7 months today...

Stephen, I can't believe it's been 7 months today. Where has the time gone? I've heard people say that to get through the pain, you're supposed to take it just 1 day at a time. That's what we've done. One day turns into one week, then into one month, and before we know it, it will have been one year. It's getting close. Your birthday is going to be especially hard. That's coming up pretty soon too. I really miss you so much. I know I'll see you again one day, but I wish I could just get a glimpse now. I love you. I miss you. Every day.

******************

Dad sent me a picture that reminded him of Stephen and he wanted me to post it on Stephen's website. Here's what he said:

"Nicole,

Whenever I tell somebody who did not know Stephen about him, I tell them he was a James Dean kind of guy. I found a good picture of James Dean. I thought you might want to put it on Stephen's myspace page."

Here's the picture:

Another message from Stephen

So dragonflies have kindof been my totem for Stephen. I saw them like crazy right after he died, and I rarely ever saw them in my life before he died. I always felt like every time I saw one after he died, it was like him telling me "I'm here with you."

I haven't seen one in a long time, but yesterday, I was at the pharmacy waiting for Jake's prescriptions. I usually just go through the drive-thru, but this time I had to buy some things over-the-counter as well, so I went in. I had a while to wait, so I started browsing the store and came across a rack of greeting cards. The first one that caught my eye was a birthday card. It was orange and had dragonflies on the front. The message it had on it wasn't a very "birthday" type message. It said, "Just for today, think of things that make you happy." I thought of Stephen and how sad we've been since he died. It's almost like he was telling us to "Take a break. Don't be so sad. Just for today, think of things that make you happy. For me."

Well, I did that. I came home, cut it down to a 5x7 and put it in a pretty frame.

And it made me happy.

Guess who I saw tonight???

Tonight, we had to run to the auto parts store and I was waiting in the car when I caught a glimpse of someone who looked familiar as they walked by the window inside. He stood in line, waiting to pay, and the more I looked at him, the more I realized how familiar he looked. He was basically Stephen's twin. Same nose, same ears, same hair, same manner of dress, same calf muscles. I couldn't believe my eyes. I wanted to run in and ask if I could give him a hug. But, he'd think I was psycho. The resemblance was just uncanny. I got my sister-in-law to take a couple pictures with my cell phone. What do think? Do you see the resemblance?





Here are some pics of Stephen to compare:

My first presentation!

I gave my first presentation today to the local high school juniors and seniors. It was part of the pre-prom talk that they get every year. I had Trooper Ortiz there from the Florida Highway Patrol. Bill and my mom were there for support. I had to do the presentation twice.

The trooper introduced the video I made of Stephen. I sat in the front row while the students watched it. There were definitely some laughs in the beginning, but when it got to the heartbeat part and pics of his funeral and his crash, I had their full attention.

Right after the video, I got up to speak. Right off the bat, I told them that they'd have to bear with me. This my first time ever speaking to a group about this and I was a little nervous. I didn't prepare a speech either. I just spoke from my heart and chatted with them. I wanted to show them that I'm a young person, like them, and not some hoity-toity person trying to lecture them.

Then I did my Powerpoint presentation about the effects of alcohol on the body and life: what penalites their parents face for giving them alcohol, and what penalites they face for drinking and then drinking and driving. I really felt I connected with them. For the seniors, we ran out of time, so I just quickly talked through the most important info from the Powerpoint, without showing it on the screen. I had the first 6 rows stand up, which was roughly 114 students. I told them that 114 is the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drivers in crashes in 2006. Then I had all but the first two rows sit down, which was 31 kids left standing. I told them that 31 was the number of teens ages 16-18 who were the drinking drivers in all fatality crashes in 2006. I feel it was very effective.

I got some really positive feedback from some students who actually approached me when it was over. I also had some teachers come to me and thank me, saying, "Thank you, they really, really needed to hear that. I just wish more people would come speak about it." I guess talking about it isn't for everyone, but this is the best way I could deal with it and come to terms with it.

Later on, Amber from Project CATCh and I went on 106.5 FM to advertise the Town Hall Meeting in Fort White on March 27th. I think it went well. My journey is just beginning, but I think it'll be a rewarding one.

Something to wear when I speak

I made some buttons for people in my family to wear and for me to wear when we attend a presentation or any type of legal function. I think they turned out really nice.



I pinned one on Makinsey to see how it looks on and how big it will be.

