A Christmas Message

So today I had a little Christmas "miracle." My dad has this picture that's his favorite and he uses it every time he does a presentation. Here's the picture:

He says, "Look at Stephen in the back. Look at his face. He has his arms stretched around Frank and Nicole and it's like he's saying 'This is my brother and sister. I'm so proud of them and I'm watching over them.'"

So anyway, I was going through old CDs of saved pictures to find all our past Christmas pictures so I could make a slideshow, and I came across a picture that I never knew existed. It's the same picture as above except for one difference: my dad is in the picture.



It's almost like Stephen's acknowledging Dad and all he's been doing in Stephen's name. Dad and Linda have worked tirelessly trying to stop underage drinking and driving under the influence. They've spent every year since Stephen died, working with MADD. They even went to Washington D.C. for the MADD National Conference. I guess I never used this picture because it was so dark. I guess the flash never went off. But when I showed it to Dad, he and I both said we didn't remember taking one with him in it. He just kept saying, "I don't believe it." He really feels it's a little acknowledgement and Stephen's way of letting him know that he's proud of Dad and he's looking out for Dad too, not just Frank and me.

Merry Christmas!!!

Running out of chances...

I saw a sign yesterday that immediately reminded me of Stephen:

"The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them."

I thought about Stephen and how much of a risk-taker he was. How many chances he had in life. All the times he didn't want to live. How many dares he took from his friends. How many things he did to be funny and get a thrill. All the accidents he was in. All the broken bones he had in his lifetime. Even as a kid, Stephen wandered around like he was looking for an injury and he always found one.

Then I thought about the night he died. How that night he had said, "I'm finally happy. I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." He wasn't speeding. He wasn't riding like a daredevil. He wasn't impaired. He was doing everything right. And that's when he died. He quit taking chances, and he ran out of them. How fair is that? How fair is it that all those times he could have died, he didn't? Then when he did die, it wasn't his fault. Hmmm....

When will I be healed?

Last Sunday, our sermon was about the woman who had suffered for 12 years and wanted just to touch Jesus' robes to be healed. Here is the passage:

Mark 5:24-34

25 -29A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, "If I can put a finger on his robe, I can get well." The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with.
30At the same moment, Jesus felt energy discharging from him. He turned around to the crowd and asked, "Who touched my robe?"
31His disciples said, "What are you talking about? With this crowd pushing and jostling you, you're asking, 'Who touched me?' Dozens have touched you!"
32 -33But he went on asking, looking around to see who had done it. The woman, knowing what had happened, knowing she was the one, stepped up in fear and trembling, knelt before him, and gave him the whole story.
34Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague."

And it got me thinking...

This woman suffered for 12 years, had exhausted every other option (doctors, medicine, etc) and she thought, if I can just get to Jesus...even if I can only touch His robes...He can help me! She fought the crowd. She stumbled, squeezed, crawled, and climbed through the crowd and finally made her way to Him. She was determined to get to Him and be healed. She touched His robes and immediately her bleeding stopped and she was healed. Her suffering was over! Going to Jesus was all it took.

I started thinking, I wish suffering the loss of a loved one was as easy to be healed of. I have prayed and have been so determined, but it's not a physical ailment that can just be cured. It's an emotional devastation that isn't so easily healed. Jesus has healed me enough. I can physically feel my answered prayer. I am able to get through the day-to-day. He has made it easier to LIVE.

But I won't ever be completely healed. Not while I'm here on Earth. I won't be completely healed until I get to Heaven, meet God face-to-face, and see my brother again. But Jesus has answered my prayers and has made be able to live, day-to-day, free of complete, debilitating pain. And I am thankful for that. I just have to stay determined, thankful, and keep coming to Jesus for healing.

Whatcha gonna do about it?

So, I just happened to stumble across an amazing story that I saw in the comments section of the heartbreaking story I posted before. His name is Matt Maher. He was your average all-American guy who had everything going for him, who chose to drink and drive and killed a father of six. He is now in prison for 5.5 years. Before he went to prison, he created a presentation called "I'm That Guy." Nobody ever thinks they're going to be "that guy," that they're invincible. But he became him. Yet, he lived every day thinking, What can I do to even begin to try and make up for it? He knows there's no way he can ever make up for it, but he can try to live his life to honor Hort Kap and his family.

I became fascinated with Matt Maher's website and his blog, which he writes from prison. I began corresponding with Matt's mother.

