It's been a sad week

Thursday morning, our town lost another young person. This time, it was 17-year-old Tyler Stamper. He was an athlete, very popular, a nice person who would go out of his way for anyone who needed him. I didn't know him personally, but my cousin and my sister-in-law were friends of his, and I know his grandmother. He lost control of his truck and crashed into the woods. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Word is he died instantly, but no one knows exactly what time the crash happened. A passerby saw his vehicle in the woods and called the authorities around 3:45am. This shook our town. His funeral was massive. People were walking in droves to the church because there wasn't enough parking. I was just at his school last month and I spoke to his class (the junior class). I don't know if he was there, but I feel so sad that this couldn't have been prevented.

I took my sister-in-law to the funeral and dropped her off. Just knowing what that family is feeling hurts my heart so much. I can't explain the feeling of losing someone suddenly. Talking to that person just hours before their death and then the next thing you know, you're picking out a casket. It's gut-wrenching. It hurts so bad, and my soul is aching for that family. I wish I could make it so that no family ever has to feel that feeling ever in their lifetime. I wish people didn't die without preparing for it and making peace first. I know it's hard to lose a loved one. Period. But I don't think it's as hard to deal with when you have months or weeks to prepare yourself and know that it's going to happen. You can say your goodbyes, find out everything you ever wanted to know, say everything you ever wanted to say. I think it's so much harder when you're sound asleep in your bed and you get the call in the middle of the night. You don't even have a chance to wake up yet before you hear the news. It took me 5 months to realize it really happened. 5 MONTHS!!! My brain wasn't ready for the shock it got.

I have no sense of time now. Some times, time just drags on. Other times, it goes so fast I don't even know where it went. Hours go by like minutes and other times, they go on like days. I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since Stephen died. Where did the time go? How did I make it this long without hearing his voice? I've messed up a couple times and tried to call him. I had to catch myself when my mom was in the hospital because I almost asked her if Stephen had called to check on her yet. Boy, would that have been bad.

I thought I was doing fine. I thought I had made a lot of progress, but the way I've been feeling yesterday and today, I CAN'T STAND IT. I don't believe it. I am so sad. I want him back. I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to talk to him. I want to NOT cry. I miss him so much. I know I'll be better after I have a cry. Usually it lasts about a minute and then I can go about my day.

To the Stamper family: It does get easier. Eventually. Daily. I know right now, it feels like it's not happening, or that you can't make it. But you can. You will. You think, "What would Tyler expect of me? How would he want me to live my life?" And you live it that way. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. You do it your own way. Whatever way works. If people don't call, don't take it as them not caring. Some people just don't know what to say. People are going to talk. People are going to speculate. Calmly and matter-of-factly, set them straight. Get the facts out there so people aren't tarnishing Tyler's legacy. Some people deal with it by talking about it ALL THE TIME (the way I do) and some people shy away from it all together. To each his own. I wish the Stamper family peace, sleep, busy minds so as not to think about his death all the time, love, happiness in the memories, cries, laughter, and fellowship. Please keep Tyler's (real) friends close and keep them part of your family. Keep up with them. Go to their weddings. Keep up with where life takes them. Those are things that Tyler would have done. Some of my brother's friends have become part of our family. We love them and are forever bonded by his loss.

If you've gotten this far, know that I've had to take a couple breaks, but it sure felt good to release some of what I've been feeling. I know I've got mascara running down my face. I hope the Stamper family doesn't mind me mentioning them.

Wishing I could hug him again...