Mother's Day

Mother's Day is tomorrow, and it's my mom's first without both her kids. My heart just breaks for her. I went over to her house today and took her gifts because I didn't know how she was going to be feeling tomorrow. She wants us all to go to lunch tomorrow, so apparently she's going to be okay. But I'm going to take it hour-by-hour and not plan too much, in case it gets to be too much for her. I have 1 more gift to give her in the morning when she picks Kinsey up for church.

For most of Stephen's life, I acted like a mommy to Stephen instead of his sister. When we were kids, he used to complain all the time that "Nicole's too bossy." Then when things got to hard for Stephen and he wanted a change, he moved in with Bill and me. He lived with us when Trey was born in 1999 and again when Jake was born in 2004. And I think, sometime again somewhere in between. I was feeding him and washing his clothes and cleaning up after him, and again, I felt like I was mothering him, when he really didn't need it. We have an awesome mom. But I just felt like I needed to take care of him. "Be home by such-and-such time," and "Be careful," I always told him. I always worried about him. I felt I needed to protect him because he didn't always make the best decisions. But I know he hated it. He felt I was being too bossy and nagging him too much. I just couldn't help it. I didn't want anything to happen to him. But in the end, I couldn't protect him.

I know the coroner said he died instantly, but the fire chief, who was the first-responder, said he had a faint pulse for about 2 minutes. I wonder, did he even have a chance to think, "Oh God! My mom. Don't do this to my mom." Did he have a chance to think, or did he really go instantly. Did he know it was happening, did he see it coming? Did he see the car and think, "Not again. You've gotta be kidding me!" (After all the wrecks he's been in, that were never his fault.) I just wish I could know his thoughts at the time of the accident. I will never know these things, so I wonder why God makes me think it all the time, if I'll never have an answer?

Well, I've rambled long enough...

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who already have children and those who are becoming new mothers. Rejoice in your kids. Hug them all the time. Tell them you love them all the time. Enjoy them being kids and let them be kids. You never know how long you have.