"I'm finally where I'm supposed to be."

So I've been thinking about this for a while now. The other night, while watching "Grey's Anatomy," there was a story about a girl who had been badly injured and lost the will to live. She just wanted to die. It made me think of something that happened last month.

Last month, a friend from high school committed suicide. He had gotten some bad news (not life-threatening news) from the doctor and then hung himself. I was very distraught and saddened for him and his family. I felt that he must have been so wrought with pain and sadness and didn't feel like he could turn to anyone. I was very sad.

But as time passed and the more I thought about it, I got angry. Anytime I see anything about someone wanting to kill themself, I get so angry. And this is why...

The night Stephen died, he was on a date. The young lady he was with told me that one of the last things Stephen said before he died was this: "I am happy. I feel like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be." No matter what Stephen had been through in his life, no matter what he may have felt or done to himself in the past, in the end, he VALUED his life. He wanted to live. He wanted to be here, and it was taken away from him. He didn't choose to drink and drive. He was a victim. And yet, the person who chose to take the risk is still living. How is that fair?

It makes me so angry to see people live a risky lifestyle. People that don't care what happens to them. People who put themselves in harm's way all the time for fun. People like young girls who go out and party with all guys, not knowing what could happen to them if they passed out. People who speed or drive recklessly. I'm sorry. I just felt the need to vent a little.

I wish Stephen could be here. He wanted to be.

It's been 2 years...

It has been 2 years since my brother was killed by an underage drunk driver. We have learned so much over the last 2 years. We have tried to live our lives like he would want us to. We have become more empathetic and sympathetic with people. We have learned that grief comes in waves. Grief moves like a circle. It comes and goes but each time, the circle gets bigger and bigger and takes longer to go around, but it always comes back. We have learned compassion and forgiveness for the drunk driver. We miss Stephen terribly, but we have made it our family's mission to tell those we meet about drunk driving and what it does to people's lives.

I have had people contact me through this blog, and tell me how helpful it has been to them. Most have been sisters who have lost brothers. I've also had some very rude comments left, but I have to understand that they are probably still in the "anger" stage of grief. I feel I have let God lead me in my journey through grief and recovery.

Around 14 months after Stephen died, I realized the weight I was carrying around. I was aging myself, alienating myself from my family. I knew I had to give my worry, anxiety, anger, sadness, my entire life, over to God and let Him hold the reigns. I couldn't do it anymore. Ever since that day, a weight has been lifted. I have found a "new normal," and I am able to live my life, my new life, without Stephen.

I hope that others can find joy in the sadness and compassion and forgiveness where there's anger. Life is so much better if you can let all that go and let God do what he wants done.

Anger doesn't bring your loved one back. Nor does crying or lying around and moping. I have done all of those things and Stephen's still gone. I feel I have come a long way. I don't want to sound callous or cold, and like I don't miss Stephen. I do. And when I really sit down and say to myself "he's gone and he's not coming back," it tears me up inside. But I can't do that all the time. Sometimes, I forget he's gone. There are things that the kids will do, or stuff I see that I want to pick up the phone and call him. Then it hits me. I've adjusted to him not being here. I know I'll see him again. And this life will seem so small by the time that happens.

Featured on the news...

Stephen's death was featured in a news story today on www.wspa.com Channel 7 in South Carolina. SC is trying to get their constitution changed on the topic of the drinking age vs the buying age of alcohol. The picture at the end is my dad.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I posted here. Mainly because I'm trying to put this part of my life behind me. It sounds so cold when I actually say it. I'm not trying to forget Stephen. I'm trying to get my life back, my spirit back. So much of me has been exhausted and lost during the last (almost) 2 years. I have changed. I am short-tempered, I am snapping at my family. I'm sad and down. It's not all the time, but it's enough that I need to fix it.

The biggest change thus far is my fear of dying in a traffic accident. Or the fear of killing someone in one. I am so paranoid while driving, especially at night. I am so afraid I'm not going to see someone or someone is going to pull out in front of me, or run a red light while I'm going through an intersection. I'm terrified that while driving through a parking lot, a child will run out from between cars. I am so scared.