All of this got me thinking, what's Chrissie doing? She has not reached out to us since her sentencing. Before the sentencing, she sent me a card. She came to meet us (in person) without her attorney, to tell us how sorry she was and how she never went a day without thinking about Stephen or us. Yet, since the sentencing, I haven't heard a thing about her. She told us in person that she wants to work with MADD, she wants to talk to kids about what she did. She's supposed to be doing 300 hours of community service. I want to know what she's doing to begin to try to make up for what she did. Yeah, she did less than 1 year in prison. But that's to punish her. My punishment has lasted a lot longer than that. What's she going to do to help us? My dad and step-mom go to schools and speak to kids and young-adults all the time about the dangers of alcohol abuse and driving under the influence. My parents lost a son and they're doing more to make it mean something than the person who took him away has even tried to do.

The last thing I heard about her was when the South Carolina Victims Notification e-system called me and told me she was being released. I know she'll be on house arrest until April 2013. These are all facts that anybody can look up. I want to know what she's doing day-to-day. I want to know what she's doing for her community service. I want to know if she's giving speeches using my brother's name. I'm not trying to be a stalker, I just want to know if she's making good on her word, or if what she told us was just her way of trying to look good in the eyes of the court.

I know that people close to her have read this blog because they mentioned it in court. I hope they're still reading it. I hope she's reading it. Chrissie: If you are reading this, you can contact me. I want you to. I want to know that, since my brother can't live his life anymore, that you're making yours mean something. That you're doing something positive with yours and not just wallowing in self-pity. I want to know that you are trying to discourage people from making the same choices you did. I use every opportunity I have to tell people about what happened to my brother so that hopefully it will stick in someone's mind and when the opportunity presents itself to drink-and-drive or get a ride home, they will remember Stephen and Chrissie and think twice.

I'm not mad. I'm not bitter. I have forgiven her, even before court, I forgave her. I just want to know she's living her life for Stephen's memory and that what she did really affected her. It affected me. I'm suffering. I can't imagine how angry I would be if I knew that she was "over it," "it's in the past." I want her to contact me. Chrissie: I haven't moved. It's still the same address you sent the card to. Let me know how you're doing. Let me know what you're doing. I'm here.

For Matt Maher's story, click HERE.

Four Men Dead at the Hands of Underage Drunk Driver

Photo from Tampa Bay Online

August 3, 2010
Story from: Lauren Russell at CNN

(CNN) -- Roy McConnell and his three sons left their wives and children to go see the film "Predators" in St. Petersburg, Florida, Saturday night. They were enjoying a family reunion with a week at the beach.

Around 4:30 a.m. Sunday morning, Anais McConnell woke up and noticed her husband, Nathan, wasn't lying beside her. She got out of bed and woke up the other women in the house. They waited on the sofa for the men to return, hoping they hadn't been carjacked.

They saw a television report about an accident involving a black car, similar to the one the men drove to the movies, that left four people dead, but they didn't want to consider the possibility that it could be their loved ones.

Anais McConnell said police weren't returning their phone calls. Hours later, authorities showed up on their porch to bring them the news: Their husbands were dead.

Anais McConnell, as well as her sister-in-law and mother-in-law, were widows.

Nathan, 24; his father, 51, and his two brothers, Elroy III, 28, and Kelly, 19, were killed by a drunk driver who ran a red light, police said.

Their widows spoke about their losses during a news conference Tuesday in Orlando, Florida, holding framed photographs of the men. They said they hope that sharing their story will make people think twice before getting behind the wheel after drinking.

"He wanted to teach our son how to play football and how to treat a girl right," said Elroy McConnell's wife, Sandie.

"I know that people will drink and drive, but know that this could have been any of you. I hope and pray that the next time you drink and drive you think about this."

Demetrius Jordan, the driver of the other car, has been charged with four counts of manslaughter while driving under the influence and one count of serious injury while driving under the influence, according to a report from the St. Petersburg Police Department. Jordan, 20, and his passenger, Mario Robinson, also 20, were taken to Bayfront Hospital with serious injuries soon after the midnight accident. The McConnell men were pronounced dead at the scene, according to the report.

Kelly McConnell had celebrated his 19th birthday with his family and girlfriend the day before, a family member said.

As the women described the men's accomplishments and characters, there were some chuckles and many tears. One of the women, debilitated by grief, was carried off in the middle of the news conference.

The reality was still hard to accept, but they didn't want to dwell on why this happened to them, a few said.