Today was really hard

I haven't had many days like today...easily shaken, easy to start crying. Today was just "one of those days." I finally brought myself to go to the post office and mail some of Stephen's ashes to our dad. The other day, I told you about what it took to actually split them up into 2 boxes. Today I actually had to go to the post office with them, and leave without them. That was particularly hard. Almost as hard as leaving the funeral home and leaving him there. Walking out of that building was extremely hard.

When I got the box out of the car and walked into the Post Office, I caught myself hugging the box, sortof. I got in line. I got to the counter and I didn't have the box prepared for mailing at all. I didn't know the procedures for mailing cremated remains. You have to tape every seam with brown tape and then the postmaster stamps all over the tape so we can tell if there's any tampering. The lady at the counter just recently lost her brother and she felt really bad for me for what I was having to do. She apologized for having to keep turning the box on it's side. I told her it was okay...

And then...

I lost it. I broke down. I don't know why at that moment. I guess the fact that I'd be leaving the ashes behind when I left the post office finally hit me. I had to let a part of him go all over again. She got me a Kleenex. I could tell she felt really bad for me. She asked if there was anything else she could help me with. I hesitated for a second, not wanting to leave, and then said "No," and walked away, crying.

A man in a wheelchair, being pushed by his elderly father, saw me at the door and said, "Are you crying?" He was very concerned to see a lady crying. He was so polite. I told him what happened and what I had just done. He was very sensitive to that. I told him that I was doing public speaking now to try and save some lives. He said he'd love to come.

I have received a lot of encouragement from people in the community. I have the official endorsement of the Florida Highway Patrol. Some people can be so amazing, just when you least expect it.

Losing a loved one is a full-time job

I just felt the need to post this because you hear all the time about people dying, but people don't realize what all losing a loved one entails. Dealing with it actually becomes a full-time job. Here's a very skeletal timeline of what we dealt with...

9/7/07

1:30am: We found out Stephen died by phone.

3:00am: An organ harvester called to do an interview with my mom about Stephen's medical, sexual, drug usage, and physical history.

5:00am: We bought plane tickets, showered, and packed.

10:00am: We got on a plane

3:00pm: We got a rental car and drove to the hospital

5:00pm: We talked with the medical examiner and viewed Stephen's body

9:00pm: We arrived at Stephen's friends' home and had a bite to eat and went through his room and made an appointment for the next day with the funeral home. We chose the outfit he would wear for his viewing.

9/8/07

11:00am: We met with the funeral home and made the arrangements. I wrote his obituary. We decided to have a viewing and a Celebration of Stephen's life and then have him cremated. We hope that's what he wanted, although we're fairly certain it is.

9/9/07

We met my dad in town and rode over to the funeral home together. This was the first time my dad, step-mother, youngest brother and step-sister had seen him dead. I went in first to make sure he looked the way we wanted. I didn't want him to look "made up," with lots of makeup.

We went to eat then came back for the service.

9/10/07

We came back home to Florida

A week later:

We hired a probate attorney in our town and got my mom named Stephen's legal representative. Since Stephen didn't have a will, we had to name someone his P.R. to make any decisions on his behalf.

She has to:

* file his taxes
* get his motorcycle paid off
* close any open accounts he may have had
etc

We also have to:

* follow up with investigators
* file a law-suit if they defendant doesn't return the paperwork on time
* follow up with the medical examiner's office to get toxicology results
* try to get his personal effects out of a motorcycle that is destroyed and in an impound lot
* follow up with the state's attorney about any court dates

We didn't even get the tox results for 3 months and that's because I tracked them down myself instead of waiting for someone to call me. I'd probably still be waiting to hear from someone now if I hadn't taken the initiative!

It is a lot of work and dealing with the legal system as well can be overwhelming and very intimidating.

It also can consume your mind and take up your entire day. Thinking about the accident a hundred times a day. Wondering about the offender, who they are, how they're feeling. Trying to stay busy so you won't think about it.

It's also a full-body physical reaction. Sometimes you can't breathe deeply. Sometimes you just want to cry, just to cry and get it out, so you can on with your day. Sometimes your stomach hurts so bad from not breathing, you just want to ball up and wrap up tight. Sometimes you can't even swallow, because you're paralyzed with emotions bigger than you've ever felt before.