I know that I'm not supposed to worry. Worrying is a sin. Worrying shows that we don't trust God to handle any situation. At what point does being extremely aware fade into worry and fear?

I just find myself checking and triple checking before backing out. I look like I'm watching a ping-pong match when pulling out of a spot. I guess I have this fear of dying at an early age because look at how quickly my brother's life was snuffed out. I am so afraid of being killed or of becoming the one who's taken a life on the road. It's a scary place to be and I'm working on it.

Dateline NBC special about the Impact of Drunk Driving...

It's from 2003 but I feel everyone should watch it.

Feeling sorry...

So, I've been keeping up with Chrissie via the SCDC inmate search application. I think about her a lot. I wonder what she's doing right now. I wonder if she'd care if I wrote to her. I wonder if she really meant what she said in the court room. I really hope she wasn't "pulling a fast one" on us. None of us wanted her to get a decade or more behind bars. We knew, being the type of person she is, if she went away for a long time, she'd come out a worse person than when she went in. It wouldn't do her or anybody any good to just lock her up and throw away the key. In 1 year's time, we'll see if she does any good by speaking to young people and telling her story. I would love to see her speak and hear what she has to say.

More than anything, I want her to know that we forgive her. We are sorry for her family. We are sorry she made the decision that she did. I could tell by looking at her that this ordeal is eating her up inside. I could tell by looking at her in court that she was in shock, still. That she couldn't believe she was actually going through this.

She has lost so much weight. She has lost the coloring in her skin. She looks like she's ill. I feel for her, I feel for her family. I feel for her when she has kids and they find out their mom killed someone. It's a sad situation for everyone involved.

I put together some pictures to show what a metamorphosis this young lady has gone through. Not only is she physically imprisoned, it looks like she's emotionally imprisoned by all the guilt that's eating away at her.

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE

The sentencing hearing

We had court yesterday, finally, after 21 long months of waiting. We went into the courtroom and Chrissie had lots of family and friends there for support. I'm sure we would have had more if we were local as well. You can't begin to imagine how much traveling to and from South Carolina 3 times has cost us financially as well as emotionally. My dad lives in Arizona and we live in Florida. Add in hotels, food, time off work, etc.

Anyway, I hugged her mom before we went in. From the first moment I met her mom, I knew this was a woman who was torn apart inside. Her heart was broken. I held my composure all along until I came face-to-face with her mother. As a mother, I can't begin to understand what it feels like to know your child has caused the death of someone else's child.

Chrissie came in wearing an orange-striped jumpsuit and she was shackled. She was shackled the entire time. I can't imagine how humiliating that was for her. In front of her parents, her grandparents, her boyfriend, her boss. That would be enough of a deterrent for me to never do it again if I were her. People can't understand when I say I have compassion for her. It's hard to explain. I just kept looking at her yesterday thinking, "She is in shock right now. She must be thinking how did this happen to her?" I wished and prayed to God that it wouldn't have been her. It's too hard to hate her. I wished instead she was some type of psychopathic monster so it would be easy to go through with court and sentencing. It was so hard to watch this girl who had such a great life, who was so smart and had such a promising future and a family who loved her, ruin her life. I just didn't want it for her.

Mom gave her statement first, then Dad, then me. It was so hard. As soon as I got in front of the judge, panic washed over me. I couldn't stop shaking. I was choking back the tears. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

Then it was the defense's turn. Her boss spoke, one of her college professor's spoke, her psychologist and then her mom. That was the hardest to sit through was her mom's statement.

Chrissie had the chance to speak. I felt everything she said was sincere and honest and I truly believe she will never do anything like this again. I truly believe she will follow through on her word to go out and make a difference in the lives of young people and I can't wait to see it happen.

We found out she had cut her hair and donated it to Locks of Love in Stephen's name. She planted a tree outside her bedroom window to remember him. She has done counseling and gone to town hall meetings about drunk driving. She has started herself on the path to redemption.

The judge stepped out to deliberate with the attorneys. My mom started to panic and cry. She said, "I don't think she needs to go to prison. She's not a monster. Should I say something?" I didn't want her to go away for long either. My dad said, "We have to trust that God will tell that to the judge and he'll listen." I must admit though, right before the judge came in, I bowed my head and prayed to God quickly, "God, please don't give her a long time in prison. Please."

