I haven't forgotten

I know I blog less often. And I haven't cried in a while. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about Stephen nor have I "gotten over" his death. When Stephen died, people told me, "It gets easier over time." I thought they were crazy. But then I realized, "It can't get any worse, right?"

I check Stephen's myspace daily. I think about him EVERY DAY. A lot throughout the day. I didn't think about him this much when he was alive. It's hard to explain, but I almost feel guilty for not wanting to just lay in bed and not get up. I feel guilty for laughing sometimes. I feel guilty for not crying enough. I feel like he's looking down on me with hurt feelings, wondering why I don't seem sadder than I am. I am sad. I do miss him. I know he knows that. In reality, he wouldn't want me to be sad. He would be glad that I'm making it through the days.

Tonight, I was in the store just browsing for Trey an extra birthday gift to give him at his party tomorrow and there were these cargo camo shorts. They had this belt that matched the one Stephen wore in his casket, except it was brown and the one Stephen had on was ivory. It took my breath for just a second because I remembered going into the chapel ahead of everyone to make sure Stephen looked the way we wanted him to in the casket and not look "made up" with lots of makeup. I remembered checking to make sure his shirt was tucked in the way he wore it, with just the front little bit tucked in and the rest un-tucked. I remembered trying to (and here come the tears now) shift his belt around a little to the front because it wasn't perfectly centered, but I couldn't get the belt to budge. It was almost like it was sewn onto his pants or something. I really tried to move the belt but it wouldn't move. It was like Stephen was telling me to leave it alone, that he didn't care what he looked like, as long as he was comfortable. If Stephen had planned what he was to wear ahead of time, he probably would have requested to wear nothing but a sock, you-know-where! (His closest friends will know what I'm talking about.) Or he'd want to be face down so he could moon everyone. He loved to do that!

Anyway, I've gone way off track. I don't seem sadder because I can't. I have to get by. Maybe if he had still been living with me when he died, it would be harder. I don't know. I use the funny memories of Stephen to keep my spirits up.

I have scoured the net and found the saddest songs about loss and made a CD for those days when I just need to have a good cry so the rest of my day can go on. I'll list them below in case anyone wants to make a CD for themselves.

Also, yesterday I was folding clothes and I heard Makinsey crying in her sleep. I went in to check on her and she was sobbing. I laid down with her and her body was bearing down, like it hurt so bad she couldn't breathe. Almost like the way I cried when I had first heard Stephen died, like the wind got knocked out of me. It made me cry to see my 7-year-old daughter crying like that. I patted her on the face and said her name several times to wake her up. I wanted to free her from whatever horrible nightmare she was having. I wanted to take her pain away. She came to and saw me in the bed, tears streaming down her face, and turned away from me. I asked her what she had been dreaming about and she told me she didn't want to talk about it. I finally coaxed it out of her and she told me she was dreaming about Uncle Steve and about all the fun times they used to have and that she missed him. I've only seen Makinsey cry 3 times over Stephen before.

Here is the list of songs for my "Have a Good Cry" CD:

"View from Heaven" - Yellowcard
"Forever" - Vertical Horizon
"When I look to the sky" - Train
"This is a call" - Thousand Foot Krutch
"We live" - Superchick
"With Hope" - Steven Curtis Chapman
"If I had only known" - Reba McEntire
"Photograph" - Nickelback
"Far Away" - Nickelback
"Held" - Natalie Grant
"Lost" - Michael Buble
"Homesick" - Mercy Me
"Broken" - Lifehouse
"From where you are" - Lifehouse
"Who you'd be today" - Kenny Chesney
"In Loving Memory (Acoustic)" - Jamestown Story
"With you in your dreams" - Hanson
"We believe" - Good Charlotte
"Tonight" - FM Static
"God only cries for the living" - Diamond Rio
"I miss you" - Blink 182
"Never Gone" - Backstreet Boys
"In loving memory" - Alter Bridge
"Shadow of the Day" - Linkin Park