For anyone going through this, I feel your pain. I am so quick to cry and feel sorry for anyone when I hear they've lost a loved one. I know what they're feeling and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through this.

I just wanted to share some pictures

Here are some pictures of Stephen.

The following two pictures were taken by friends of his in Arizona.





With his friends:



Doing what he loved:



At the Grand Canyon. He loved it there:

The 2nd hardest thing I've ever done

Yesterday, I faced the daunting task of separating Stephen's ashes into 2 separate containers, so that I could keep some and then send some to Dad. That was so hard to do. I really had to do some deep breathing and psych myself out to do it. I just had to get it over with. The whole time I was scooping his ashes, I was apologizing to him, saying, "Stephen, I'm so sorry if you don't want to be split up. Please forgive me if I'm not doing the right thing."

It wouldn't have been so hard if there weren't fragments in the ashes, like bone or teeth or something. They're not like cigarette ashes or the ashes left after a bonfire. They're brittle and coarse, made up of crushed bone, almost.

The day I received his ashes in the mail from his best friend Casey, I held the box in my lap and just cried. I was thinking, the last time I held my brother, he was cold and laying on a gurney. I hugged him, wishing he'd be warm and be able to hug me back. I didn't know the next time I held him, he would be inside a box that would fit in my lap. It was a surreal experience.

Below is the bag of ashes. I used a DVD case as a reference so you can see the size of the bag and the amount of ashes.

A blog about Stephen

My new friend Kimmy posted a blog about Stephen and my family on her blog at Griffensgift.com:

Stephen

Last night I was happy to receive a phone call from a young woman in Florida. When I answered she told me she had just read everyone of my blogs and wanted me to know that she lost her brother. She said it angered her how Griffen had been treated. She was very supportive and encouraging. I was grateful for her call.

Her brother Stephen was on a motorcycle driving home when a 20 year old girl who was drunk pulled out in front of him and killed him. I knew her pain and hope that I was able to somehow let her know she is not alone.

Stephen just like Griffen had his whole life ahead of him. He had a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes and like Griffen I am sure had no idea that his life would end so prematurely.

It wasn't long before I received an email from her dad. He said:

In our minds, the underage drinker is the symptom; the root of the problem is the person providing the drink. Nothing will change if these people are not stopped. The driver in our case was just the person who "pulled the trigger". The person providing the alcohol "loaded the gun". Something has to be done there we need to look at where these young people are getting their alcohol
He is right. I met with some law officers today whom I believe agreed with me that the penalty is not enough for providing alcohol to minors resulting in a death. Who on earth would really be scared of a fine and maybe 30 days in jail? We need the law that other states have. It should be a Felony and up to 5 years in prison. I believe these people would think more seriously if they could face charges like that.

The person who gave the 20 year old alcohol who then killed Stephen is just as guilty as the 20 year old herself. I believe the 20 year old is facing felony DUI charges. The person who provided her with alcohol and indirectly caused the death of another human being is walking away.

I have been thinking a lot about this. In SC and even the rest of the nation there are those who get up in arms over abortion. Our lawmakers were recently pondering making a woman watch a video of her unborn child before she had an abortion hoping to save a life. I have seen signs on Woodruff Road of protesters calling women who make that choice "murderers".

I find it interesting that so many are caught up in getting kids here and yet we don't protect them when they get older. (I am getting off subject here but a lot of times we don't protect them when they are young either.)

I wonder why more in our state are not just as concerned with the deaths of our youth which is going on at an increasing and alarming rate due to underage drinking? Stephen, two youths from Greenwood, the kids from the Ocean Isle fire(except Lauren Mahon who had no alcohol in her system), Benjamin Sprague, Griffen, all would have stood a much better chance of being here if we showed we valued the lives of our youth with stricter penalties and education.

Families like Stephens would not be facing never seeing their loved ones again if SC took to task punishing those who provide alcohol to minors resulting in their deaths with more than just a slap on the wrist. After Griffen's death I spoke at length with House of Representatives member Adam Taylor. He and I went to high school together. He said and I agree that the current penalty is an insult to those who are left behind.

On March 31 there is a hearing for Andrew C. Argo I encourage all of you out there who think this is a travesty to come to Lexington and stand with our family showing Judge Rebecca Adams and everyone there that we truly do value our young people and that making choices which help cost a life is worth more than just a fine.