"I hope we could work toward forgiveness," said Amy Voelker, Roy McConnell's widow, who also lost her three sons. "We want to honor our guys... it would be tragic to let that young man's decision affect us in a negative way."

Voelker said the family members who stood beside her during the news conference represented only a fraction of the people affected by the men's deaths, and she hoped others could learn from the horror that had befallen her family.

"I'd hate for anyone else to have to bear this type of tragedy," she said.

As the news conference ended, family members placed the men's photographs around a tree, where others could see and remember.


Another article which describes the men in more detail:

Family tearfully remembers 4 killed by suspected drunken driver

Howard Altman of the Tampa Tribune and Jennifer Leigh of News Channel 8

ORLANDO - One by one, the women came to the bank of microphones, alternately crying and fighting back tears, recalling the four men in their lives who died when a driver slammed into their Ford Fusion as they were headed back to a vacation rental from a movie.

The driver of that car, Demetrius Jordan, 20, has been charged with four counts of driving while under the influence, four counts of manslaughter and one count of DUI/great bodily injury. He also was charged with being an underage person in possession of alcohol.

Elroy McConnell II and his adult sons Elroy McConnell III, Kelly McConnell, and Nathan McConnell were killed when their vehicle was hit by the car driven by Jordan, police said.

But the women, surrounded by more than a dozen family and friends, were not there to talk about Jordan. They were there to talk about the men who died.

Rebecca Watson – aunt of crash victim Kelly McConnell - said Kelly's father, Elroy McConnell II, lived life full throttle.

"Roy did everything 1,000 percent," said Watson. "He didn't just coach youth football, he helped start a new league so more kids in this community of East Orlando could play youth football. He didn't just quickly profess his faith, he studied the Bible daily and pored over books and discussed the Bible with anybody who would listen.''

Watson said Elroy McConnell II had the same attitude toward physical fitness, and charity, tithing and helping those less fortunate.

"He surprised people at restaurants by paying for their meals," she said. "He gave cash or food to people who did not have it. A week ago, he took $100 in cash and spent the day trying to find people to help."

McConnell's son, Kelly, turned 19 just days before the wreck, Watson said.

"We celebrated Kelly's 19th birthday on July 30, less than two days before he died," she said. "Nineteen years is a brief amount of time, but somehow Kelly seemed to fill it up to overflowing."

Watson described Kelly as a "tough guy" who loved football.

He played from age 6 to high school, she said.

"Even at 3 he could recognize the NFL team names from football cards," she said.

Kelly also followed in the family tradition of helping others.

"When Kelly was about 8, he realized his mom and dad tithed, and pledged part of his allowance, giving $2 of the $8 allowance every two weeks, Watson said."

He took that same plan forward with his girlfriend, Celine Parietti, she said.

"They planned to give 10 percent to charity when they graduated from college," she said.

Anaiis McConnell says her daughter wakes up every morning looking for her father, Nathan.

"She always looked up to her dad," she said. "She loved him very much. Each morning she wakes up asking for daddy and I don't know what to say to her."

McConnell said she and Nathan had just celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary. Sunday morning, when her husband had still not come to bed, McConnell said she started to wake up others at the vacation home.

"We did not know what was going on,'' McConnell said. "Hours passed. We sat on the couch waiting for him to walk through the door."

Then they saw a TV story about a fatal accident.

"We knew the car was black, but we did not want to think it was their car," she said. "Minutes and seconds passed. Police never returned our phone calls. We checked every hospital everywhere."

Eventually, they got the horrible news.

"I realized he was gone," McConnell said. "It was not his time to go. It was too soon."

Sandie McConnell, wife of Elroy McConnell III, remembered her husband as her "heart and soul, the beat of my heart and light of day, the air that I breathe. He was not just my husband, but my best friend."

She had a message for anyone who drinks and drives.

"We all know people who drink and drive," she said, "but ultimately, this is the result. It could be any one of you. Your spouse. Your child. It could be your life. Because of this poor decision, now we are widows and kids have to grow up without daddies. I hope and pray the next time you go to drink and drive, stop and think about this tragedy."

A celebration of life service will be held for the McConnells at 2 p.m. Monday at University Carillon United Methodist Church, 1395 Campus View Court, Oviedo, Fla., 32765. For information, call the church at (407) 359-2112.

The family is setting up an account at Bank of America to assist with funeral services and college trust funds for Elroy McConnell II's grandchildren.

Reporter Howard Altman can be reached at (813) 259-7629.

And click here to see a video from Fox 13 in Tampa Bay.


I will be following this story. This is so terribly sad. So many people needlessly lost their lives in such a preventable way. I am so sad for the family.

Charlie St. Cloud

Sorry the right-hand side of the video is cut-off. The player is too big for the blog layout. But you can still see the trailer.

I took my daughter to see the movie Charlie St. Cloud today. It's about a young man (Charlie) whose younger brother (Sam) dies in a car crash, caused by a drunk driver, but Charlie can still see Sam. They meet every day to play catch. They talk and just "act like brothers". We fast-forward to 5 years later and find that Charlie didn't go away to college because if he did, he wouldn't be able to meet Sam for catch. He's stuck in the past, not letting go of Sam so he can live his life.

Then Charlie meets a girl. He wants to be with her, but would he sacrifice his time with Sam to make a life with Tess? His friend sums it up when he says, "What'll it be? Do you go back, or do you move forward?"

Charlie has to come to the conclusion about why he was given a second chance and was saved from the accident. What was his purpose? Why was he still here?

So the premise of the movie is: do you grieve forever, stay in the moment when your life changed, and never let go? Or do you let go, move forward and live your life to the fullest, take chances, and find happiness?

It was an excellent movie. Granted, I cried. A lot. Since Stephen died, I have longed to just hear his voice again. Stupidly wishing Heaven had a phone. Dumb things like that. I've not had a single dream about Stephen. Other people I know, family and friends, have had dreams of him, but not me. I have wanted to dream of him so maybe I could see his face or hear his voice just one more time.

So when this movie came out, about a boy who could still hang out with his little brother, I just had to go see it. I had to imagine what it would be like. Then ultimately, he had to let his brother go. That is so fitting. I realized that I wasn't moving forward about 18 months after Stephen died. People around me were, but I wasn't. I was spending more time on Stephen dead, than I was on the living people around me. It wasn't healthy and I had to move on. Don't get me wrong. I think of Stephen very often, but it's fleeting memories or thoughts. I don't dwell. I don't mope. I don't pity myself. I have a thought, I smile, or cry, and I move on. I have to. I had to let go. I will see him again. This life goes by faster than we know it. We have to live it while we're here. He's waiting while we do.

On a side note: my 5-year-old Jake asked me a serious question the other day, and this was our conversation:

Jake: Mom, why did they have to send Uncle Steve to Heaven? They could have just took him to the hospital and fixed him.
Me: Well, Jake, Uncle Steve was broken too badly and he had to go to Heaven. He couldn't stay here. They couldn't fix him.
And that was the end of that discussion. The answer was enough for him.

Grief comes in waves

So, let me first say that I can't believe I haven't posted in 10 months! That's crazy. Life gets hectic, I start feeling "better" and I don't need to vent as much. But something happened yesterday that just broke my heart.

We were riding in the car and the sun was behind the clouds. It kindof made the cloud look like it had a silver lining. I said, "That, to me, looks like Heaven." Trey said to Jake, "You know, where Uncle Steve lives now."

About a minute later, Jake says, "I like Heaven," then started to cry. You know, that slow cry where you see it in the face before you actually hear it. The eyes close, the head bows and the face wrinkles up, then the tears come.

I said, "What's the matter?" He said he missed Uncle Steve. It made me so sad because it was the first time since Stephen's been gone that I've actually seen Jake cry over it. Jake was only 2 (almost 3) when Stephen died and I was so afraid he would forget him. I always thought in my mind, Oh I hope he doesn't forget Stephen and how great an uncle he was and all the fun stuff they did together. But what I didn't realize was, with all the memories of the fun, comes sadness that it's gone. I never realized that three years later, my 5-year-old would still be grieving the loss of an uncle he hadn't seen in so long. I mean, it's only natural. I'm still grieving his loss, why wouldn't my child? I guess I figured he was too little to remember. But pain is pain, and loss is loss, no matter how old you are.

This is what I saw:



It is 21 days until Stephen's birthday. On July 31, he would be 27 years old. Robbed of his precious life at such a young age. In August, the drunk driver who took my brother's life will celebrate her 23rd birthday...with her family...in her home...with gifts and love. Something we'll never again get to do with Stephen. That hurts so much. And no amount of house arrest or community service or fines can erase that or give him back.

The 3-year anniversary is coming up on September 7th. And it doesn't feel like it's been that long. It sounds cliche, but it honestly does seem like it was "just yesterday." The pain isn't as severe, but the sadness is still fresh and I think it always will be.