It's been a sad week

Thursday morning, our town lost another young person. This time, it was 17-year-old Tyler Stamper. He was an athlete, very popular, a nice person who would go out of his way for anyone who needed him. I didn't know him personally, but my cousin and my sister-in-law were friends of his, and I know his grandmother. He lost control of his truck and crashed into the woods. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Word is he died instantly, but no one knows exactly what time the crash happened. A passerby saw his vehicle in the woods and called the authorities around 3:45am. This shook our town. His funeral was massive. People were walking in droves to the church because there wasn't enough parking. I was just at his school last month and I spoke to his class (the junior class). I don't know if he was there, but I feel so sad that this couldn't have been prevented.

I took my sister-in-law to the funeral and dropped her off. Just knowing what that family is feeling hurts my heart so much. I can't explain the feeling of losing someone suddenly. Talking to that person just hours before their death and then the next thing you know, you're picking out a casket. It's gut-wrenching. It hurts so bad, and my soul is aching for that family. I wish I could make it so that no family ever has to feel that feeling ever in their lifetime. I wish people didn't die without preparing for it and making peace first. I know it's hard to lose a loved one. Period. But I don't think it's as hard to deal with when you have months or weeks to prepare yourself and know that it's going to happen. You can say your goodbyes, find out everything you ever wanted to know, say everything you ever wanted to say. I think it's so much harder when you're sound asleep in your bed and you get the call in the middle of the night. You don't even have a chance to wake up yet before you hear the news. It took me 5 months to realize it really happened. 5 MONTHS!!! My brain wasn't ready for the shock it got.

I have no sense of time now. Some times, time just drags on. Other times, it goes so fast I don't even know where it went. Hours go by like minutes and other times, they go on like days. I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since Stephen died. Where did the time go? How did I make it this long without hearing his voice? I've messed up a couple times and tried to call him. I had to catch myself when my mom was in the hospital because I almost asked her if Stephen had called to check on her yet. Boy, would that have been bad.

I thought I was doing fine. I thought I had made a lot of progress, but the way I've been feeling yesterday and today, I CAN'T STAND IT. I don't believe it. I am so sad. I want him back. I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to talk to him. I want to NOT cry. I miss him so much. I know I'll be better after I have a cry. Usually it lasts about a minute and then I can go about my day.

To the Stamper family: It does get easier. Eventually. Daily. I know right now, it feels like it's not happening, or that you can't make it. But you can. You will. You think, "What would Tyler expect of me? How would he want me to live my life?" And you live it that way. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. You do it your own way. Whatever way works. If people don't call, don't take it as them not caring. Some people just don't know what to say. People are going to talk. People are going to speculate. Calmly and matter-of-factly, set them straight. Get the facts out there so people aren't tarnishing Tyler's legacy. Some people deal with it by talking about it ALL THE TIME (the way I do) and some people shy away from it all together. To each his own. I wish the Stamper family peace, sleep, busy minds so as not to think about his death all the time, love, happiness in the memories, cries, laughter, and fellowship. Please keep Tyler's (real) friends close and keep them part of your family. Keep up with them. Go to their weddings. Keep up with where life takes them. Those are things that Tyler would have done. Some of my brother's friends have become part of our family. We love them and are forever bonded by his loss.

If you've gotten this far, know that I've had to take a couple breaks, but it sure felt good to release some of what I've been feeling. I know I've got mascara running down my face. I hope the Stamper family doesn't mind me mentioning them.

Wishing I could hug him again...

How to deal...

I know this blog is called "How to deal with the sudden death of a sibling," but I haven't done much explaining how to deal with it.

What keeps me going is knowing that I have 3 kids I will miss out on if I just wallow in grief. I know my kids drive me crazy, but without them my life would be boring.

I have Trey, who's a black belt in Taekwondo. He'll be 9 in just 2 months. Two months! It's so hard to believe that he's going to be 9 years old. He's an A-B Honor Roll student and is really smart. He's so smart that most of the time, I forget that he's only 8 and I end up expecting too much from him.

Here he is in his Uncle Steve's Falcons jersey. It will be Trey's when he's big enough to wear it.



Here's Trey doing what he does best:



Then there's Makinsey. She's a full-time job as it is...I lead her Girl Scout Brownie Troop. I just took her to get her hair chopped off today and she looks like a little teenager!



And here's Kinsey and I working on a Girl Scout activity:



And then I have Jacob. My Jakey. He's a 3-year-old mess!!! Today, he insisted on eating with chopsticks! Look how he's holding them! He's so funny.



And he insists on dressing himself...remind you of anyone?



So, that's part of how I deal.

On a side note, our friend Jamie (who was with Stephen the night he died) visited Stephen's road-side cross and sent me a picture of how beautiful the flowers have gotten.

Racecar in Stephen's honor

My husband Bill started a racing team with his dad Billy and his Uncle Bobby. They gave it the number 83, in honor of the year Stephen was born, and put Stephen's initials (SMD) really big on the trunk. I know Stephen would love it if he was here. They're hoping the first race will be tomorrow night, if they can get it ready by then. I know Stephen will be there with them.

The racecar


(CLICK TO ENLARGE IMAGE)

The name of the team (Sheldon is my husband's family, who loved Stephen dearly)



The year Stephen was born



The trunk with Stephen's initials (My father-in-law on the left and my husband Bill on the right)

7 months today...

Stephen, I can't believe it's been 7 months today. Where has the time gone? I've heard people say that to get through the pain, you're supposed to take it just 1 day at a time. That's what we've done. One day turns into one week, then into one month, and before we know it, it will have been one year. It's getting close. Your birthday is going to be especially hard. That's coming up pretty soon too. I really miss you so much. I know I'll see you again one day, but I wish I could just get a glimpse now. I love you. I miss you. Every day.

******************

Dad sent me a picture that reminded him of Stephen and he wanted me to post it on Stephen's website. Here's what he said:

"Nicole,

Whenever I tell somebody who did not know Stephen about him, I tell them he was a James Dean kind of guy. I found a good picture of James Dean. I thought you might want to put it on Stephen's myspace page."

Here's the picture:

Another message from Stephen

So dragonflies have kindof been my totem for Stephen. I saw them like crazy right after he died, and I rarely ever saw them in my life before he died. I always felt like every time I saw one after he died, it was like him telling me "I'm here with you."

I haven't seen one in a long time, but yesterday, I was at the pharmacy waiting for Jake's prescriptions. I usually just go through the drive-thru, but this time I had to buy some things over-the-counter as well, so I went in. I had a while to wait, so I started browsing the store and came across a rack of greeting cards. The first one that caught my eye was a birthday card. It was orange and had dragonflies on the front. The message it had on it wasn't a very "birthday" type message. It said, "Just for today, think of things that make you happy." I thought of Stephen and how sad we've been since he died. It's almost like he was telling us to "Take a break. Don't be so sad. Just for today, think of things that make you happy. For me."

Well, I did that. I came home, cut it down to a 5x7 and put it in a pretty frame.

And it made me happy.