Someone you should know about

I made a new friend tonight. Too bad it's not under better circumstances. I spoke with a woman, after reading her entire blog, who lost her brother in May 2007. His name was Griffen Lollis. You can see his website here: http://www.griffensgift.com/about.php

Griffen was 20 years old. He drank so much one night, he passed out. His "friends" removed his clothing and drew obscenities all over him with a permanent marker. They plucked his eyebrows and drew new ones on. Griffen was left to die on the side of the road. He woke up and saw the "tattoos" and tried to wash them off. He was angered and shamed. His last minutes of life we spent in shame. Griffen was a shy boy who stuttered and spent most of his childhood being ridiculed by his peers.

I feel for his sister. She is currently trying to change South Carolina laws so that the people who gave Griffen the alcohol will face a harsher penalty. Currently, transferring alcohol to a minor carries a punishment of 30 days in jail and a fine. People who are cruel to animals get harsher penalties than that! Kimberly is speaking at public forums, including Senate, to try to bring attention to this fact. She admits her brother's fault and is not a hypocrite. She just feels Griffen was punished for his actions. Shouldn't the other people involved be punished as well?

Please take a few moments to visit Griffens website and "meet" this young man.

Thank you all for still being here. I have big news, but I don't want to jinx it. But as soon as I have a definite answer for you, I will post, I promise!

Stephen's still touching lives

There have been some major developments in my life right now. Very big things happening for me and my family!

On Friday, I received a call from Lt. Burroughs of the Florida Highway Patrol. He wants me to do a presentation about drunk driving at a Town Hall Meeting, alongside Sen. Oelrich, who lost a son in a drunk driving accident during Spring Break. Can you believe it? The Town Hall meetings are basically a forum with a panel of experts. I'm going to be presenting a video about Stephen and his accident and also (probably) will be doing a PowerPoint Presentation about underage drinking and the adverse effects of alcohol on the body.

Here is the link to a draft of the video I will be showing. It's different than the memorial video that was made by his friends. I've already made some changes to it since I uploaded it, but you'll be able to get the gist of it:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7013185215503834182

I am so excited!!! Ever since Stephen died, my family has been searching for a reason for why this had to happen. We want for Stephen's death to have not been in vain. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this to come along! If I can use Stephen's death to save just one life, it will have not been for nothing.

Another big thing to happen today...Lt. Burroughs is thinking of filming the entire presentation and producing DVDs to be available state-wide for high schools and other community efforts. Can you believe it? We've got an amazing ball rolling and it's growing into something BIG! I can't wait!

Anyway, the date and time and other info is below, for any of my local friends who want to attend:

Fort White Town Hall Meeting
Fort White High School Gymnasium
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Refreshments, 5:30pm
Program begins at 7:00pm
I hope you'll attend if you can. It's going to be a big jumping-off point for something much, much bigger!

Stephen on MyDeathSpace.com

I've gotten 3 messages from strangers lately sending condolences and when I asked one of them how they found out about Stephen, they said his myspace profile was posted on MyDeathSpace.com, a website where they list the myspace pages that memorialize people.

I am so glad Stephen's story is making the rounds. We have a lot of people in so many states and countries learning about what a great person Stephen was and what drunk driving does to families. My two wishes are that:

1. People will learn that drunk driving is sooooo avoidable and can have repercussions too numerous to count. DON'T DO IT!!!

and

2. For any families and loved ones going through the death of a young person in their life, whether it be due to drunk driving or any other sudden, tragic cause, I hope that my blogging and messages from Stephen's friends can be a source of comfort and education. Along this whole journey, my main questions have been, "why?", and "what's the next step?" Stephen's death wasn't just going through the tragic loss, but also learning a lot about the legal system. I've been through this with my parents every step of the way, and if I can just help one person know who to contact or how to follow up and not let their loved one die in vain, that would be a lot for me.

So...who posted Stephen's Myspace on MyDeathSpace.com? Just curious...it may not have been any of his friends, just someone who came across it. It was posted on December 29. Here's the link:

Stephen on MyDeathSpace.com

And to look at more Myspace profiles for people who have passed away, scroll up to the top of Stephen's page there and click on latest articles. It will give you a list. It's so sad how many families are grieving.

Thanks for still being there, all of you.

A message from Stephen?

So I was cleaning the living room and came across a magazine that came in the mail that I hadn't opened yet. It was wrapped in plastic and I noticed there was a poster with it. I opened the poster up and it was an ad for the Nikon D3 camera. It was taken at the Brainerd International Speedway.