The judge came in. He started to make his ruling. He started out and said, "I sentence you to 15 years--" and I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I hung my head, cried and shook my head. That's not what we wanted, nor expected. Then he continued on with the rest of it..."suspended upon the following conditions..."

And they were:

* 1 year in prison
* 3 years house arrest
* 300 hours community service with MADD, talking to young people
* $10,000 fines/court costs
* $1,850 paid back to my dad for Stephen's funeral expenses

If she messes up in those 4 years, she will serve the remainder of the 15 years in prison.

Also, with the house arrest:

* She may not leave Greenville, SC for 3 years
* She has to pay $8.00 per day for the ankle monitoring equipment (Approximately $240 per month)
* She can only go to the doctor, school, work, church, attorney's office

We are pleased with the sentence. We feel it is balanced and fair and the judge made a good decision. He feels she has the potential to do great things and to change lives, and that's what Stephen would have wanted.

Thank you everyone who has stuck by my family and followed this case from day 1. You don't know how much we appreciate you.

And to Chrissie's family, if you're reading this, we pray for you all the time. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think of you or of Chrissie. We constantly think about what life must be like in your shoes and wouldn't wish any of this on anyone. We don't hate Chrissie. We are sorry for her and we hope she makes good on her promise to us.

To Chrissie's psychologist:

I have decided to, once again, make my blog public. Because we were going to court, I decided to make it private so that the defense would not have any "ammo" against me if we went to trial.

Chrissie Clark's psychologist pointed out in court yesterday that both she and Chrissie spent some time reading my blog until they were no longer able to do so. I hope she will try to read it again. I need to address something she said in her statement:

Back on 12/3/07, I posted a blog here.

I openly stated that Stephen's blood alcohol content was .05, so he had in fact consumed alcohol that night. We were all aware he had done so. Her psychologist in court said "two young people made bad decisions that night." She made us look like hypocrites talking about how Chrissie chose to drink and drive when Stephen did the same thing. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. Here is how the 2 differ:

Chrissie was a underage, and the limit for a MINOR for intoxocation legally is .02. Her blood alcohol (1 hour after the wreck) content was .227. That is 11 times the legal limit for a MINOR. She wasn't having a couple drinks. She was getting wasted. She was at the limit that most people need to seek medical attention. The fact that she was even able to have the hand-eye coordination to get the key into the ignition boggles my mind!

Now, Stephen was a responsible adult. He was on a date and had a couple of drinks at DINNER, where he ate a MEAL, 4 hours before getting onto his motorcycle. For the next 3 hours he drank nothing but water. Even the medical examiner told us "it was 0.05, but don't worry, that's nothing. He was not intoxicated." He was below the legal limit of intoxication. That's why the limit is 0.08. I know that if Stephen was as impaired as Chrissie was, he never would have gotten on his motorcycle that night, and his date wouldn't have ever let him leave either.

These are two VERY DIFFERENT scenarios. Stephen was not on trial yesterday, and frankly, neither was Chrissie. She had already said she did it. There was no reason to even bring it up. But we all knew about it. And everyone in the courtroom who mattered knows the limits of the law and knew who was at fault.

Heading to court, finally

So it stuck this time. No more waiting...

On Monday, we're heading to South Carolina for the sentencing hearing. Mom, me, Bill, Trey, Dad and Linda will be heading to Abbeville, SC. The reason we have to go to Abbeville is because the judge is based there. He is a traveling judge and just so happened to be in Greenville when he heard our case.

The hearing is scheduled for 2pm on Tuesday, June 9th. If you'd like to come, you're more than welcome. Also, I am posting Chrissie's mugshot below.

A court date...hopefully this one will stick.

We received word today from South Carolina.

Chrissie will be going in to plead GUILTY on Tuesday, May 26th (2 weeks from now). Sentencing should follow at least a month after.

That's all I have now, but will let you know when I know more.

Nicole

Look what just happened on my street...

