Almost to the 1-year mark

It's so hard to believe that in just 18 days, my brother will have been dead an entire year. So much has happened in the last year, yet it doesn't feel like we've gone a year without him. I remember so clearly everything that happened when he died and the days following. I can still hear the sound of my scream when I got the news. I can still see the smile on his face and his open eyes when we saw him in the morgue. I can still hear my mom when she said, "Stephen's dead." Every detail is so vivid and ingrained in my brain, that I don't think it will ever go away.

A friend of mine lost her sister over the weekend suddenly and I lost it. I didn't even know the person who died. I was crying for my friend. When you lose a sibling that suddenly, with no warning or preparation, it hurts so bad. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Stephen. My heart hurts. Even sitting here thinking about my friend and knowing the pain she's going through right now, makes me cry to know that someone else has to feel what I'm feeling. I don't wish this heartache on anyone.

For the last year, my mind has been consumed by Stephen. I didn't even think about him this much when he was alive. Everything I see reminds me of him. Songs I hear, clothes in the store that he would have worn, movies he would have liked, phrases my kids say that he would have laughed at and used over and over. All of it reminds me of Stephen and makes me miss him so much.

I have good days often. Great days, even. But days like Monday, when I heard about my friend's loss, I couldn't take it. I had to pull over into a parking lot to cry. With my kids in the car. Watching me. Listening to me sob. I hate that they have to see me like that, but I couldn't help it. I usually can walk into another room and lose it there, but I had just picked them up from school. I calmed down, took them home, then sat in the driveway and finished my sobbing. I don't cry much anymore, but the days that I do, I have to just get it out, and then I can go about my day.

Some money from Stephen's settlement from the accident bought my kids one-year passes to Sea World. We all went on Sunday and the whole experience was amazing. The looks on my kids faces and how excited they were, I knew we made a wise choice to use some of the money on that. We told them it was from Uncle Steve.

While walking through Sea World, my mom said, "I wish Stephen could have come here with us." That was the first time she had mentioned him that day. Right after she said that, we almost bumped into a man standing in the middle of the pathway. He was wearing a Michael Vick #7 shirt, Stephen's favorite football player. The next corner we turned, there was the Jimmie Johnson Lowes/Sea World race car, Stephen's favorite Nascar driver. The next turn we made, I turned around to make sure I had all the kids, and walking behind us was a man in a Fox Racing t-shirt, which Stephen loved. Three SIGNS, all within 3 minutes. Three messages that Stephen WAS with us that day.

Stephen, I love you. I miss you. I see so much of you in my boys, and I'm glad to see it. I hope you're happy where you are. I hope you can see us, hear us, and know for certain our love for you, if you ever doubted it before. I hope you can see how Dad feels for you too. And Linda. This pain won't ever go away. The disbelief it even happened will probably always still be there too. We've had a Christmas without you, a new year without you and your 25th birthday has passed. In 18 days, you'll have been gone a year. It's hard to believe, but we know it's true. We love you so and miss you every day, all the time. Your story is powerful and has the chance to save lives, I never miss a chance to share it. I love you. ~~Nicole

Pics of the kids from Sea World:

Jake posing in our family picture (He's so much like his uncle)



Jake in awe at the fish in the tank overhead. His expression was so worth the trip.



Jake smiling at my mom



Had to peel Jake away from this tank!



The boys with the Jimmie Johnson car



Our family in the Shark Tank



Our family with Mom



Kinsey and Jake standing on an aquarium



Kinsey and Jake watching the free divers



Trey playing in the water, getting cooled off