It's been a while since I posted here. Mainly because I'm trying to put this part of my life behind me. It sounds so cold when I actually say it. I'm not trying to forget Stephen. I'm trying to get my life back, my spirit back. So much of me has been exhausted and lost during the last (almost) 2 years. I have changed. I am short-tempered, I am snapping at my family. I'm sad and down. It's not all the time, but it's enough that I need to fix it.
The biggest change thus far is my fear of dying in a traffic accident. Or the fear of killing someone in one. I am so paranoid while driving, especially at night. I am so afraid I'm not going to see someone or someone is going to pull out in front of me, or run a red light while I'm going through an intersection. I'm terrified that while driving through a parking lot, a child will run out from between cars. I am so scared.
I know that I'm not supposed to worry. Worrying is a sin. Worrying shows that we don't trust God to handle any situation. At what point does being extremely aware fade into worry and fear?
I just find myself checking and triple checking before backing out. I look like I'm watching a ping-pong match when pulling out of a spot. I guess I have this fear of dying at an early age because look at how quickly my brother's life was snuffed out. I am so afraid of being killed or of becoming the one who's taken a life on the road. It's a scary place to be and I'm working on it.
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3 comments:
Nicole,
Homer Hickman addresses fear in his book, We Are Not Afraid: Strength and Courage from the Town That Inspired the #1 Bestseller and Award-Winning Movie "October Sky" (Paperback)
by Homer Hickam (Author)
He has very practical advice about asking God for help when you are most worried or afraid.
Hope this helps.
Joni
Nicole, you may want to talk to a doctor about this. They have medication to actually help with that (and it doesn't make you drowsy) I used to have severe panic attacks and they have actually gotten them under control and a anti depressant to help too. It will help with the snapping at the family too. ( I HAVE BEEN THERE )
Hi Nicole,
I just discovered your blog this evening when I googled the loss of a sibling. It's been a little over a year since my older brother, Karl Jabas, went to heaven. It's nice to see a blog for a sibling. I think so many people DON'T have great relationships with their siblings, that it's hard for them to understand how incredibly hard it is to have them leave.
I have thought so many of the same things you said in your blog. Although Karl died in an accident, he was doing what he loved and so I think maybe the pain is lessened a little knowing that. That there isn't anyone at fault. It just happened.
So I was thinking a lot about how afraid I was that something would happen to me. And that I couldn't bear the thought of my parents going through this pain again. I told my friend Peggy that, and her response was this...
"Toni, you worry about that? You can't worry about that. That's God's job. If you want to pretend to be God then you need to worry about the bugs and the elephants and the tigers and all the billion people in the world as well. Do you want to worry about all that?"
Of course I said "no." :) Her point was simply that it's out of my control. And that's all there is to it. No amount of worry will change what happens to me. About a week later, my friend was also in heaven. And I think that last bit of wisdom she had for me was one of the best parting gifts.
Anyway, some days there isn't anything that helps the hurt. And I just miss him and miss him and miss him :) So don't feel bad that you aren't ok all the time. It means that you still love him and always will, and that you miss him.
I'm praying that you are able to remember him and love him without that sharp, jabbing pain that hurts so much. Don't forget that eventually, you will get to see him again :)
And good job at using your experience to help others. I bet your brother is VERY proud of you!
Hugs, Toni Jabas Ross
P.S. And sorry if this is stuff you've already heard - and are sick of hearing!!!
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