertise the Town Hall Meeting in Fort White on March 27th. I think it went well. My journey is just beginning, but I think it'll be a rewarding one.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Something to wear when I speak
I made some buttons for people in my family to wear and for me to wear when we attend a presentation or any type of legal function. I think they turned out really nice.
I pinned one on Makinsey to see how it looks on and how big it will be.
I pinned one on Makinsey to see how it looks on and how big it will be.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Today was really hard
I haven't had many days like today...easily shaken, easy to start crying. Today was just "one of those days." I finally brought myself to go to the post office and mail some of Stephen's ashes to our dad. The other day, I told you about what it took to actually split them up into 2 boxes. Today I actually had to go to the post office with them, and leave without them. That was particularly hard. Almost as hard as leaving the funeral home and leaving him there. Walking out of that building was extremely hard.
When I got the box out of the car and walked into the Post Office, I caught myself hugging the box, sortof. I got in line. I got to the counter and I didn't have the box prepared for mailing at all. I didn't know the procedures for mailing cremated remains. You have to tape every seam with brown tape and then the postmaster stamps all over the tape so we can tell if there's any tampering. The lady at the counter just recently lost her brother and she felt really bad for me for what I was having to do. She apologized for having to keep turning the box on it's side. I told her it was okay...
And then...
I lost it. I broke down. I don't know why at that moment. I guess the fact that I'd be leaving the ashes behind when I left the post office finally hit me. I had to let a part of him go all over again. She got me a Kleenex. I could tell she felt really bad for me. She asked if there was anything else she could help me with. I hesitated for a second, not wanting to leave, and then said "No," and walked away, crying.
A man in a wheelchair, being pushed by his elderly father, saw me at the door and said, "Are you crying?" He was very concerned to see a lady crying. He was so polite. I told him what happened and what I had just done. He was very sensitive to that. I told him that I was doing public speaking now to try and save some lives. He said he'd love to come.
I have received a lot of encouragement from people in the community. I have the official endorsement of the Florida Highway Patrol. Some people can be so amazing, just when you least expect it.
When I got the box out of the car and walked into the Post Office, I caught myself hugging the box, sortof. I got in line. I got to the counter and I didn't have the box prepared for mailing at all. I didn't know the procedures for mailing cremated remains. You have to tape every seam with brown tape and then the postmaster stamps all over the tape so we can tell if there's any tampering. The lady at the counter just recently lost her brother and she felt really bad for me for what I was having to do. She apologized for having to keep turning the box on it's side. I told her it was okay...
And then...
I lost it. I broke down. I don't know why at that moment. I guess the fact that I'd be leaving the ashes behind when I left the post office finally hit me. I had to let a part of him go all over again. She got me a Kleenex. I could tell she felt really bad for me. She asked if there was anything else she could help me with. I hesitated for a second, not wanting to leave, and then said "No," and walked away, crying.
A man in a wheelchair, being pushed by his elderly father, saw me at the door and said, "Are you crying?" He was very concerned to see a lady crying. He was so polite. I told him what happened and what I had just done. He was very sensitive to that. I told him that I was doing public speaking now to try and save some lives. He said he'd love to come.
I have received a lot of encouragement from people in the community. I have the official endorsement of the Florida Highway Patrol. Some people can be so amazing, just when you least expect it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Losing a loved one is a full-time job
I just felt the need to post this because you hear all the time about people dying, but people don't realize what all losing a loved one entails. Dealing with it actually becomes a full-time job. Here's a very skeletal timeline of what we dealt with...
9/7/07
1:30am: We found out Stephen died by phone.
3:00am: An organ harvester called to do an interview with my mom about Stephen's medical, sexual, drug usage, and physical history.
5:00am: We bought plane tickets, showered, and packed.
10:00am: We got on a plane
3:00pm: We got a rental car and drove to the hospital
5:00pm: We talked with the medical examiner and viewed Stephen's body
9:00pm: We arrived at Stephen's friends' home and had a bite to eat and went through his room and made an appointment for the next day with the funeral home. We chose the outfit he would wear for his viewing.
9/8/07
11:00am: We met with the funeral home and made the arrangements. I wrote his obituary. We decided to have a viewing and a Celebration of Stephen's life and then have him cremated. We hope that's what he wanted, although we're fairly certain it is.
9/9/07
We met my dad in town and rode over to the funeral home together. This was the first time my dad, step-mother, youngest brother and step-sister had seen him dead. I went in first to make sure he looked the way we wanted. I didn't want him to look "made up," with lots of makeup.
