I haven't forgotten

I know I blog less often. And I haven't cried in a while. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about Stephen nor have I "gotten over" his death. When Stephen died, people told me, "It gets easier over time." I thought they were crazy. But then I realized, "It can't get any worse, right?"

I check Stephen's myspace daily. I think about him EVERY DAY. A lot throughout the day. I didn't think about him this much when he was alive. It's hard to explain, but I almost feel guilty for not wanting to just lay in bed and not get up. I feel guilty for laughing sometimes. I feel guilty for not crying enough. I feel like he's looking down on me with hurt feelings, wondering why I don't seem sadder than I am. I am sad. I do miss him. I know he knows that. In reality, he wouldn't want me to be sad. He would be glad that I'm making it through the days.

Tonight, I was in the store just browsing for Trey an extra birthday gift to give him at his party tomorrow and there were these cargo camo shorts. They had this belt that matched the one Stephen wore in his casket, except it was brown and the one Stephen had on was ivory. It took my breath for just a second because I remembered going into the chapel ahead of everyone to make sure Stephen looked the way we wanted him to in the casket and not look "made up" with lots of makeup. I remembered checking to make sure his shirt was tucked in the way he wore it, with just the front little bit tucked in and the rest un-tucked. I remembered trying to (and here come the tears now) shift his belt around a little to the front because it wasn't perfectly centered, but I couldn't get the belt to budge. It was almost like it was sewn onto his pants or something. I really tried to move the belt but it wouldn't move. It was like Stephen was telling me to leave it alone, that he didn't care what he looked like, as long as he was comfortable. If Stephen had planned what he was to wear ahead of time, he probably would have requested to wear nothing but a sock, you-know-where! (His closest friends will know what I'm talking about.) Or he'd want to be face down so he could moon everyone. He loved to do that!

Anyway, I've gone way off track. I don't seem sadder because I can't. I have to get by. Maybe if he had still been living with me when he died, it would be harder. I don't know. I use the funny memories of Stephen to keep my spirits up.

I have scoured the net and found the saddest songs about loss and made a CD for those days when I just need to have a good cry so the rest of my day can go on. I'll list them below in case anyone wants to make a CD for themselves.

Also, yesterday I was folding clothes and I heard Makinsey crying in her sleep. I went in to check on her and she was sobbing. I laid down with her and her body was bearing down, like it hurt so bad she couldn't breathe. Almost like the way I cried when I had first heard Stephen died, like the wind got knocked out of me. It made me cry to see my 7-year-old daughter crying like that. I patted her on the face and said her name several times to wake her up. I wanted to free her from whatever horrible nightmare she was having. I wanted to take her pain away. She came to and saw me in the bed, tears streaming down her face, and turned away from me. I asked her what she had been dreaming about and she told me she didn't want to talk about it. I finally coaxed it out of her and she told me she was dreaming about Uncle Steve and about all the fun times they used to have and that she missed him. I've only seen Makinsey cry 3 times over Stephen before.

Here is the list of songs for my "Have a Good Cry" CD:

"View from Heaven" - Yellowcard
"Forever" - Vertical Horizon
"When I look to the sky" - Train
"This is a call" - Thousand Foot Krutch
"We live" - Superchick
"With Hope" - Steven Curtis Chapman
"If I had only known" - Reba McEntire
"Photograph" - Nickelback
"Far Away" - Nickelback
"Held" - Natalie Grant
"Lost" - Michael Buble
"Homesick" - Mercy Me
"Broken" - Lifehouse
"From where you are" - Lifehouse
"Who you'd be today" - Kenny Chesney
"In Loving Memory (Acoustic)" - Jamestown Story
"With you in your dreams" - Hanson
"We believe" - Good Charlotte
"Tonight" - FM Static
"God only cries for the living" - Diamond Rio
"I miss you" - Blink 182
"Never Gone" - Backstreet Boys
"In loving memory" - Alter Bridge
"Shadow of the Day" - Linkin Park

My hands were tied...

So most of you know already that when we met with the defendant, we videoed the meeting to share with our closest friends and family who were unable to attend the meeting. Our attorney mentioned it in passing to the state's attorney because I'm guessing he though the SA already knew about it.

John Gregory, the SA, called and "requested" a copy of the DVD. I told him that I gave my word to the family that we would only use it for family. I know I don't "owe" them anything, but my word is my word, no matter who I give it to.

He went on to say that he would just charge me with withholding evidence and subpoena the video tape because it's damning evidence. Then I realized, I am not doing anything criminal to hurt myself over keeping my word to that girl. So I gave the links to watch the video on Google Video (which are private, except for by direct link) and told him I would send him a hard copy when I bought some blank DVDs. I also typed a word-for-word transcript and sent that to him too.

I know I gave my word. I know that family is going to think I told them it was just for family and then turned around and ran to the SA to give it to him. That's not how it happened.