So, I'm sitting in the house about 5:30 and I hear a helicopter that sounds like it's right over my house. I looked out my back window and it's sitting across the fence in my backyard and they were life-flighting someone. So I ran out the front door and saw yellow tape at the end of my street, 3 doors down. I see a car sitting half in my street, half in the highway. And there's police, tow trucks, fire trucks, etc.

I start walking down there fast to make sure it wasn't Bill or his sister and I saw a motorcycle laying there in the road and spray paint markings all over the street. It stopped me in my tracks and I started to cry. I was thinking about Stephen and that this must be what his accident scene was like. Cars driving by slowly to look. Cops marking the body and the vehicles on the road. People standing by watching it all. I felt very sad for the family.

I don't know what happened to the man. I'll have to wait until the paper comes out tomorrow.

Here are some pictures I took, and they look very similar to Stephen's.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

The ambulance in my backyard



What I saw when I walked up



The bike getting moved to the tow truck



The car that pulled in front of the motorcycle

Ahhh, Summer...beautiful time for a court date

Looks like Chrissie will be going in to plead on June 8th. This time she will be scheduled for first thing in the morning so there can't be any more half-day situations like last time.

We will probably be going up for sentencing or a trial in July or August. I'm hoping it will be during the summer so I won't have to miss any work.

I think this has dragged on long enough. It has been almost 20 months! I even feel bad for Chrissie and her family ONLY because her family can't move on with their lives either until she has served her time.

I am ready to get this part of my life over with. I'm ready to close this chapter and begin the healing process. Leaving this unresolved is like having an open sore for 2 years and then having salt rubbed into it every couple months. The waiting is horrible.

Can you believe some people!!??!!??

Man arrested for DWI hours after DWI sentencing
Fri Apr 17, 9:02 pm ET

DERIDDER, La. – A Texas man was arrested and booked with second-offense driving while intoxicated only hours after he left a court for sentencing for an earlier DWI conviction. The 31-year-old man was arrested by state police on Wednesday.

Hours before he was arrested, he'd been in 36th Judicial District Court in DeRidder being sentenced for first-offense DWI.

The man was being held in the jail without bond pending a hearing later this month.

___

Information from: Alexandria Daily Town Talk, http://www.thetowntalk.com/

It just goes on and on...

On Wednesday afternoon our family got a call from SC State Attorney that said Chrissie would be coming into court on Thursday to enter a plea and be taken into custody to be held until her court date. She could do 1 of 2 things:

1. Plead guilty, be taken to jail and wait for her sentencing, sometime in June, when we could be there, OR
2. Plead not guilty, be taken to jail and wait for a trial to begin, sometime in June, when we could be there.

Of course, Thursday came, and the judge had a family emergency and couldn't stay all day. She could not be reached to come in early. I'm sure she was just taking some last-minute family time with no interruptions before she turned herself in. I know this was completely out of her hands and not her fault, but it's just ridiculous how many extensions this girl keeps getting. It seems like we're never going to make it to the inside of a courtroom.

It will most likely be another month before we can get her before a judge. So we just wait...

Thanks for your support and for all your prayers. They mean so much. I will let you know as soon as I know something more.

Things didn't go the way we'd hoped

I can't really elaborate except to say that when we went to court on Nov. 11, we never made it to the court room. We will be going to trial, and I will be testifying. I don't know when court will be, and I don't know how long it will run, but as soon as I know something, I will let everyone know.

I had to make my blog invitation-only so that the defense could not use anything I say in court.

Nicole

New ignition lock laws aim to foil drunk drivers

By MICHAEL TARM, Associated Press Writer Michael Tarm, Associated Press Writer – 1 hr 44 mins ago

AP – An undated photo provided by Irving, Texas-based Smart Start, Inc., shows the company's Smart Start 20/20 …

CHICAGO – Motorists convicted of driving drunk will have to install breath-monitoring gadgets in their cars under new laws taking effect in six states this week.

The ignition interlocks prevent engines from starting until drivers blow into the alcohol detectors to prove they're sober.

Alaska, Colorado, Illinois, Nebraska and Washington state began Jan. 1 requiring the devices for all motorists convicted of first-time drunken driving. South Carolina began requiring them for repeat offenders.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving has been conducting a nationwide campaign to mandate ignition locks for anyone convicted of drunken driving, claiming doing so would save thousands of lives. But critics say interlocks could lead to measures that restrict alcohol policies too much.