We went to eat then came back for the service.
9/10/07
We came back home to Florida
A week later:
We hired a probate attorney in our town and got my mom named Stephen's legal representative. Since Stephen didn't have a will, we had to name someone his P.R. to make any decisions on his behalf.
She has to:
* file his taxes
* get his motorcycle paid off
* close any open accounts he may have had
etc
We also have to:
* follow up with investigators
* file a law-suit if they defendant doesn't return the paperwork on time
* follow up with the medical examiner's office to get toxicology results
* try to get his personal effects out of a motorcycle that is destroyed and in an impound lot
* follow up with the state's attorney about any court dates
We didn't even get the tox results for 3 months and that's because I tracked them down myself instead of waiting for someone to call me. I'd probably still be waiting to hear from someone now if I hadn't taken the initiative!
It is a lot of work and dealing with the legal system as well can be overwhelming and very intimidating.
It also can consume your mind and take up your entire day. Thinking about the accident a hundred times a day. Wondering about the offender, who they are, how they're feeling. Trying to stay busy so you won't think about it.
It's also a full-body physical reaction. Sometimes you can't breathe deeply. Sometimes you just want to cry, just to cry and get it out, so you can on with your day. Sometimes your stomach hurts so bad from not breathing, you just want to ball up and wrap up tight. Sometimes you can't even swallow, because you're paralyzed with emotions bigger than you've ever felt before.
For anyone going through this, I feel your pain. I am so quick to cry and feel sorry for anyone when I hear they've lost a loved one. I know what they're feeling and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through this.
9/7/07
1:30am: We found out Stephen died by phone.
3:00am: An organ harvester called to do an interview with my mom about Stephen's medical, sexual, drug usage, and physical history.
5:00am: We bought plane tickets, showered, and packed.
10:00am: We got on a plane
3:00pm: We got a rental car and drove to the hospital
5:00pm: We talked with the medical examiner and viewed Stephen's body
9:00pm: We arrived at Stephen's friends' home and had a bite to eat and went through his room and made an appointment for the next day with the funeral home. We chose the outfit he would wear for his viewing.
9/8/07
11:00am: We met with the funeral home and made the arrangements. I wrote his obituary. We decided to have a viewing and a Celebration of Stephen's life and then have him cremated. We hope that's what he wanted, although we're fairly certain it is.
9/9/07
We met my dad in town and rode over to the funeral home together. This was the first time my dad, step-mother, youngest brother and step-sister had seen him dead. I went in first to make sure he looked the way we wanted. I didn't want him to look "made up," with lots of makeup.
We went to eat then came back for the service.
9/10/07
We came back home to Florida
A week later:
We hired a probate attorney in our town and got my mom named Stephen's legal representative. Since Stephen didn't have a will, we had to name someone his P.R. to make any decisions on his behalf.
She has to:
* file his taxes
* get his motorcycle paid off
* close any open accounts he may have had
etc
We also have to:
* follow up with investigators
* file a law-suit if they defendant doesn't return the paperwork on time
* follow up with the medical examiner's office to get toxicology results
* try to get his personal effects out of a motorcycle that is destroyed and in an impound lot
* follow up with the state's attorney about any court dates
We didn't even get the tox results for 3 months and that's because I tracked them down myself instead of waiting for someone to call me. I'd probably still be waiting to hear from someone now if I hadn't taken the initiative!
It is a lot of work and dealing with the legal system as well can be overwhelming and very intimidating.
It also can consume your mind and take up your entire day. Thinking about the accident a hundred times a day. Wondering about the offender, who they are, how they're feeling. Trying to stay busy so you won't think about it.
It's also a full-body physical reaction. Sometimes you can't breathe deeply. Sometimes you just want to cry, just to cry and get it out, so you can on with your day. Sometimes your stomach hurts so bad from not breathing, you just want to ball up and wrap up tight. Sometimes you can't even swallow, because you're paralyzed with emotions bigger than you've ever felt before.
For anyone going through this, I feel your pain. I am so quick to cry and feel sorry for anyone when I hear they've lost a loved one. I know what they're feeling and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through this.
I just wanted to share some pictures
Here are some pictures of Stephen.
The following two pictures were taken by friends of his in Arizona.
With his friends:
Doing what he loved:
At the Grand Canyon. He loved it there:
The following two pictures were taken by friends of his in Arizona.