Apparently, the girl told a lie to the arresting officer and still sticks to that story. Something she said in the video proves she lied. That's why he needed the video so bad.

So I tried to keep my word, but my hands were tied.

He probably saved a life or two...

Yesterday, Bill, the kids and I went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping. We split up in the store. He takes the older two and I take Jake. I saw Bill walk right past me and I yelled for him, but he didn't turn around. I went to the front of the store to look for him and there he was with a manager, the greeter and two teenage boys with their heads hung in shame. Bill caught the two boys stealing Smirnoffs and followed them out of the store. He told them that if they didn't go in and turn themselves in, he was going to call the cops.

He told them that he had just lost his brother-in-law 9 months ago because no one stopped the girl that killed him before she drank and drove. He wasn't going to let them ruin their lives and possibly the lives of others.

The police were called and when the mother of one of the boys was called, we found out that she had just been caught stealing in Walmart last week. What a shame! The boys were only 15 years old. They were taken out of the store in handcuffs and booked at the police station.

I know people will say it wasn't any of Bill's business, but I sure wish the girl that killed my brother had been caught previously to the night of September 6, and that she could have had that chance to be scared out of drinking and driving. Maybe my brother would still be here.

We probably won't ever know how what Bill did changed the course of events, but I do know this...Walmart is a big store, and Bill just happened to be on that aisle whenever they decided to steal the liquor. Things happen for a reason. Hopefully those boys will learn their lesson and it will be an example to the young boys and girls who know them.

It's an EPIDEMIC

From: http://www.nbc4.com/news/16495494/detail.html

Police: Toddler Steered Car For Drunken Mother
Two Other Children Also In Car

POSTED: 3:13 pm EDT June 4, 2008

GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Ohio -- A police officer in Ohio said he pulled over a woman he suspected was driving drunk and found the woman's 1-year-old son steering the wheel, reported WLWT-TV in Cincinnati.

Marya Green was pulled over Tuesday.

The officer said that when he came to the driver's window, he found Green's 1-year-old son at the wheel, sitting in Green's lap.

Green, 29, registered a 0.11 percent blood-alcohol level. Two other children, ages 8 and 5, were also in the car.

Green was arrested and faces charges of DUI, driving under OVI suspension, noncompliance and endangering children.

Police said this is Green's third DUI arrest in six years.

The children were released to their father, police said.

*********************

Two questions...

1. Why does this woman still have custody of her children up until this point?
2. After the 2nd DUI arrest, why is this woman still a FREE woman?

She obviously has no regard for her children nor the law. When will people learn that human safety is more important than over-crowded prisons???

Breaking News: Drunk driving claims another life

Why does this keep happening?



June 3 2008 1:55PM EDT
MEXICO - A Texas man has been arrested for driving under the influence, falling asleep at the wheel and hitting bicyclists in a race. One person was killed and 10 others were injured when Juan Campos, apparently drunk, crashed his car into the racers riding down a highway in Monterrey, near the U.S.-Mexico border.

According to police, the drunken Campos fell asleep at the wheel. This photograph was taken by a city official at the exact moment of the accident. It happened 15 minutes into the race.

A total of 452 cyclists were participating in the 21-mile race, which was canceled after the incident.

Dragonflies from Stephen

I don't recall ever seeing a dragonfly in person in my whole life. And if I have, it wasn't close to me, it may have been off in the distance. After Stephen died and Mom and I came home, we were picking the kids up from school. A dragonfly came up to the car and just hovered in front of the windshield. It just stayed around the car for the longest time. And it wasn't a dainty little pretty dragonfly. This was a big, burly, fuzzy dragonfly. I just thought it was so wierd that it was staying right there beside us.

This same thing kept happening different places we would go. I took Mom home one day and there was a big dragonfly just floating by her car (we were in mine.) I took the kids to the playground while Trey had baseball practice. About 5 dragonflies were circling the kids. They even came right up to me so I could get a few pictures. We figured these dragonflies were messages from Stephen. That he's here with us in spirit. I figured, (if anyone knew Stephen, they'd agree) Stephen picked a dragonfly, probably because a butterfly was "too gay." A butterfly wouldn't be manly enough for him.

The dragonflies had been gone for a while, and then I found the card in the store. You can read about it here. I have it framed on my desk.

About a week or two ago, the dragonflies returned. There's this really cool-looking one that hangs out at my house, and it's the same one all the time. It's black with this neon green color throughout. (The same green as Stephen's initials on Bill's racecar.) It came close and let me take some pics of it until Jakey ran up and scared it off.

What's funny is when the kids were on the trampoline yesterday, it came up there with them. Trey sprayed it with the waterhose and Kinsey said, "Don't do that! It's Uncle Steve!"

These were the dragonflies from the ball field last year:

And these pics are of the dragonfly at my house right now: