The Number 7, Part 2

For Part 1, click here.

My husband Bill and his uncle have a racing team here in Lake City. Right now, there's 3 cars on their team. Last week, the racetrack had a "Preachers-only" race. After the race, the preachers' cars were auctioned off and the track purchased one of the cars. The track owner asked Bill and Bobby if they would keep it at Bobby's house and work on it and bring it to the track each week. The car would be there in case someone's car was disabled early on in the night and they needed a spare car to use for another race.

Today, Bill and I rode by Bobby's house today to see the "Preacher Car". When we got there, I was stunned. Stephen wanted in on the racing team really bad, I guess! If you look on Bill's racecar, below, you'll see the color of his initials (SMD) is the same color as the preacher car. The car is also #7, which is Stephen's number.

Bill's car:



The "Preacher" car

Forgiveness

One lesson I've had to learn the hard way is forgiving a person that has broken my spirit. She has torn a part of my life away from me, my children and my parents. It is a loss I feel every second of every day. I have felt anger, pain, sorrow, resentment, frustration, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, and more. How can I feel anything but hatred for someone who has done that to me? Simple. If I don't forgive her, what kind of life will I lead? How can I carry that around and be healthy the rest of my life? How can I enjoy those around me if I am always so down and depressed? How can I spend time with my kids and my husband and make great memories if I am grumpy all the time? I'm not affecting Her in any way. I'm not making her days any harder to get through. The only people I'm hurting in the end are myself and those around me. I had to do some deep soul-searching and studying God's word to find the release I'd been looking for. One of God's main teachings is forgiveness. With prayer and leadership from God, I have been able to forgive her.

Below is the information I found and I'm passing it along to anyone who needs it.

Mark 11:25-26 (Amplified) "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop--leave it, let it go--in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your (own) failings and shortcomings and let them drop. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings."

The Bible speaks about every person needing forgiveness and every person needing to forgive. Why? Because we are all sinners in need of God's forgiveness. None of us is perfect.

Some of us have been betrayed in devastating ways, and have suffered profoundly at the hand of abusive people. Others have been horribly mistreated by those of other races, nations, and religions. If you are suffering with deep unhealed wounds, know the Lord has also been hurt with your pain. He loves you and wants to heal you. It is because of His great love for you that He is calling you to forgive. It is your only release from the emotional prison that you are now in.

The best way to be rid of bearing a grudge against someone (or a race, nation, gender, or church, etc.), is to confess it to the Lord and seek His help. Then, begin to pray for that person as if you were praying for yourself.

"Lord, bless so-and-so. Cause their way to be pleasing to You in all that they do. Lead them closer to you! Cleanse them of all sin and give them the grace and strength to repent of any wickedness in their heart. Cause them to thirst for intimacy with You, and let them be fulfilled in Your presence. Let them honor You and put You first in all their ways. Send Your Holy Spirit to minister to them, to strengthen them, and to lead them. Let them fulfill the call of God on their life. Bless their family/job/ministry/etc. Cause them to be fruitful and to be established in your love. Minister to them in the area of their deepest needs. Help me to be truly concerned for them. Let me have your heart for this person. Show me how to pray for them and love them as you want me to...."

Then, bind away any spirit of deception that has come over them, or anything else the Lord may show you in prayer. This is what "loving our enemies" is all about. It is looking past the sin they have committed against us, and honestly wanting the best for them and for God to be merciful to them.

Matthew 5:44-48: "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

As you are faithful to pray for those who have wronged you in this way, you will see a change come about in them--and in you!!! Instead of hate, you will begin to have God's compassion for them. There is nothing that pleases the Lord more than to see His children bearing each other's burdens, loving each other from the heart, and living in humility toward each other.

A sign from Stephen?

My dad sent a package to me and the kids with some gifts and some keepsakes of Stephen's. Dad sent me a MADD Ribbon magnet for my car. I put it on the back of my car and wanted to take a picture of it, and when I did, the sun was setting and it cast this beautiful light on the picture. The rays were shining down on the "In Memory" decal I have on my back window.


(CLICK TO ENLARGE IMAGE)

It was like a sign from Stephen saying, "It's going to get better, the sun is shining, it's getting lighter in the darkness." He wants us to be happy and not so dark and gloomy anymore. I think this meeting we had with the defendant has really been a turning point in our lives. Our family has let go of the questions, the anxiety, the anger. We don't hate her. We aren't angry with her. If we carried that around with us all the time, what kind of lives would we lead? We have to forgive.

We met her...

It finally happened. Today, my family met with the girl who killed Stephen. She and her parents came (WITHOUT their lawyer, which was a huge shocker) to Lake City where mom and I live and we had Dad and Linda live on webcam via Skype.

First, I showed her the memorial slideshow I made for Stephen. About halfway through the video, it shows the accident, his funeral, his ashes, the roadside memorial, etc. She really sobbed during that part.

After she watched the video, I told her we had a list of questions we'd like answered. She was more than eager to oblige. The fact that they came without an attorney says a lot to me that she sincerely wants to do for us whatever we need.

I asked her questions about her life, about how it's changed, what she plans to do with her life, the order of events that night, did Stephen try to speak or move at all, and more. They also allowed us to video tape the meeting, which was really important to us.

She expressed that she wants to speak out about her actions and about drunk driving and underage alcohol use. My dad asked that if she really wants to help, maybe she could work closely with the ministry our family has built about educating people about alcohol use and abuse. I gave her the link to Stephen's website, and my email address.

It would be so much easier to be angry with her and hold a grudge if she were a monster. She's a very articulate, beautiful, smart young lady. In fact, the second we saw her, my mom said, "She looks like someone Stephen would have dated." She's doesn't have a history of criminal activity, she's a college student, she works, she's from a great family. Her parents are so nice and you can tell they love their daughter and are so sad this had to happen to anyone.

They hugged us before they left. Her mom kissed me on the cheek. She asked if she could keep in touch and I said she could email me. I am very curious to follow her as she grows and see if she keeps her promises she made to us today.

She admits she did wrong. She knows she's going to prison, and she's absolutely terrified. She told us that when the judge tells her she has to go to jail, she's not going to oppose it. She'll go and take her punishment because that's what she deserves.

I am so glad we met her. Now, I am able to finally say, without a doubt, that I forgive her, I don't hate her, I feel sorry for her, and I hate that her family is suffering, as ours is.

Thanks to everyone who said prayers for my family today. They definitely worked.

Memories

Little things make me think of Stephen. "E.T." came on TV the other day and the kids and I watched it. Stephen and I wore that movie out when we were kids. A song will come on the radio and I will instantly hear Stephen's voice singing the song terribly but humorously. Anyone who knew Stephen knows what I'm talking about. Boy couldn't sing a note, but loved doing it!

Yesterday, Bill and I took the kids out to lunch. We usually have a wait since there are 5 of us and we need a big table. While we were waiting, another large party came in and there was a teenage boy, maybe 17 years old. He was with a woman in her thirties who had 2 small children with her. The boy picked up the little girl, maybe a year old, and was throwing her in the air and playing with her. Then he got the little boy, who was maybe 3 years old, and said, "Oh, I had to pick up the heavy one, didn't I?" And he made this grunting sound and lifted the boy over his head and the boy giggled. Tears started to well up in my eyes. Seeing this young man playing with those 2 small kids made me realize that I'll never see Stephen play with my kids anymore. My kids will never have their amazingly awesome and fun uncle play with them again. In the car Bill mentioned the young man in the restaurant. He was thinking the same thing I was when he saw it happen too.

Every time I do dishes I remember the same memory of Stephen: When Stephen lived with me, I was washing dishes and he came in to offer to rinse for me. (Yes, it's true. I don't have a dishwasher.) Anyway, he was rinsing the silverware and I told him to point the steak knife point-down. Then I told him not to put the forks in upside down. He said, sarcastically, "Oh that makes sense. Put the sharp knives point-down, but leave the sharp forks point-up." I never realized that it didn't really make sense but he called me on it. Every single time I put silverware in the dish-drain, I hear him say, "Oh that makes sense..." And I smile.

Stephen may be gone, but we will always have the memories. Those will never leave us.

Stephen playing with the kids:


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Mother's Day

Mother's Day is tomorrow, and it's my mom's first without both her kids. My heart just breaks for her. I went over to her house today and took her gifts because I didn't know how she was going to be feeling tomorrow. She wants us all to go to lunch tomorrow, so apparently she's going to be okay. But I'm going to take it hour-by-hour and not plan too much, in case it gets to be too much for her. I have 1 more gift to give her in the morning when she picks Kinsey up for church.

For most of Stephen's life, I acted like a mommy to Stephen instead of his sister. When we were kids, he used to complain all the time that "Nicole's too bossy." Then when things got to hard for Stephen and he wanted a change, he moved in with Bill and me. He lived with us when Trey was born in 1999 and again when Jake was born in 2004. And I think, sometime again somewhere in between. I was feeding him and washing his clothes and cleaning up after him, and again, I felt like I was mothering him, when he really didn't need it. We have an awesome mom. But I just felt like I needed to take care of him. "Be home by such-and-such time," and "Be careful," I always told him. I always worried about him. I felt I needed to protect him because he didn't always make the best decisions. But I know he hated it. He felt I was being too bossy and nagging him too much. I just couldn't help it. I didn't want anything to happen to him. But in the end, I couldn't protect him.

I know the coroner said he died instantly, but the fire chief, who was the first-responder, said he had a faint pulse for about 2 minutes. I wonder, did he even have a chance to think, "Oh God! My mom. Don't do this to my mom." Did he have a chance to think, or did he really go instantly. Did he know it was happening, did he see it coming? Did he see the car and think, "Not again. You've gotta be kidding me!" (After all the wrecks he's been in, that were never his fault.) I just wish I could know his thoughts at the time of the accident. I will never know these things, so I wonder why God makes me think it all the time, if I'll never have an answer?

Well, I've rambled long enough...

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who already have children and those who are becoming new mothers. Rejoice in your kids. Hug them all the time. Tell them you love them all the time. Enjoy them being kids and let them be kids. You never know how long you have.

Tomorrow is 8 months

I can't believe that tomorrow will be 8 months since Stephen died. I still have to remind myself frequently that he's really gone. My mom said the other day when we were talking: "Sometimes I just think 'Oh my God. His neck was broken. My baby's neck was actually broken.'" I feel so sad for my mom and dad. I know that it's sad for me to have lost my brother, but I can't imagine losing one of my kids. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

My friend Kim, Griffen's big sister, sent me the following message after I called her upset last week, and it's so true that I wanted to pass it along here:

Grief does not proceed in a linear fashion. It circles. You feel better. You feel yourself heal. And then, wham!--you are back on your emotional knees. Still as the days pass, the circles widen. When grief returns again, it finds you stronger.

Griffen didn't get any justice in court today. The adult who provided him with alcohol only received 30 days (suspended sentence), 50 hours community service and a $257 fine. I can't believe he could basically buy his way out, while Griffen got the death penalty. If you haven't read about Griffen below, check out his website: GriffensGift.com.

There's still something big happening in 17 days. I haven't posted the details here because I don't want to jinx it, but as soon as it happens, I will give all the details, I promise.