With his friends:
Doing what he loved:
At the Grand Canyon. He loved it there:
The 2nd hardest thing I've ever done
Yesterday, I faced the daunting task of separating Stephen's ashes into 2 separate containers, so that I could keep some and then send some to Dad. That was so hard to do. I really had to do some deep breathing and psych myself out to do it. I just had to get it over with. The whole time I was scooping his ashes, I was apologizing to him, saying, "Stephen, I'm so sorry if you don't want to be split up. Please forgive me if I'm not doing the right thing."
It wouldn't have been so hard if there weren't fragments in the ashes, like bone or teeth or something. They're not like cigarette ashes or the ashes left after a bonfire. They're brittle and coarse, made up of crushed bone, almost.
The day I received his ashes in the mail from his best friend Casey, I held the box in my lap and just cried. I was thinking, the last time I held my brother, he was cold and laying on a gurney. I hugged him, wishing he'd be warm and be able to hug me back. I didn't know the next time I held him, he would be inside a box that would fit in my lap. It was a surreal experience.
Below is the bag of ashes. I used a DVD case as a reference so you can see the size of the bag and the amount of ashes.
It wouldn't have been so hard if there weren't fragments in the ashes, like bone or teeth or something. They're not like cigarette ashes or the ashes left after a bonfire. They're brittle and coarse, made up of crushed bone, almost.
The day I received his ashes in the mail from his best friend Casey, I held the box in my lap and just cried. I was thinking, the last time I held my brother, he was cold and laying on a gurney. I hugged him, wishing he'd be warm and be able to hug me back. I didn't know the next time I held him, he would be inside a box that would fit in my lap. It was a surreal experience.
Below is the bag of ashes. I used a DVD case as a reference so you can see the size of the bag and the amount of ashes.
Friday, March 7, 2008
A blog about Stephen
My new friend Kimmy posted a blog about Stephen and my family on her blog at Griffensgift.com:
Stephen
Last night I was happy to receive a phone call from a young woman in Florida. When I answered she told me she had just read everyone of my blogs and wanted me to know that she lost her brother. She said it angered her how Griffen had been treated. She was very supportive and encouraging. I was grateful for her call.
Her brother Stephen was on a motorcycle driving home when a 20 year old girl who was drunk pulled out in front of him and killed him. I knew her pain and hope that I was able to somehow let her know she is not alone.
Stephen just like Griffen had his whole life ahead of him. He had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes and like Griffen I am sure had no idea that his life would end so prematurely.
It wasn't long before I received an email from her dad. He said:
In our minds, the underage drinker is the symptom; the root of the problem is the person providing the drink. Nothing will change if these people are not stopped. The driver in our case was just the person who "pulled the trigger". The person providing the alcohol "loaded the gun". Something has to be done there we need to look at where these young people are getting their alcohol
He is right. I met with some law officers today whom I believe agreed with me that the penalty is not enough for providing alcohol to minors resulting in a death. Who on earth would really be scared of a fine and maybe 30 days in jail? We need the law that other states have. It should be a Felony and up to 5 years in prison. I believe these people would think more seriously if they could face charges like that.
The person who gave the 20 year old alcohol who then killed Stephen is just as guilty as the 20 year old herself. I believe the 20 year old is facing felony DUI charges. The person who provided her with alcohol and indirectly caused the death of another human being is walking away.
I have been thinking a lot about this. In SC and even the rest of the nation there are those who get up in arms over abortion. Our lawmakers were recently pondering making a woman watch a video of her unborn child before she had an abortion hoping to save a life. I have seen signs on Woodruff Road of protesters calling women who make that choice "murderers".
I find it interesting that so many are caught up in getting kids here and yet we don't protect them when they get older. (I am getting off subject here but a lot of times we don't protect them when they are young either.)
I wonder why more in our state are not just as concerned with the deaths of our youth which is going on at an increasing and alarming rate due to underage drinking? Stephen, two youths from Greenwood, the kids from the Ocean Isle fire(except Lauren Mahon who had no alcohol in her system), Benjamin Sprague, Griffen, all would have stood a much better chance of being here if we showed we valued the lives of our youth with stricter penalties and education.
Families like Stephens would not be facing never seeing their loved ones again if SC took to task punishing those who provide alcohol to minors resulting in their deaths with more than just a slap on the wrist. After Griffen's death I spoke at length with House of Representatives member Adam Taylor. He and I went to high school together. He said and I agree that the current penalty is an insult to those who are left behind.