Users must pay for the fist-sized devices, which in Illinois cost around $80 to install on dashboards and $80 a month to rent; there's also a $30 monthly state fee. And they require periodic retesting while the car is running.

"It's amazingly inconvenient," said David Malham, of the Illinois chapter of MADD. "But the flip side of the inconvenience is death."

Other states with similar laws include New Mexico, Arizona and Louisiana. Most other states give judges the option of forcing convicted drunk drivers to use the devices. In practice though, they are rarely ordered unless laws mandate them, according to MADD.

Until now, that's been true in Illinois, said MADD national CEO Chuck Hurley.
"Illinois has excellent law enforcement," he said. "But the judicial system leaks like a sieve. This law will change the catch and release system to one where people are at least caught and tagged."

In Illinois, the interlocks are mandated only for the five to 11 months licenses are suspended with a first DUI. Drivers can opt not to install them, but then would be banned from driving during the suspension period.

Motorists in Colorado get a similar choice — install the devices or get a longer suspension.
The law taking effect in Washington state actually relaxes penalties on drunk drivers, allowing them to avoid a previously mandatory license suspension by getting an interlock. The bill's author, Rep. Roger Goodman, said too many motorists were driving with suspended licenses.
Motorists could try to skirt the devices by, say, having someone else blow into the detector or driving someone else's car. But if caught trying to circumvent the interlocks, they could go to jail.
Within a year, up to 30,000 first-time offenders in Illinois could be using them, state officials estimate.

New Mexico was the first state to mandate the devices in 2005. Since then, according to MADD, that state has seen its drunk-driving deaths fall 20 percent.

Hurley said other states could see the same percentage decline within a few years.

DUI deaths nationally have plummeted to around 15,000 from around 30,000 annually in the early 1980s.

Malham, who supports the technology, said in the future even more advanced technology will enable cars to effectively sniff car cabins, scan faces and eyes of drivers or even test sweat on steering wheels to assess sobriety before engines start.

Not everyone is as enthusiastic.

One of the staunchest critics of interlock laws for first-time offenders is the Washington-based American Beverage Institute, a trade association representing restaurants and retailers.
ABI managing director Sarah Longwell said the group backs interlock laws targeting repeat offenders and those arrested with high blood-alcohol levels.

But she said laws advocated by MADD don't allow judges to distinguish between those who have a few drinks and go just over the 0.08 blood-alcohol legal limit and those who go way over.

"We want sensible alcohol policies," she said. "We want 10 people to be able to come in and have one drink and not one person to come in and have 10."

She said current interlock laws could lead to more draconian measures.

"We foresee is a country in which you're no longer able to have a glass of wine, drink a beer at a ball game or enjoy a champagne toast at a wedding," she said. "There will be a de facto zero tolerance policy imposed on people by their cars."

She argued that MADD puts too much emphasis on links between alcohol and traffic deaths, giving too little regard to the roles excessive speed and driver cell-phone use in deadly accidents.
Proponents of interlock laws say studies back their approach. They cite a 2008 study by the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation that found interlock devices in New Mexico helped decrease repeat offenses by approximately two-thirds.

MADD also points to figures showing one-third of all drunk drivers have a prior DUI conviction.
The American Beverage Institute questions studies cited by advocates, saying they other factors, like education programs, also account for the declines.

Malham concedes Illinois' new law isn't perfect. For one, it only applies to drivers during relatively short license-suspension periods.

"But perfection can't be the enemy of the good, to quote (18th century philosopher) Voltaire," he said. "I'd like to see more teeth in the law in the future. But this is a start."
___

On the Net:
Mothers Against Drunk Driving: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_re_us/storytext/dui_legislation_ignition_locks/30426399/SIG=10mpl5kde/*http://www.madd.org/
Illinois Secretary of State: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_re_us/storytext/dui_legislation_ignition_locks/30426399/SIG=114pifdu1/*http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/
American Beverage Institute: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/ap/ap_on_re_us/storytext/dui_legislation_ignition_locks/30426399/SIG=1158lguqn/*http://www.abionline.org/index.cfm/