I thought, "Stephen would love this poster."

Then I noticed all the bikes had numbers on them. I said to Bill, "Wouldn't that be wierd if one of them had the number 7 on it?" And I noticed, the teeny one in the background WAS number 7.

Then I noticed the helmets...all ARAI helmets, the same brand Stephen wore. Is that a coincidence or what?

I am getting little messages like this more and more and I definitely feel Stephen is still with me. I was really having a hard time, the closer it got to Christmas, so this poster just made my day.

I'll put the poster below, and I've inset the helmet and the bike number, zoomed in, into the picture.



And Stephen's helmet. His had stickers on it, too, but this is a stock photo of his helmet.

Greater news...

We had a meeting with our attorney this morning, and we finally got an answer we've been waiting for...the driver's toxicology results. The female who hit Stephen had blood and urine samples taken and tested.

I was strongly encouraged NOT to give you the EXACT number of her Blood Alcohol Content, but I will tell you that it was over the legal limit and there is absoutely no way she will be able to "wriggle" out of this situation. It was high enough that she will be prosecuted to the fullest extent. I will also tell you that once I am able to tell you, you absolutely WILL NOT believe it when you hear it...it's that unbelieveable!

We're one step closer to justice...!

The picture says a lot...

This picture was taken on July 4th, 2007. I haven't seen it before today. I was looking at my camera and Stephen was watching the kids play. Those shorts are the ones we chose for the viewing, and now that I've seen the picture and found that he liked wearing them, I think we made the right choice.

Beautiful way to explain death

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT...


A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door. On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough."

May today there be peace within you.
May you trust God that you are exactly
Where you are meant to be.
I believe that friends are quiet angels
Who lift us to our feet when our wings
Have trouble remembering how to fly.

3 months today...

It has been 3 months today, Stephen. I can't believe we made it this long without you. The day I saw you in the morgue, I thought I wouldn't be able to make it one day, let alone 3 months.

I miss you so bad. But your death was not in vain. You have touched people all over the world through your death, and so many people have gotten to see first-hand what drunk driving does to families. We are so proud of you that you had no drugs in your system and that you weren't drunk. That makes us so proud.

We're going to court in less than 2 weeks and we can't wait to finally have some more answers.

We love you more than words can say and you are deeply, terribly missed. I hope you're smiling down on us and you are proud of what we're doing for you. I hope we've done everything you would have wanted us to do for you. I love you, little brother.

The preliminary hearing has been scheduled

We got the call today! The preliminary hearing has been scheduled! This is the hearing where the evidence will be presented and Chrissie will enter her plea. Let's hope she pleads guilty and makes this be over as soon as possible.

We're being told it could be a year before the actual trial begins. After the prelim. hearing, it goes before the Grand Jury, and that's a close courtroom. So none of us will be allowed in. Then we have the trial. Who knows how long that will be?

The preliminary hearing will be in 2 weeks; on Wednesday, December 19 at 9:00am at the Greenville County Court House. If you can make it over there, it would be nice to have people there for Stephen since none of his family can make it. We won't be able to be there, but our attorney is filing a motion for us to listen in by phone, sort of like a teleconference.

If you think you'll go over to the hearing, let me know...

Thanks!

Finally some great news!!!

So, on Friday, it will have been 3 months since Stephen died and we still don't have any answers. We still don't know all the details of the accident. We still don't know the defendant's blood alcohol level. We're still waiting.

But I got great news today. Stephen's toxicology results came in. And it's good...really good. Stephen had no drugs in his system and his BAC was .05, which means he wasn't intoxicated. If given the chance to react and make a split-second decision to avoid the accident, he wouldn't have been too impaired to do so.

Our family is so happy and relieved to know that Stephen was IN NO WAY at fault for the accident. He IN NO WAY contributed to the accident. Just knowing that has taken such a huge weight off our shoulders.

Thanks so much for caring about Stephen and keeping in touch with me. We're getting by one-day-at-a-time. It's a very hard thing to go through and it's still really hard to believe it's real. I mean...it seems like he was just here with us.

We talk about him in our household EVERY DAY. There's no way my kids will be able to forget Uncle Steve. I've been worried that my youngest son, who was 2 when Stephen died, would forget him. But we keep Stephen alive in our house and make sure he's never forgotten.