On March 31 there is a hearing for Andrew C. Argo I encourage all of you out there who think this is a travesty to come to Lexington and stand with our family showing Judge Rebecca Adams and everyone there that we truly do value our young people and that making choices which help cost a life is worth more than just a fine.
Stephen
Last night I was happy to receive a phone call from a young woman in Florida. When I answered she told me she had just read everyone of my blogs and wanted me to know that she lost her brother. She said it angered her how Griffen had been treated. She was very supportive and encouraging. I was grateful for her call.
Her brother Stephen was on a motorcycle driving home when a 20 year old girl who was drunk pulled out in front of him and killed him. I knew her pain and hope that I was able to somehow let her know she is not alone.
Stephen just like Griffen had his whole life ahead of him. He had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes and like Griffen I am sure had no idea that his life would end so prematurely.
It wasn't long before I received an email from her dad. He said:
In our minds, the underage drinker is the symptom; the root of the problem is the person providing the drink. Nothing will change if these people are not stopped. The driver in our case was just the person who "pulled the trigger". The person providing the alcohol "loaded the gun". Something has to be done there we need to look at where these young people are getting their alcohol
He is right. I met with some law officers today whom I believe agreed with me that the penalty is not enough for providing alcohol to minors resulting in a death. Who on earth would really be scared of a fine and maybe 30 days in jail? We need the law that other states have. It should be a Felony and up to 5 years in prison. I believe these people would think more seriously if they could face charges like that.
The person who gave the 20 year old alcohol who then killed Stephen is just as guilty as the 20 year old herself. I believe the 20 year old is facing felony DUI charges. The person who provided her with alcohol and indirectly caused the death of another human being is walking away.
I have been thinking a lot about this. In SC and even the rest of the nation there are those who get up in arms over abortion. Our lawmakers were recently pondering making a woman watch a video of her unborn child before she had an abortion hoping to save a life. I have seen signs on Woodruff Road of protesters calling women who make that choice "murderers".
I find it interesting that so many are caught up in getting kids here and yet we don't protect them when they get older. (I am getting off subject here but a lot of times we don't protect them when they are young either.)
I wonder why more in our state are not just as concerned with the deaths of our youth which is going on at an increasing and alarming rate due to underage drinking? Stephen, two youths from Greenwood, the kids from the Ocean Isle fire(except Lauren Mahon who had no alcohol in her system), Benjamin Sprague, Griffen, all would have stood a much better chance of being here if we showed we valued the lives of our youth with stricter penalties and education.
Families like Stephens would not be facing never seeing their loved ones again if SC took to task punishing those who provide alcohol to minors resulting in their deaths with more than just a slap on the wrist. After Griffen's death I spoke at length with House of Representatives member Adam Taylor. He and I went to high school together. He said and I agree that the current penalty is an insult to those who are left behind.
On March 31 there is a hearing for Andrew C. Argo I encourage all of you out there who think this is a travesty to come to Lexington and stand with our family showing Judge Rebecca Adams and everyone there that we truly do value our young people and that making choices which help cost a life is worth more than just a fine.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Someone you should know about
I made a new friend tonight. Too bad it's not under better circumstances. I spoke with a woman, after reading her entire blog, who lost her brother in May 2007. His name was Griffen Lollis. You can see his website here: http://www.griffensgift.com/about.php
Griffen was 20 years old. He drank so much one night, he passed out. His "friends" removed his clothing and drew obscenities all over him with a permanent marker. They plucked his eyebrows and drew new ones on. Griffen was left to die on the side of the road. He woke up and saw the "tattoos" and tried to wash them off. He was angered and shamed. His last minutes of life we spent in shame. Griffen was a shy boy who stuttered and spent most of his childhood being ridiculed by his peers.
I feel for his sister. She is currently trying to change South Carolina laws so that the people who gave Griffen the alcohol will face a harsher penalty. Currently, transferring alcohol to a minor carries a punishment of 30 days in jail and a fine. People who are cruel to animals get harsher penalties than that! Kimberly is speaking at public forums, including Senate, to try to bring attention to this fact. She admits her brother's fault and is not a hypocrite. She just feels Griffen was punished for his actions. Shouldn't the other people involved be punished as well?
Please take a few moments to visit Griffens website and "meet" this young man.
Thank you all for still being here. I have big news, but I don't want to jinx it. But as soon as I have a definite answer for you, I will post, I promise!
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