"I'm finally where I'm supposed to be."

So I've been thinking about this for a while now. The other night, while watching "Grey's Anatomy," there was a story about a girl who had been badly injured and lost the will to live. She just wanted to die. It made me think of something that happened last month.

Last month, a friend from high school committed suicide. He had gotten some bad news (not life-threatening news) from the doctor and then hung himself. I was very distraught and saddened for him and his family. I felt that he must have been so wrought with pain and sadness and didn't feel like he could turn to anyone. I was very sad.

But as time passed and the more I thought about it, I got angry. Anytime I see anything about someone wanting to kill themself, I get so angry. And this is why...

The night Stephen died, he was on a date. The young lady he was with told me that one of the last things Stephen said before he died was this: "I am happy. I feel like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." No matter what Stephen had been through in his life, no matter what he may have felt or done to himself in the past, in the end, he VALUED his life. He wanted to live. He wanted to be here, and it was taken away from him. He didn't choose to drink and drive. He was a victim. And yet, the person who chose to take the risk is still living. How is that fair?

It makes me so angry to see people live a risky lifestyle. People that don't care what happens to them. People who put themselves in harm's way all the time for fun. People like young girls who go out and party with all guys, not knowing what could happen to them if they passed out. People who speed or drive recklessly. I'm sorry. I just felt the need to vent a little.

I wish Stephen could be here. He wanted to be.

It's been 2 years...

It has been 2 years since my brother was killed by an underage drunk driver. We have learned so much over the last 2 years. We have tried to live our lives like he would want us to. We have become more empathetic and sympathetic with people. We have learned that grief comes in waves. Grief moves like a circle. It comes and goes but each time, the circle gets bigger and bigger and takes longer to go around, but it always comes back. We have learned compassion and forgiveness for the drunk driver. We miss Stephen terribly, but we have made it our family's mission to tell those we meet about drunk driving and what it does to people's lives.

I have had people contact me through this blog, and tell me how helpful it has been to them. Most have been sisters who have lost brothers. I've also had some very rude comments left, but I have to understand that they are probably still in the "anger" stage of grief. I feel I have let God lead me in my journey through grief and recovery.

Around 14 months after Stephen died, I realized the weight I was carrying around. I was aging myself, alienating myself from my family. I knew I had to give my worry, anxiety, anger, sadness, my entire life, over to God and let Him hold the reigns. I couldn't do it anymore. Ever since that day, a weight has been lifted. I have found a "new normal," and I am able to live my life, my new life, without Stephen.

I hope that others can find joy in the sadness and compassion and forgiveness where there's anger. Life is so much better if you can let all that go and let God do what he wants done.

Anger doesn't bring your loved one back. Nor does crying or lying around and moping. I have done all of those things and Stephen's still gone. I feel I have come a long way. I don't want to sound callous or cold, and like I don't miss Stephen. I do. And when I really sit down and say to myself "he's gone and he's not coming back," it tears me up inside. But I can't do that all the time. Sometimes, I forget he's gone. There are things that the kids will do, or stuff I see that I want to pick up the phone and call him. Then it hits me. I've adjusted to him not being here. I know I'll see him again. And this life will seem so small by the time that happens.