It's been a while...

It's been a while since I posted here. Mainly because I'm trying to put this part of my life behind me. It sounds so cold when I actually say it. I'm not trying to forget Stephen. I'm trying to get my life back, my spirit back. So much of me has been exhausted and lost during the last (almost) 2 years. I have changed. I am short-tempered, I am snapping at my family. I'm sad and down. It's not all the time, but it's enough that I need to fix it.

The biggest change thus far is my fear of dying in a traffic accident. Or the fear of killing someone in one. I am so paranoid while driving, especially at night. I am so afraid I'm not going to see someone or someone is going to pull out in front of me, or run a red light while I'm going through an intersection. I'm terrified that while driving through a parking lot, a child will run out from between cars. I am so scared.

I know that I'm not supposed to worry. Worrying is a sin. Worrying shows that we don't trust God to handle any situation. At what point does being extremely aware fade into worry and fear?

I just find myself checking and triple checking before backing out. I look like I'm watching a ping-pong match when pulling out of a spot. I guess I have this fear of dying at an early age because look at how quickly my brother's life was snuffed out. I am so afraid of being killed or of becoming the one who's taken a life on the road. It's a scary place to be and I'm working on it.